Posted by akc on August 17, 2001, at 21:41:48
In reply to Re: Pain of Recovery akc, posted by mila on August 17, 2001, at 19:28:11
mila,
>Now I feel stupid, if there is such a feeling:P shame... i guess would be a better word.Two of my least favorite words -- stupid and shame -- and there was nothing about your post that should make you feel either of them.
>
> you are absolutely right when you say that recovery is painful and i can understand why. it is hard to discern anything positive when you are tired to the degree you are. so if this is how recovery feels, then it is very painful and there is no need to separate pain from recovery intellectually as i attempted to. whatever other people might say about how much better you are, or how much better you cope, if the pain is there, it hurts and defies any words to the contrary.
>thank you.
> one of the things i forgot to mention to you that paying attention to my dreams drastically reduced the level of my depression and opened me to my feelings. generally, i am not aware much of my feelings, except when it hurts a lot or when i am exilarated. dreams amplify my feelings and split them into components like a Newton's prism. dream makes it easier to discern both the feelings and the attitudes that caused them since they are represented by the different dream characters. usually after a session of dream analysis I come fully to my senses. I still use it as a tool when I notice that i have gone through several days of 'absence of feelings' and need to fine tune mysef to myself again.
>I so rarely remember my dreams - like my memories, at best a snapshot. I am suppose to try to write down the feelings I have when I do remember a dream -- I actually had a couple of dreams lately, and when my therapist asked about the feelings, I had a hard time with the question. Didn't remember them at all with one dream.
I wonder sometimes what it is about my past, and my dreams, that I don't want to remember. I am certain that I know the overall picture -- some pretty bad physical abuse. But specifics are hard to remember. I can wake up and know that I had a disturbing dream, but have no clue what it was. Any thoughts on why? Do you think my troubles at remembering my past and remembering my dreams are connected?
> yeah, my exams are over now, and i have three weeks to "recover" before the september classes begin. I didn't make any plans for vacations, except that I have to apply now to medschool, and do as much volunteer work as possible. It sounds stupid, to spend vacations working, but even more stupid is the fact that i haven't planned anything personally significant for myself yet besides spending countless hours in bed and in conversations with everyone I've been missing for months. At least physically I am alright now, the cancer scare is over, the tuberculosis infection is being taken care of, and my stomach ulcers have healed, so that i can walk with my spine upright and even exercise.
>Talk about overload -- and the reason you do this is? I am glad that you are better physically. And though you sound like you will be busy during your break, lots of sleep sounds good and conversation is always good.
> i was glad to hear from your other posts that you have a strong and unfaillible support from your doctor even when she is away, and I am scared with you about your upcoming knee surgery. will they repare the tendons, bones, or do the knee replacement? will you be able to wear nice shoes afterwards?
>The surgery is pretty minor -- I have some torn cartilage that is being removed and he will clean up any other rough spots. It will be by scope, so the recovery is pretty quick. I should only miss three days of work. My bigger fear is that the surgery will trigger another depressive episode.
> AKC, are you sure, like really really sure, that your field demands perfectionism? I have never looked at successful lawyers this way. More in terms of competence, mastery, smartness. I would feel that a perfectionistic lawyer is way too constipated to think creatively. sure, details should be taken care of, like in the rocket building, or the disaster is imminent, but that is more about quality control at the implementation stage, than about planning the case and having sparks of a genius when you deliver.
>In some ways you are right. But in other ways, mistakes are bad. For instance, I misread a tax regulation a few weeks ago. This caused us to do a test incorrectly. We advised the client, who then filled out a form for the IRS. We then caught our mistake. Now it turned out that in this instance, the result was the same, but it could have been different, and the client could have submitted an incorrect result to the IRS. If so, the client would have then had to refile with the IRS at an added expense. So in this instance, the mistake could have been costly.
As an attorney, I don't have to know everything, all the time -- I have to have the ability to learn. That is one of my personal strengths. But it can be scary when you are dealing with stuff that is very complicated, where a mistake can cost your client a lot of money. My field is very technical and very hard -- lots of regulations and such. I am new in the field, so up till now, my work has been highly supervised, but I am reaching a point where I'm being nudged from the nest. So I'm feeling the pressure to be more "perfect," if you will. Does this make sense?
> wishing you a lengthy and enjoyable timeout from the ups and downs. I know what you mean. I was almost for a year on sabbatical from my feelings myself. but I used heavily sedating medications, and didn't mind it. many people complain, you know.
I wish I could use heavily sedating medications, but I can't afford anything more sedating than what I am on with work. :(
> P.S. I saw Afterlife a couple of days ago. almost forgot to mention it here. i love japanese art since my teens. when you said choose a memory, you haven't mentioned that you would be able to relive it again. that changes things a bit for me. then of course, the memory would be about sex! lol> also, yesterday i saw Revoir Julie, about 2 women meeting after 15 years, and opening up to the love they had for each other since their teens. this felt very good. i had some deep release of tears after watching it.
I have not heard of this movie -- will rent it right away.
poster:akc
thread:9731
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010817/msgs/9796.html