Posted by susan C on August 2, 2001, at 14:55:39
In reply to Re: The Virtue of Selfishness..., posted by AKC on August 2, 2001, at 13:49:19
"..years of trying to do it all.." Is perfectionism a trait of BP? a long time ago before I got help and discovered I was depressed all the time and got MORE depressed two weeks before my period, PMS, I read studies that showed severe PMS patients shared a perfectionist trait....just wondering, as your post hit a nerve. That was before BPii became a common dx. Now, I look back and see when I go manic, get irritable and irrational, it is around things not being JUST how I think they SHOULD be. After this mood changes, I couldn't care less. Following this train of thought, what are the cultural expectations girls grow up with and how are they different in different countries? I read somewhere on one of my voyages on the web, that a BP study comparied Italian and French populations. Bipolar was something like 0.0% in France, 2% in Italy. (these statistics may not be large enough to be relevant?) The comment was, look at the funeral of the french premier, his wife, mistress and children all attended. While in the usa everyone was going nuts (so to speak) over clinton's affair. Does that mean if I grew up as a female in France I wouldn't have bp? Time to go, I am getting dizzy. I hope I made sense.
> I was out to lunch with a summer associate yesterday who is trying to figure out how you can be a successful attorney at a big law firm, spend lots of time with your family, be committed to your community, have your value system intact, etc. In this capitilistic society Andy123 points out, if your main motivation is money -- I don't think you can do it all without the bad "selfishness."
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> However, to me there are two types of selfishness. There is the capitilistic greed type. Wanting more, more, more. To get it all. The narcistic type. The get out of my way, I'm running over whoever is there to get what I want. I look at young attorneys where I work who sacrifice their health, their families for what? Money, title, prestige. If they give to the community, they only do so to get something in return. Not as the parable would have them do so (in secret).
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> But there is a different type of selfishness. It is the type that puts yourself first so that in fact you actually can give. There is a woman in my group therapy who has no ability to say no -- to her husband, her kids, her neighbor -- her health suffers, both physically and mentally. What results, she gets sick and cannot help anyone. It is in this situation that a different, healthy type of selfishness should be practiced.
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> I strongly believe that we must look at each situation from our own perspective first. A friend asks us to watch her kids. Instead of thinking, oh, a favor, sure, I'll do it, I instead need to stop and think about myself first. That seems selfish, but I need to make sure that I am in a spot that it is okay for me. Back to my earlier post -- am I too hungry, angry, lonely or tired? If I am, then as much as my friend may need a break from her kids, it may be that I need to take care of myself more.
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> Now from time to time, I may choose to make a sacrifice. But if I have done so consciously, not from a habit of always being a doormat, then I think it is okay. What good am I to the world if I don't take care of myself?
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> I have no proof that part of my breakdowns were the result of the constant stress I placed on myself for years from trying to do it all. It wasn't so much a quest for the capitilistic dream of having it all. But when I was in school or on the job, I thought I must do it all -- be the best student, the best worker -- hell, that is still a problem, as can be seen by the stress of last week when I couldn't keep up the expected pace! But I'm trying to live by this principle -- putting myself first - taking a day off work, saying no to friends, admitting weaknesses, asking for help. Being selfish. I believe in doing so, I will be able to give much more than I ever was before.
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> Your resident hounddog.
poster:susan C
thread:8577
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010731/msgs/8591.html