Posted by meaningless on July 26, 2001, at 16:28:43
In reply to Re: a cybersummer romance, posted by Willow on July 26, 2001, at 13:55:50
Hi Willow,I`ve been following the „summer romance thread“ and I think maybe my personal experience might be of intererst for you. It`s a true story, but if there`s any advice in it... I don`t know but I hope that knowing you are not alone with what you feel at the moment could help you.
It all began several months ago. I "met" someone on an internet-discussion board, we got on well, e-mailed each other and finally started to talk via an instant messenger service (which scared me at first. A real time chat, me? With my "poor" english? But it turned out that I can manage it)
We became friends and had a lot of fun, and one day he asked me if I would mind if he invites someone else to join the chat. And, tell you what, we had even more fun 3 people chatting.
The friend who has been invited was going through a difficult time and somehow we started to chat regularly (just him and me) and I enjoyed that very much. This was fine for a few months but "something" would bother me more and more each time we chatted. And that was the distance of 700km between us (sorry, don`t know what that`s in miles, but it is a long distance).If you get on so well with someone, it`s only natural that you wish to meet that person „in the flesh“, but I suppose it was more than that.
At first, he was a little scared when I told him, I would like to visit. That was in January. In February.. guess, what happened? Yes, I finally mananged to „talk his head off“ until he agreed ;o)
Don`t get me wrong, it`s not that he did not want to meet me, he`s just „very english“ and ... a little shy.
So, there I was, booking a flight to England. And it`s absolutely honestly when I say I never had any doubts like „Girl, do you know what you are doing? You are going to visit a complete stranger in a foreign country, you must be nuts!“. No. I never thought of such things – which is quite uncommon for me, I am a skeptical and wary person.
And I still think there was something my heart did know, long before my brain even realized it`s presence.
He collected me from the coach station, then we had dinner together. MMmmm... makes me hungry just to think of it. Yes, he cooked for us... is that so unbelievable? :o)
Later then I checked in to the guest-house and we said good night. Well, it was not realy a „good“ night. I couldn`t find to sleep and ended up watching a film and afterwards the Teletubbies (woe!) until dawn.
I don`t want to bore you with each detail of the following day, so I will skip it – in the evening we went to the cinema and watched „cast away“ (horrible this scene when Tom Hanks uses an ice-skate to remove his aching tooth, isn`t it?). I still did not notice anything.. well, maybe I did, but tried to ignore it. But then, on the way home, I was sitting next to him in his car... suddenly there it was. An overwhelming smell. Odd? Yes, perhaps. I am very sensitive for smells, must be a hereditary disease ;o)
Anyway.. it drove me crazy, I could feel how my heart began to stumble....and I had no idea what to do.
I think now it`s time to mention that I am in a relationship. My partner and I are together for 6 years. See my dilemma? But in this moment, I did not think about him, I forgot almost everything around me, this emotions were just too strong to ignore or try to be logical (whatever that means).
We arrived at his flat and he again cooked for us. I felt that I could not handle to pretend I did not feel anything for him for another 2 days. I went outside to smoke a cigarette (and to think about it all). When I came back into the kitchen, he looked at me, obviously worried if there`s anything wrong with me. And that it was... I took a deep breath... and told him about my feelings. It took about 15 (painful!) minutes to make him understand what I was saying. As I said.. „shy guy“, he could not believe that this was true. But then...phew...it turned out that he felt the same for me and I grabbed him and gave him a great hug (he was still too shy to do so, but we are emancipated women, aren`t we?) At the end of the day we ... yes, you are right, exactly that. And it was wonderful...sigh.
We spent another 2 romantic days and nights together. And then....I had to go back home.
I felt like I was dreaming at that time.. nothing seemed „real“. At first we agreed to take our romance as a gift of life, an opportunity which we just grasped. But, of course... there is no romance without love (at least for me this is impossible). And things became complicated within the following months. There were days, when I missed him like hell.. I can tell you. And so he did.
As a consequence, another visit followed. More days and nights full of love and romance, and again it came the day when we had to say goodbye for another 2 months or so. I have to admit that I was unpleased with my relationship at that time (and maybe I still am). I suffer from recurring phases of depression for about 14 years, and my partner has not the foggiest idea what that means. It`s not only that.. there are several things which are difficult between us.
So, and there he was. Understanding, romantic, loving... everything what I ever wished for. What now?
When the pain which missing him caused me became too much one day (and I had kept it inside for much too long as I had to hide it back at work and also from my partner), well, one night when we were chatting it all came out in a blast... and I made a „fatal“ decision. I asked him if he would move over to germany in case I would split up with my partner.. and he said „yes“. Oh dear... I still regret that I was unable to prevent this to happen. „Regret“ perhaps is the wrong word. I don´t regret anything ... and I am pretty sure I would change nothing if I could turn back time and start at the beginning. It was just too wonderful and I don`t want to miss this very special experience in my life.
At the next day.. my brain started working again and I had to realize that I already had tried to leave my partner, and failed badly. I just could not imagine my life without him. I love him, despite all things wich might be wrong between us. I am still willing to „repair“ this relationship and it seems it is not hopeless, so I should not throw it away that „easy“. And, additional to that, I strongly believe that, if I would have split up with him to be with someone else... the new realtionship would have been doomed to fail. On the one hand, there is surely nothing more romantic than „doing everything for love“, but on the other... no-one can switch off old memories that quickly. I think, sooner or later I would have blamed my new partner for making me split up with the other one because in my opinion, leaving someone just because there`s something more „appetizing“ is the wrong way. It is unfair against both, the „lover“ and the „partner“. If I decide there is no way to make my relationship work anymore.. then it has to be because it`s really over and not because I am trying to go the „easy way“. It took me a long time to realize that and even more sleepless nights, or in best case crying myself to sleep. And that was not only beause of my own pain. I said I felt „something“ for my english Mr. Wonderful. That`s not quite right. I love him. Yes, I still do. Sure, this love has changed from „passionately“ to more or less „platonic“ but this mysterious bond between us is still there and I believe that will never change.
And when you love someone, of course you care for him. I cannot describe the desperation I felt, knowing my decision was the only sensible if I wanted to prevent even more pain for us both to come, but that doesn`t mean it did not brake my heart to see him so sad and so badly hurt. And as I said, it was a „sensible“ decision, which I mainly made using my brain and suppressing the feelings I had. I still think it was the best thing to do, but nonetheless, sometimes it still hurts. Will take time to come over it, but I am optimistic that this special bond between him and me will be strong enough, so we can go back to „just friends“. Actually, we already agreed to try it and are much more successful as it would be expected on both sides when we made this agreement a few weeks ago.
It will be an „uncommon“ friendship, because of what happened between us, but maybe especially because of that it is different (in a positive way) from other friendships. We know each other very well and can talk about everything without any taboos. I did not have many good friends in my life and I NEVER had a friend like him before.
So, Willow. That was my story so far, but the chapter is not closed, and I am looking forward to continue writing my „book of life“ which is now enriched by a very special person.
poster:meaningless
thread:7959
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010726/msgs/8059.html