Posted by mila on March 29, 2001, at 3:07:07
I am afraid of psychotherapy. I had my first session today, and it was totally unremarkable besides the fact that several hours afterwards I started trembling, felt exhausted, feeble, and fell asleep in the middle of the day.
what confuses me most is that I do not want to go 'back to normalcy', i do not like the way i am now, and i do not want to change for the better. I do not really understand what are my choices or wants. partly this might be due to the effect of Paxil which makes me very apathetic. partly, because i am very very tired of waking uphill. way to the top seems far away, as well as way to the bottom, and i cannot live where i am now either.
this is very perplexing to me. part of me wishes that therapist did something to me that i haven't been able to achieve on my own, and other part fears, that it might mutilate me in ways i cannot foreseen.
what's wrong with me? maybe i do not feel desperate enough?
I'll try to sit still for a while and see whether some answer will emerge.
mila
poster:mila
thread:5331
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010324/msgs/5331.html