Posted by ksvt on November 27, 2000, at 7:31:38
In reply to Re: group dynamics » ksvt, posted by allisonm on November 26, 2000, at 17:50:41
>Allison - In a perverse way, you're in great shape. You managed to tune out a birthday (as if it didn't happen and you haven't aged), you avoided an awkward Thanksgiving, and you have all your Xmas shopping done. If I didn't know better these would be things I'd aspire to.
I don't know alot about your situation. I do know that what you are feeling is temporary; I don't think you've always felt this way, and obviously because the meds start working better, or circumstances change, you'll feel differently at some point in the future. I also know that this is a really tough time of year for me, and I am fortunately surrounded by people who have good feelings about Xmas and sharing it with one another. Xmas seems to come on so quickly, that there is never time for me to feel prepared. I'm indecisive and insecure about the gifts I give other people, so I feel more acutely than I might otherwise, that I've disappointed people in some way. Worst of all these last several years, I face the end of the year feeling as though I've wasted another year dealing with depression. Do you think this is part of what you're going through as well?
2 things you said in particular resonated with me. The first was that you couldn't tell whether the meds weren't working or whether outside factors were making you feel so crabby. I go through this all the time because I have such little faith in the meds and so hate the process of making meds changes. It is always easier for me to decide that what I'm feeling is not depression related, but just me. The trap to this is that changing ourselves or how we think about ourselves is infinitely more difficult than attacking the symptoms of depression. If you think it's you, you've foreclosed some viable alternatives for relief. Maybe there are circumstances which would fell a "normal" person, but how you react to them might be unique.
The other thing that got me was your "get a life" comment. I beat myself up all the time for not being a little more proactive about doing more things, having contact with more people etc. I think I do this because there is some truth to what your pdoc says. The more engaged we are in other things, the less time we have to brood. Of course the trap there is that depression has something to do with being withdrawn to begin with and makes it difficult to break out of that rut. It's one of those maddening catch-22s. You can't get as well as you'd like until you break out a bit, and you can't break out because you're depressed. There is nothing easy about this. Sometimes it sounds so simple, but I'm in a similar hole right now, and feeling similarly like there is very little hope that things will get better for any appreciable time. I still think you need to try and try slowly. Don't look at "getting a life" as forging new, potentially risk-filled, relationships. Try not to attach so much importance (eg. the burden of failed expectations) to things you do. Hang in there, and PLEASE keep us posted (no poor pun intended) on how you're doing. ksvt (who has alot of trouble following her own advice.)
PS: what kind of meds changes are you trying?
ksvt,
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> Thanks for asking. I have been away part of last week and this. I've checked into PB et al here and there but have not felt much like writing, nor have there been many threads to which I felt I could contribute. I also have felt the hostility and want no part it.
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> The meds have seemed to work to a point. Some days it seems they work better than others. I have a hard time trying to deceipher whether my bad moods are a result of the meds not exactly working or if it's just normal stuff happening that would cause anyone to be crabby. It irritates my pdoc, but I have refused to try and guess anymore. The last few weeks, I've felt crabby more often than not.
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> I've been hating my job lately, been considering rejoining the family business but wonder whether that would just make life even worse than it already is.
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> It hasn't helped that my birthday and Thanksgiving have passed in the last two weeks and now Christmas is coming. Two thirds of my family disappeared two years ago and sometimes I have trouble being alone this time of year. I was brought up to celebrate everything. The remaining third of my family is not very adept or interested in celebrating anything. So I've spent a fair amount of time lately wondering what's the point? Why bother? I managed to actually forget that it was my birthday (a major accomplishment). I went away for T-G in part to avoid invitations to dinner with people I don't really know because I have tried that before and it just makes me feel worse, more alienated. Most all of my Christmas shopping is done, I think in an attempt to will the holiday away as quickly as possible. I thought perhaps this year would be better than the last two, but right now it doesn't feel that way.
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> My pdoc thinks that if I had more of a life, that bad things at work wouldn't seem so bad and my life might feel more balanced. I agree, but the thought of getting into another relationship scares the hell out of me. I think suicide would be a lot easier. There isn't a man on this earth (and not too many women) that I trust, with the possible exception of my pdoc.
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> Sorry. Thanks again.
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> Allison
poster:ksvt
thread:3070
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001117/msgs/3301.html