Posted by Noa on November 24, 2000, at 11:46:09
In reply to Re:Bipolar Disorder as portrayed by Sally Field, posted by Chris A. on November 24, 2000, at 1:49:18
> > > > >For me feeling good is a bit scary because of the
inevitable crash. Fortunately this fall has been a bit smoother, but I am afraid to say it.Chris, This resonates with me, big time. I don't have bipolar, but I have recurrent depression, and after some bad episodes, when I finally came to realize my depression was chronic/recurrent (before I kept thinking I was "done" with it at the end of each episode), I started to develop horrible anxiety about feeling better. I was afraid of feeling better, because if I started to hope and trust in the better mood, I would just be that much more disappointed--no, devastated!--if/when I crashed again. I became vigilant about the return of any depressed feelings. I have calmed down some, and yes, some depression has seeped in, but I haven't "crashed" because I am learning to tolerate some variation, some depressed times, without it having to mean complete descent into hell. But it is still hard work, to fend off the feeling of impending doom, of having to hold tight to be vigilant for the beast's return, to try not to catastrophize every little downturn. It is work, to learn to enjoy the good days without being afraid to trust in any good feelings. And, it is a process of grieving, too.
I didn't see ER last night. I assume from your post that they did continue the story about the Sally Field character. I wish I had seen it.
What you wrote touched me. You express the tragedy so well.
I was especially touched by what you said about the self-doubt that stays with you-- not knowing how you are coming across to people. The recurrence of my depression leaves me with a lot of self doubt---I often am not sure I can trust my self, my judgment, my feelings. I would think it might be all the moreso with bipolar, because of the range of emotions and the effect on ones life.
I was also touched by your reminder that having bipolar can come without the stereotypical "gifts" of artistic talent, etc. What a way to wound the wounded--if we perpetuate the myth that there is, for everyone, a "plus" side to a devastating illness, then those of us without that "plus" feel all the more wounded. Not every autistic person is a savant--in fact most are not. But publicity about the savant phenomenon catches the interest of the public. It is glamourous, somehow.
I think what you are saying is that glamour beside the point. Glamour is a myth. It may exist for some, but not for all.
I am so glad to hear you are doing somewhat better, Chris. I have followed some of your posts over time and know you have been through a lot, and tried different things to get your illness under control. I admire your perseverence.
poster:Noa
thread:2824
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001117/msgs/3229.html