Posted by shar on September 3, 2000, at 1:16:51
In reply to Re: real life instruction manual? » allisonm, posted by Cindy W on September 2, 2000, at 22:04:59
Cindy,
It is so hard to try to deal with all the issues that come up when a parent is so ill. Not only the illness, but all the family interactions, and all the disruptions to your own life (not being cold, it's just a fact).It took me years to get over hating my mom. Somehow I got to the point that hating her was worse for me. I haven't forgotten the abuse and humiliation and thoughtless, uncaring acts. I somehow decided that I could focus on that if I wanted or I could focus more on the present. I have told her when what she says has hurt me, and at the same time, I have told her how much I appreciate the things I learned from her (how to be a survivor). I find it easier to set boundaries, and take charge of me when I'm with her. I don't feel I'm at her mercy.
If there is anything that you could say to your mom that you appreciated, no matter how small, and what a positive influence it had, that might be easier than trying to say "you are a great mom" or "I love you" if it isn't really true.
Good luck, I hope you can make this visit your own and not be too dragged down by your dad or sis, and do what you need to do with your mom so you can look back on it with contentment.
I also never expect to get anything back from my mom, like love or respect, or caring. That really takes the pressure off. So, I can say what I want to say and am not disappointed when she blows it off or whatever. The point is, I said it, and hope she took it in.
Since your mom is sick, I expect you need to be more restrained in what you say, but I encourage you to think hard about anything she did or taught you or modeled for you that has helped you in this life.
Shar
poster:shar
thread:395
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20000813/msgs/412.html