Posted by Annabelle Smith on November 17, 2010, at 0:46:19
I just needed to come on here tonight. I see my therapist again in less than 2 days, but it feels like it is an eternity away. I feel like I can hardly make it in between sessions, and as I get closer and closer to a session, I feel less able to sleep. I notice a strange pattern that has been happening. I am usually somewhat fine for the first day or two after a session. It is like his presence is still real and is still with me. Then, gradually as each day passes, it becomes harder and harder to remember what it was like to sit in a session, safe with my therapist. I forget the feeling of safety and even how he looks. I have said this before, but sometimes I have listened to saved voicemail messages-- often, it is the only thing that can soothe. It is like hearing his voice brings forth his presence again, which makes me feel safe and protected, often enough to be able to continue with my day or if at night, to fall asleep.
I know that I am idealizing him very highly and I feel very, very attached. This idealization is both soothing and very uncomfortable. I feel an intense hope and dread, fear and comfort, anxiety and depression that comes from this relationship. All of this evokes a feeling in me that I also felt for the 3 months that I worked with him last spring-- it is a sacred feeling; it is a general mood that I have felt over and over in life, a longing for something that I can't quite define-- home, God, self, my mom, my brother, something that has been lost and that I have been grieving. And the dependency feels like it goes to the core, nearly a dependency that I am relying on to survive, a safety that is a groundedness.
I have ongoing running conversations in my head with my therapist. When I get into the silence of my room, I start to talk out loud and can't stop-- there are so many things that I need to talk about. I have longed for a safe place and for a real human relationship for the past 12 years. I have tried to find that with others-- always older people that I tend to go to in desperation, like pastors or teachers. Sometimes I become emotionally close to them, but I usually feel like I blow the boundaries in that I tell them too much at once in too intense of a tone, and they typically back away. Here, finally, is someone with whom I can be honest.
But now I feel so obsessed. I feel ashamed of this, like I am "using" him in a bad way, although I don't know why that would be. I can't help that I am this way right now. It is like he is the only safe ground amidst the chaos, and insofar as that is the case, I see him as my mother, as my groundedness in being, and as my God.
I have read interpretations that this means I am what self psychology (Kohut) calls "object hungry" and lacking a solid self structure. I therefore cling to "selfobjects" that I can idealize, that mirror my experiences, and that I can imitate. This is borderline pathology. This is also just one interpretation, but it says that if this is the case, then the path to healing involves idealizing the therapist and eventually re-building the self structure which for some reason never developed in childhood. I do often feel like I am 10 years old and am supposed to be living as an adult-- hence this feeling that when I graduate, I can't function. I mean this so literally-- it is terrifying.
Maybe I would do best to stay away from theory and anazlying myself from every perspective. It makes me feel more crazy and lost. But it is hard when I just want to figure out what is going on and to get a grip on life again.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:970565
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/970565.html