Posted by workinprogress on November 10, 2010, at 1:19:30
In reply to Loneliness, posted by Daisym on November 9, 2010, at 17:04:49
Daisy,
I've talked about this difference at length with my therapist. I talk about the distinct difference between feeling "alone" and feeling "lonely. I just read Dinah's post and I think it's the same, though I use the words differently... but I think the sentiment is the same.
To me, lonely is... gosh, I'd really like to have someone right now to hang out with and talk to, it's a passing feeling. Alone to me is the feeling of being "alone in the world". It's much more existential and profound. And as my T and I have talked about it... "alone" is a "feeling memory" it's that feeling I get (often triggered by feeling lonely) that I am alone, that I am disconnected, that I am... well, not whole. In fact, I think it is this that spurred the discussion with my T of secure attachment. She said that essentially, that "alone"/"empty" feeling will go away when I securely attach, because then she will be a part of me, will always be with me and I won't feel "alone". I'll always have times of "lonely"- that's the human condition, but I feel "alone" because it's that memory of the "blank/disconnected" feeling I got with my mother.
Not sure if that hits the mark at all with you, but I do get the difference and distinction. It's why I guess, I felt the need to make clear that I have relationships and people. That my struggle with my T is not about not having anyone else, but that what I'm really needing is that solid foundation. I've looked for it from people that could never provide it: friends, partners, etc. In the end... it's the "corrective experience" with my T that can provide it. Someday we'll get there, I just wish it wasn't such a painful struggle along the way.
I hope this was helpful in some way to you. You've been so helpful to me, I so want to give back...
I think what you're talking about is a deeper longing... something I so understand wanting and longing for... it isn't what you get from those other (very important and good relationships).
Does that resonate?
((((((Daisy)))))
WIP
> Lonely -
>
> Is this a feeling state that can persist despite a reality check that says one has lots of relationships? Can you keep yourself lonely and if so, what are the secondary gains from doing so? (besides safety, which seems obvious.) Is there a difference between being alone and feeling alone?
>
> My therapist doesn't "miss" often but he sure did yesterday. We'd talked off and on last week about how alone I was feeling right now. And he said yesterday that he'd been thinking about this because it seemed to him that I had "lots" of relationships - including one with him - so I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. Or something like that. What I heard was, "you aren't really lonely, you just think you are. You need to stop thinking like that." So of course, I'm now beating myself up for wanting more than I have. And I've pushed those feelings underground so I'm "fine."
>
> No really - I am. Just fine. Sad - but fine.
poster:workinprogress
thread:969443
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/969532.html