Posted by Wittgensteinz on November 22, 2008, at 18:04:17
In reply to The L word with T?, posted by JayMac on November 22, 2008, at 12:31:16
Like Twinleaf, I have also told my therapist (analyst) how I love him. What I find interesting is how using the word 'love' requires particular courage - there are of course many ways of showing love/expressing love to someone. For me, actually saying the words "I love you" was a very big thing. I recall feeling afraid it would sound trivial or corny - 'I love you' is almost as over used as certain swear words - when such strong/powerful language is over-used, it makes it hard when we really want to use it with conviction. Using 'love' also brought a new level of vulnerability - it opened up the whole topic of what kind of love - of course there is a whole spectrum of loving feelings. For me, by daring to use the love word, I was opening the door to the discussion of the extent of my loving feelings toward him. In my case, it took courage but saying it felt good - a relief.
JayMac, you're right, actually saying it does make it more real - it makes it something that you both experience there and then at the same moment (she feels your love, and you feel your love toward her) - until now, you know how you feel toward her and likely she does too, but it hasn't been acknowledged and experienced mutually in the here and now - and that's something very important.
The first time I told my T I loved him, I did so in an e-mail (and this came after many months of building up to it i.e. telling him he mattered to me, that there were times when I really missed him, that I felt increasingly attached to him, that it mattered to me how he felt toward me etc.). Anyway, as always with any e-mails I send him, we discuss them in the next session and I talk him through them - the reason for this is that then we experience whatever I wrote in the here and now. At the time, I asked him if he already knew that I loved him. He said he did - that he already felt it through the other things I had said but that he found it courageous of me to express it explicitly. We then shared a warm moment of silence together.
I rarely send mails at this stage - I think because I can express myself more freely - there is less 'left-over' that should have been said and which I then force myself to write instead.
I've met these moments numerous times during my therapy (I've been seeing my T for about 20 months). Usually it is with very difficult, painful (shameful) things - things that have required an extra level of trust to share - but it is these very things that are the most difficult, the things I feel the strongest desire to avoid that when I do share bring the most relief and carry me the furthest forward - I have to say that I have never regretted taking the plunge and just letting go enough to say it. Being able to just talk freely is really a gift and in my experience as time goes and trust builds, it becomes more spontaneous.
Twinleaf, I can imagine that last session will be one that will remain vividly fixed in your mind - did sharing your love bring you similar feelings of relief and warmth?
JM - good luck - when you are ready, this will be a very important thing to share with your T.
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:864636
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/864732.html