Posted by antigua3 on August 15, 2008, at 15:24:27
Well, Ive written a book here about my relationship with my pdoc, and how his more CBT-like approach is so different from my psychodynamic T, and whether Im being helped or hurt by his approach.
Im still shaking from my last pdoc apptthree days ago!!! And I cant keep it in anymore. Actually, thats what I feel like; everything is pushing at the door of my consciousness, and Im fiercely holding that door shut, pushing with all my might, but some of the feelings keep slipping through. I have definitely been depressed since our appt. Wish I could cry.
So here goes. This is really hard for me. This week, I went in and told him something that was terribly intimate, humiliating and very embarrassing to me. It was about how I reacted to an incident that triggered me to the point of disassociation, and compliance. I was so disgusted w/myself for not standing up for myself and screaming NO! I should have been able to do that because Im an adult now, and yes, I am responsible for my own actions and behaviorstheres the CBT for youbut I cant understand why I complied. I know precisely how this situation mirrored my csa, and even why I would make this decision, but I was still so disappointed in myself.So, I decided to tell my pdoc about this incident, and I already have it in my mind that hes going to tell me Im an adult, responsible for my decisions, yada, yada, yada. I know which path he will head down. So why did I decide to tell him? And why not wait to discuss it w/my more compassionate T first?
I have no idea why I did this; its like I opened myself up for his disapproval or disappointment.
So, I told him (and told him I already knew what he would say) and he listened quietly. I was having trouble breathing, but I didnt cry (wish I did), and I felt the terror was just within reach, about to get me. My pdoc tried to have me differentiate between these experiences as a child and an adult, and how they were the same. I was getting angry, because as I said, I knew where he was going. I headed him off at every pass, maybe because I didnt want to feel the shame I was going to feel when he actually did point out that I was an adult (he never did, though). He said it was about untangling the mess so I could pull out which parts were about today, and which were about being a child. Again, my interpretation was that he was leading me to accountability, which would make me feel ashamed.
We ran out of time, and I was angry. It occurred to me that I was just throwing my anger on him, and he said that was OK, he could handle it. I said he had responded exactly as I had predicted and what a fool I was for bringing this up, knowing what his response would be. And how utterly embarrassed I was for sharing something I felt was so intimate. I said I had hoped that we could get to that untangling and not stay stuck on the responsibility part. I pretty much stormed out. I just felt so humiliated.
The next day Im telling all of this to my T, and I cry because what I really wanted to do was tell her first, but she was out of town (yes, mother abandonment issues; were working on them!). I hurt.
So then she asked me to characterize how my pdoc reacted. Dumbstruck, almost, I realized that he had been kind, and do I dare say, compassionate? That he hadnt judged me at all, although I projected he would. Then she asked the classic question, How did his kindness make you feel? She hit it exactly right. I was so afraid of his kindness that I ran like the dickens because in my experience, after kindness from a male comes pain, hurt and terror. I rejected his compassion completely. He did say, There isnt anything right now that I could say that would be right to you. He was right, because there was no way I was going to let him in.
So, here for the first time ever being treated by a male pdoc/T, he didnt run when I told him some of my perceived awfulness. (Hes the first partly because Ive only opened up like this to one other male T and he referred me out!)
Youd think I would feel good about this, but I dont. Im petrified to see him again. Im so, so, so, embarrassed I dont think I can go back. Having him know this about mehe must think Im an awful person. I do! I cant get it out of my mind. I cant go back.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:846433
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080810/msgs/846433.html