Posted by Phoenix1 on January 14, 2008, at 20:42:44
In reply to Re: Bringing items to therapy - Cutting Trigger?- » Phoenix1, posted by Maxime on January 14, 2008, at 20:34:52
> I think it is control thing as to why I don't tell him I have a blade (at least 1). I am scared he would take it away. I always need to know that I can kill myself at any time should the need arise. Sounds stupid I bet.
>
> MaximeNot stupid at all. It's actually not so different from me always carrying around enough benzos to off myself, or at least put myself into a nice warm coma.
It's being in control of 1 single thing when you feel you have no control over anything else in your life. It's something to hang on to, a security blanket. It makes so much sense to me actually. I don't have it anymore. I really don't feel any sense of control over anything even though my depression is better. On one level I'm improving, on another level, I think I'm going to need some therapy to resolve my issues. Not sure if I've found the right T. It's so weird. I don't know if he's OK yet. I certainly don't trust him yet. I had my guard up for the first session, although I was open, and honest.
Anyways Maxime, I understand the blade thing, and if it gives you that control that you feel you n eed to keep going then that's fine. I would be interested to see what your T would say about it. I doubt he'd take it away, especially if you told him what the significance was. And I do worry a lot about your cutting. See, I worry about so much that is so far beyond my control.
Feeling some emotion tonight for the first time since the really bad depression...
Phoenix1
poster:Phoenix1
thread:806473
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/806543.html