Posted by Dinah on February 18, 2007, at 10:37:14
My therapist said that in the early years of therapy, he was often frustrated by the fact that every week seemed like a new start. He said that usually if a client has connected in therapy, they build on the blocks built the week before and the sessions are connected and progressive. But he never felt that there was any foundation to build on.
I asked him why he thought that was, and he said that some clients had a hard time forming relating to others, and that he assumed that I was one of those clients. That I just couldn't connect. I asked what he thought *now*, but he never really said he'd changed his mind. He did a mighty fine dance move, and left my question largely unanswered. Which left me wondering if he still thinks that, and if the relationship I thought we'd built up is all in my mind. I guess I need to talk to him about that.
I told him that I was probably doing a pretty good job of conveying my inner life to him. I always feel a disconnection or choppiness to my life from one day to the next. I don't feel like the same person from day to day, leaving me with a poor sense of who I am. Experiences feel like they happened to someone else. I can recount them but they rarely have emotional resonance after a day or two. I think the various dissociative coping mechanisms I've relied on lead me to feel not terribly real, and certainly not terribly *continuous* if that makes any sense.
I told him that I didn't think I was conveying information about my relational style as much as I was conveying information about who I was and how I experienced myself. I was creating in him the same frustrating experience I daily create in myself.
He agreed with a *lot* of what I said, but I'm still left wondering if he thinks I have impaired abilities to form normal attachments to others. That makes me feel a bit defensive and hurt, given how I feel about our relationship. It reminds me of the time that the pdoc from h*ll told me that I'd never be able to bond with my son, or feel the things that normal mothers feel, because I just didn't have the capacity to do that. And how I inferred that given the short amount of time I'd seen said pdoc, this information must have come from my therapist. And how hurt I was at the time at this assessment.
I'd hoped he had changed his mind about me...
poster:Dinah
thread:733798
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/733798.html