Posted by kerria on December 21, 2006, at 11:48:49
In reply to Re: i Can't Find A T - so much FEAR PAIN now » kerria, posted by sunnydays on December 21, 2006, at 8:46:12
Hi Sunnydays. Thank you for writing to me.
The hospital gave me three therapists to call and each one said that they couldn't take me. Two of the three said that they didn't feel qualified to have a client with DID because they don't know much about it and that they refer their clients that find out they have DID to the hospital that i was going to -- the same trauma program that threw me out.
i'm so upset- i need a T and no one will take me. The other T said that she had no spaces. i'm so discouraged i'm crying about it every time i think about it and my life is a wreck every day. i can't do anything.i had my car broken into- an obsene caller is calling me, i'm afraid my house will be broken into . i lost it totally and broke down in front of the only people who might still have a thread of repect for me because of my experrtise in a field of study of my job- i hate myself and now am afraid to go to that hospital- i'm afraid of being late. tears.
tears it's a holiday season fron hell - i'm disappointing my family - my h hates me and always criticizes me about everything i am- i'm too self -willed- i'm too selfish- too everything bad - fill in the blank. i think he wants me to kill myself and if he keeps getting my parts to hate each other so much i will. he has no sdesire for me to get better and have a relationship with him.
i'm mourning the lost relationship. and all my lost chances - i hate my life- i'm so afraid to leave anything in the car (the window is still broken) so i carried all this stuff into my locker at work- i'm such a nutcase. i almost don't think i can go to work. i don't feel like i work there- when i get there i switch to the work person- i wish i could be better- more functional- that my family at home didn't hate me. i love them i'm a mess now - without a T to help me- and everything is a confusing mess because i literally don't know what i'm (parts) are doing. i'm proactive as i can be- but i still can't hold meetings with parts- i'm so separated. tears. i wish i could find a T. Why doesn't anyone in that great hospital for trauma treatment care about me? Why? Why? i did all i could do to work hard and made huge steps - even giving names of my parts to that T who heartlessly terminated me. Why did the supervisor agree? HOW CAN that be so HEARTLESS to someone that is honestly trying and working and paying and using up my insurance visits on their program?
tears why is it so unfair for me? why isn't anyone trying to find help for me? i tried too hard- it's devastating to be rejected like this.
It's devastating to live with so much daily verbal a. from h. i'm not allowed to talk in my house - i can't talk of someone will scream at me or make fun of me.It's so hard to live like this.
Why won't a T take me? why did that T make that decision to terminate me- how heartlessly selfish can someone be? i was trying so hard to do well and was doing well there. Then he not only terminated me- he said i was unfit to even come there- so i can't have any other therapist there either. What a terrible thing - how could he do that to someone who's trying not to give up in the face of so much againsst me?Why was the decision accepted by the dr's at the head of that program? WHY do they think i'm not ever going to get better- a waste of time to treat? WHY? WHAT is so wrong with me ? WHY? WHY? WHY?
tears.
i'm so tired of reading how so many have a T and their worst problem is wondering what kind of gift they can give and i 'm so rejected and have no relationships with any one that's supportive. - not totally true- there's a T that cares about me but doesn't know how to talk to parts and upsets me - not on purpose but i need a T to help me with parts now- so so much. i'm a good person- i never broke any laws or anything- why won't they stop rejecting me? Why is it ok to single me out as untreatable?
tears- in a terrible place now, tears- i can't stop crying- i'm so rejected.
i don't just feel rejected- i am rejected. NO ONE will take me. tears,tears,
kerria
poster:kerria
thread:714321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/715443.html