Posted by iarosepetal on July 24, 2006, at 21:28:34
This is my very first post to this website.
As we all do, I have a story to tell, but tonight I am screaming for input on something I will (in short) try to explain.
As a rather last-ditch-effort at therapy, I met with a psychologist anew to me. Within a few months, we were working with a regression/type therapy which included holding. We were aware that, particularly with my past history, that I was taking a risk - that which included the issue of deep dependency on the therapist.
Therapy continued, leading from anewed awakenings of what I'm sure was an unmet need for acceptance at a young age. But, here's the problem, this unmet need accompanied me to present age of 40-something. Also I had been in no relationship for 7 years. My primal need for acceptance soon got mixed-up with attraction to my therapist. We were both aware. Although "nothing" happened, he had done nothing to stop this either, and our last session was quite intense as I spoke of my feelings. THEN - therapist on leave for 6 months.
I had known this was always a possibility but never ever thought it would happen. Nor did he.
We spoke intermittently and I awaited his return.
I barely survived this period of abandonment.
THEN - upon his return, something had made such an impact upon him that he agreed to continue to see me, but this would no longer include any holding. I struggled with this for a few months as we argued and reasoned and so on.. I felt just like one of those baby monkeys abandoned by their mother - and completely broken. He admitted he was to blame but as I came to a final breakdown and begged for him to hold me - he would not - and this was enough turbulence for him to terminate me as he could not deal with this situation.
It's been 3 months and I am still shaken to the core.
I am reentering therapy with a new psychologist but I know that I will never again trust enough to or even have the chance to receive the healing that I found with him. So I wonder if it will all be in vain until I can figure out just "what" to do with the pieces of me that he left scattered.
He has agreed to speak with me perhaps one last time to help me with closure, although he has ignored these requests for 3 months, I finally have at least this to work with as I will then ask him the questions ? ? ?
Anyone have any advice on how one can ever replace this gift when abandoned - as I would normally seek it thru a false relationship which I don't want to do anymore.
Please Help. I feel like there really is no hope for this issue - no, I'm quite sure of it. But how do I recover from such an intense thing while struggling with a deep depression that has consumed me all along during this time.
poster:iarosepetal
thread:670174
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/670174.html