Posted by Tamar on May 26, 2006, at 16:08:15
OK, I’m going with Orchid’s suggestion and posting something about my stuff instead of trying to hide from it… Sorry for the long whine...
I’m really struggling in therapy. The transferential stuff is completely different this time and I’m having trouble making sense of it. I don’t want to be his lover or his partner, though I still think he’s attractive and sexy. However, it’s the kind of bearable attraction I feel for people in real life rather than the compelling, urgent, gotta-lick-him-now desire I used to feel. So it’s not the old erotic transference. I think perhaps my inner teenager wants him to be a father figure, but the grown-up me doesn’t share those wishes.
The biggest problem for me is that I feel he is very distant. I want to feel closer to him. I don’t want to overstep the real life boundaries: I don’t want him to tell me all about his family or anything like that, and I don’t want to sit on his knee… well, not really. Only in my imagination. I wouldn’t want it in real life. So I’m trying to figure out what I *do* want. And all I can come up with is that I want to feel closer to him. And I feel devastated when I feel he’s distancing himself from me.
Sometimes I feel he’s right there with me: a few weeks ago I was talking to him about cutting myself and he seemed very emotionally engaged with the discussion. And then last week I thanked him for another conversation we’d had and he was all matter-of-fact… he just let it bounce off him. I guess I hoped he’d take it further… maybe ask why it was helpful or whatever… Sometimes I think he asks all the wrong questions, even though the questions he asks are perfectly reasonable.
I’ve been feeling very angry with him, and I haven’t told him because whenever I ask myself what I’m angry about it seems completely unfair. I’m angry because when we talked about our relationship he didn’t understand what I wanted, but then I guess I wasn’t able to explain it, and I’m not sure I even know.
I’m angry because we talked about the possibility that I could leave some of my photos with him and then he never mentioned it again, but of course I know that I’m the one who is supposed to mention it again.
I’m angry because when we did therapy yesterday he forgot it was the anniversary of the rape, even though we discussed meeting on the anniversary both last week and the week before. But, on the other hand, when I mentioned it we had a really good discussion about it.
I’m angry because I very much want to talk about issues of faith and he seems to want to back away, but on the other hand we have talked about it a bit... He says we can talk about anything, but I don’t believe him because when I try to talk about faith he seems to close it down fairly quickly.
I’m angry because when I told him that I want to feel close to him his response was to remind me that he can only see me for an hour a week. Actually I’m furious about that. I wanted him to ask me about it, or say it was OK or something. We talked about the therapeutic relationship constantly for about five weeks and I’m perfectly willing to work on my difficulties with it, but I really wanted him to tell me that it was OK or normal or understandable or acceptable or something like that. I know we can only meet for an hour a week. I just want that hour to feel close.
And I’m angry because he insisted that I need to know he has boundaries, whereas I was trying to say that I know perfectly well that he has boundaries; I have my own boundaries. I like his boundaries and I need them. I don’t want to push through them, but at the same time I don’t want to feel they operate like some kind of exercise of power. I don’t want him to make decisions about what’s best for me without discussing those decisions with me. He didn’t get it. Maybe I’m just acutely inarticulate. So no matter what I said, he kept telling me that he thinks I need to know he has boundaries. I want to shout: “I *know* you have boundaries. Please stop moving them around and I’ll happily learn where you keep them. And don’t assume you know what’s best for me without talking to me about it.”
I’m angry because I don’t have the ‘good’ side of the transference. Last time we did therapy together he was both Mr Dangerous and Mr Safe at the same time (in the transference). Mr Dangerous challenged me to rethink my situation and Mr Safe comforted me when I found it hard going. Neither version of him was the real person… they were figments of my imagination. And this time round I’ve got an imaginary Mr Distant and I don’t have Mr Close to compensate. It’s all pain and no comfort.
Why won’t he understand me? Maybe I’m imagining it all…
My gut feeling is that it’s a God transference: I want him to be omniscient and omnipresent and perfectly good. And of course he isn’t… But how can I talk about it with him if he backs away from faith issues?
Argh!
If anyone has actually read all this I’d be very grateful for your thoughts…
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:648983
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/648983.html