Posted by Racer on February 3, 2006, at 20:02:37
In reply to Re: Hurting » Daisym, posted by fairywings on February 3, 2006, at 19:02:35
This was on my mind today, and it clicked when I read FW's post. Here's the relevant passage:
>> "I don't know if it's the same for you, but at those times I want someone to hold me, take care of me, and love me, and for me to know that I'm the most precious thing in the world, and that I don't have to be strong if I want to feel sad and vulnerable. I guess part of growing means giving up that fantasy, getting past the crying inside, needing to be held and comforted, and told everything's going to be okay."
Maybe it's not about getting past the need to cry, be held, and comforted. Maybe what happens is that we are able to provide enough of it ourselves, that we can be more effective at getting this part of it from someone else?
As for being rescued, that I think is always going to be a problem. My ex-bf was good at "rescuing" -- which means that he was a control freak, because the rescuer gets to choose the method of rescue, so it's very unlikely to be anything like what you are hoping for. I've found that what I really want at this point is for someone to hold my hand so that I can rescue myself. I do want someone to support me through it, and I want someone to soothe me as I do it, but I don't want someone else to do it for me. (Partly because of my own control issues, I admit, because I want it done MY WAY.)
Now for what started me on this today, inspired by last night's therapy group. The fact that many of us felt as though we had to be perfect in order to avoid being rejected was on the table. Today, I was wanting to curl up in someone's lap and be petted, and I realized -- my role is to Take Care Of. Even the negative things that went on in my teens, they were part of taking care of my mother, because she needed me to be "bad" in order to get the sympathy and support she needed, while also hiding her part of the problems. (If I had been an angel child who wasn't "bad"? I'd probably have landed in foster care.) But these days, it's still all about taking care of someone else, mostly my husband and my mother. (Some things never change, right?) Anyway, what I really want is someone to take care of me for a change. It doesn't even have to be anything big. Maybe having someone make Theraflu for me when I'm sick, without requiring me to get up and show him how? Or having that same someone cook breakfast when I'm sick, rather than requiring me to do it? And certainly being held, etc.
I don't ever ask for that, and don't really know why. I know that I suck back inside myself, that I don't communicate anxiety. This week, I had some tests done that made me very nervous, very anxious. On the way into the first one, my husband asked if I was at all nervous about it? I nearly dropped in my tracks, because I was so nervous, so upset, and had been since the test was first scheduled. (My husband had to go with me to have the tests done, because I wasn't sure I'd be able to drive after. THAT sort of testing.) And then I realized that I didn't express it, and said to myself that it was because I wouldn't get it anyway. It was only later that I realized that I don't know whether or not I'd get any comforting, because I NEVER express that stuff, NEVER ask for it in those situations. I know I need to learn how to express vulnerability. Don't know how, of course. But maybe some of that is true for that whole "rescue" thing? Maybe, if we could express our vulnerability and our needs, someone would hold us, comfort us? (Not a T, of course. We can do the expressing there, but we're not gonna get the rescue.)
Does any of that sound right to anyone here? I think I'll be bringing it up wiht my T next session, if I remember, because it seemed like a good topic. Especially since, as I sit here thinking about wanting to be held and comforted, I can just FEEL from childhood the deep fear of that need. Guess I learned that one early, huh?
poster:Racer
thread:605725
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060131/msgs/606067.html