Posted by Racer on January 20, 2006, at 14:24:14
My T and I talked about how awful things have been for me lately. She says that she thinks it really is much worse now, because we're just allowing me to feel, encouraging me to feel. And that, since I've spent so much time working on NOT feeling, it's all much more extreme than it would otherwise be.
This came after the second visit to the new pdoc she recommended. The first time I saw her, I was not really able to get a feel for her. Mostly, I was just so far gone, I just wanted to stop all medications, because I was so very sick of doctors. This time, though, I can safely say: I'm not getting a good vibe off her. And this second time, I was very argumentative, which I suspect will make things worse for me. The thing is, this pdoc is VERY CBT, which is very common these days, and KEPT doing the whole, "And that's why you need to practice The Skills you should be working on with your T..." Hello? How many different times and ways do I need to say that CBT is NOT the right modality for me? And of course she seems to assume that's because I'm Not Doing It Right.
I kept telling her, "that's not helpful for me." And I finally tried to tell her about what I do, and how the CBT stuff makes it worse. She maybe heard part of it, because she said something like, "Oh, you use CBT to berate yourself." Yes, as I tried to tell you last session and this one.
She also kept trying to tell me what to do about situations that are upsetting me right now. I don't need therapy from her. I have a good therapist. But the problems were relevant to whether or not the meds were working.
So, I'm feeling pretty lousy about the whole thing. I'm afraid she'll just write me off as BPD and decide that there's nothing she can do to help me, so why bother to break a sweat? Of course, this is where I shut down, and why I go through these "it's not worth the problems trying to find a medication to help." Ugh. Thank you, Modern Medical Science.
Anyway, in talking about all this with my T, she said that she was glad that I was able to tell the doctor that what she was doing wasn't helpful; that there was a pretty good chance the doctor would indeed come back to BPD; and that the bottom line was that I needed to feel all the yucky things that I was feeling, because of all the years of NOT feeling them. I needed to do that, and CBT stylers wouldn't agree with that. And that it was much worse while I was getting it done with.
Back to my abcess analogy, right?
I hate this. I want it over with. I want it to go away. I want to go back to NOT feeling. I want to go back to feeling in control of myself and my emotions.
I want to go back to bed. I told my husband this morning that I didn't want to get out of bed. He just told me to get up. So, I'm up. It's overrated.
Has anyone made it through this? Managed to get through the hell of feeling? And been better for it? Or am I doing this for nothing?
And could someone tell me that there are decent pdocs out there?
poster:Racer
thread:601116
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/601116.html