Posted by Tamar on December 13, 2005, at 15:21:17
In reply to Unmotivated but happy. A kind of depression?, posted by Alara3 on December 13, 2005, at 9:09:19
Hello Alara, and welcome to Babble!
> I swear that I'm not depressed. I have a beautiful 8
> month-old baby daughter, a loving partner and own a
> great house with views to match. When my baby laughs,
> I get such an incredible endorphin rush that I could
> not possibly be depressed. I feel good about my life
> circumstances and am happy to be alive.Yay! Congratulations on the baby. She sounds sweet.
> But my world is very small, too small to be healthy.
> Most of the time, I have little interest in anything or anyone outside of my
> immediate family world. I have no interest in
> socialising and dread getting visitors, partly because
> I just can't be bothered making conversation and
> partly because I've never felt secure/confident in the
> world `out there'.Would getting to know other mothers be good for you?
> Worst of all, I am nowhere near as productive as other
> mothers. I take good care of the baby and house but
> that's about it. I'm always putting off attending to
> business affairs and just don't seem to have the
> motivation to make things happen. This frustrates my
> partner, who eventually feels resentful, because he
> works full-time and ends up organising a lot of our
> affairs (such as researching and buying a new car and
> blinds for the house) himself.You say he works full time. And what does he think *you’re* doing?
> Even on nights that my
> baby doesn't wake with teething, I toss and turn until
> 4am and then try to catch up on my sleep in the
> mornings. I get up slowly at 11am, take ages having a
> shower, getting a coffee etc. The scariest thing
> about this is that my mind is completely blank when I
> first get up and doesn't switch on for several hours!Ah yes. Baby brain. I remember it well. Perfectly normal. Your brain will return to its former capacity in a few months. Try not to tax it too much in the mean time. Choosing cars or blinds should be avoided; that’s no kind of work for a new mother : )
> I have always hated waking up and starting the day as
> I dread the `rush' that the whole world seems to be
> in. If I could live on my own terms, I would plod
> along slowly in the morning, gradually acting on
> little bursts of energy that hit later in the
> afternoon. But we live in a productivity-based,
> morning orientated world and I need to do an
> about-turn. How??? i drink 3 cups of coffee every
> morning but that only helps a little. I just cannot seem to get `wired' until late in the day!Well, that’s because you have a baby! Your body is recovering from pregnancy and labour; your hormones are still going wild, and you’re sleep-deprived. Life with a baby is supposed to be slow. Your baby will not be little for very long, so try to enjoy the slow pace while you can!
> Apparently other mothers are up at dawn, regardless of
> how much sleep they have had, and rush about cleaning
> at 6am before heading out to do errands in the morning
> and returning home to cook dinner in the early
> afternoon. (My partner knows other women who
> have 3 kids and work, while still managing to do all
> of this.) Apparently all the dishes are washed and
> the kids are bathed by 4pm. I, on the other hand, am
> still `on duty' at night, cooking, making formula,
> bathing etc and always seem to have loose ends at the end of the day.Yes, I have three kids so I’m familiar with this daily routine. I get up while it’s still dark, do some laundry and clean the bathroom, cook breakfast for everyone, take the kids to school and nursery, arrive at work by 9am, do a high-powered job until 3pm when I pick up the kids, cook dinner, give them all baths and have them in bed by 7pm, managing to squeeze in the washing up before my husband gets home.
Ah, I almost enjoyed that fantasy. Actually, I drag myself out of bed just in time to throw on some clothes and eat a banana before taking the kids to school and nursery (my husband gets up earlier than me and gives them breakfast and dresses them). I start work at 9am, and fortunately there is no one to see me yawning at my desk. I make feeble attempts to get things done until 3pm, when I pick up one kid from school. I do her homework with her, then I pick up the other two kids and cook dinner (I never make anything that involves real preparation; I throw everything in the oven and ignore it for an hour until it’s warm). My husband gets home at dinner time; he bathes the kids and puts them to bed. Then we snap at each other for a couple of hours until we go to bed grumpy. The living room hasn’t been vacuumed for two weeks. There are pots that have been waiting to be washed since Friday, and they seem to be getting impatient. I don’t know where my daughter’s school shoes are.
To an outsider, it probably looks as if I am coping pretty well. But outsiders haven’t seen what’s growing in those pots.
> My partner has been good about all of this but finds it hard to relax in the evening after work because I am still making noises in the kitchen etc. Yet I lack the motivation to change my ways.
And how do *you* relax in the evening after work???
> I just can't seem to get going in the morning. Do I
> need meds? From past experience, I know that SSRIs
> make me want to sleep even more.
> Sometimes I think that stimulants could help but I am
> prone to anxiety and wonder whether or not this would
> just compound the problem. In the past I had a lot of
> problems with anxious depression. These days I seem
> to semi-hibernate to protect myself from anxiety and,
> while life is far more comfortable this way, I'm far
> from functional.Gosh, you’re completely responsible for someone else’s life, 24 hours a day, with no regular breaks and no weekends off and no pay; you’re managing to look after the baby and the house and even get a shower, and this you call ‘far from functional’? I tell you, I’m pretty sure I smelled like a gorilla’s armpit for the first year of my first child’s life, and I certainly wasn’t doing a lot of housework. I think what you're managing to achieve is very impressive.
> Am I depressed (with low norepinephrine) or just plain
> lazy??? I actually feel quite low and flat in the mornings but my mood escalates as the day progresses.You are NOT lazy. You are probably exhausted and you might be depressed, but you are not lazy.
You did mention some signs that you might be depressed: you dread visitors, you’re not sleeping well even when you have the opportunity, and you seem to be feeling guilty about your productivity and your relationship. So you should take those things seriously, because they could indicate depression.
> I desperately need to change in one way or
> another in order to become a better partner. It's not
> fair of me to coast along like this in this
> comfortable little world of mine. I'm
> also afraid that one day I'll look back and see that
> life has passed me by. So where is my motivation???How much does your partner get involved with looking after the baby? I’ve heard that it’s common for the mother to take responsibility for everything (feeding, changing, structured play) and the father can feel left out. And some fathers don’t particularly want to change diapers… But I think if the father does a lot of childcare when he’s at home it can really bring couples closer together.
Also, it might be a good idea to go to the doctor to discuss the possibility that you could be suffering from depression. You might not be, but if you are, I think it’s quite important that you get it treated.It WILL get easier… it just takes a little while. But the most important thing is to enjoy this time as much as possible without feeling guilty about what you’re not getting done, because babies don’t stay small very long.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:588608
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/588701.html