Posted by jammerlich on September 11, 2005, at 16:07:00
I didn't want to hijack the crying thread above, but it got me to thinking. Do those of you who don't cry remember some defining moment where you learned that it wasn't an okay thing to do?
For me, whether or not it's ok seems to be linked to subject matter and the amount of power over me I think the people with me have. If it's about my childhood or my parents, the tears absolutely cannot fall. If I feel them starting to well up, terror comes over me and I just KNOW that horrible things will happen if I let them out. But if my husband so much as looks at me funny, I can be reduced to a puddle on the floor. And when I was in therapy, I cried over surface stuff all the time - until I started to feel dependent on my therapist. Then the terror and paralysis set in and I couldn't cry about anything.
And I'm pretty sure I know why. The father got angry that I cried when he hurt me and he finally told me he'd "give me a real reason to cry" if I did it again. Well, I did it again and he was true to his word. I never cried again after that. I thought I'd be able to write here what happened, but I don't think I can. One, because it's the thing I'm most ashamed of and two, because I'm starting to feel the "terror tears."
poster:jammerlich
thread:553815
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/553815.html