Posted by Racer on September 11, 2005, at 14:02:05
In reply to Crying?, posted by muffled on September 10, 2005, at 23:19:52
> I never cry at therapy. I don't cry. It shows weakness.
> I want to cry I think. Its supposed to be a good thing I hear.
> Anybody else the same?I swing both ways -- when I'm not crying in therapy, it's a good bet that I'm actively anorexic outside therapy. When I'm engulfed by huge, racking, choking sobs through most of each session, it's usually during a time that I'm eating more regularly.
For me, holding back tears -- yes, because they are a sign of weakness, of vulnerability -- goes along with trying very, very hard not to feel anything that would provoke tears. Holding my feelings in such tight confinement is only possible if I hold all other sensations in equally tight control, thus the starvation, the hyperactivity, etc. It all goes together with a lot of other symptoms.
When I cry in therapy, though, it feels so frightening! That's said as someone who can boost stock in Kleenex just by watching "Gone With The Wind" or "Anne of the Thousand Days!" Like Dorothy Parker, it can be said that I cry at Victorian costumes. In therapy, though, it's so frightening, it feels as though all my defenses are stripped away, and all that's left is the raw core of me, and my pain. I hate it.
And it helps me.
Mind you, it would help if I could cry like normal people, with the tears coming out of my eyes, rather than all running out my nose. I'm sure I'm terribly attractive with snot all over my face. A girlfriend gave me some good advice, though, for when that happens: "The only thing you can do at that point is take off your shoes and blow your nose on your socks." I have no idea what it means, but it helps.
Why does crying in therapy help me? It's partly because letting the feelings out in any way at all helps. Holding them inside just allows the poison to spread throughout my system. Catharsis is a good thing, and I know that it will moderate itself as I let go of more and more of the pain that's built up over the years. It also helps because the more I go through the horrible tears, the more I break down those defensive barricades, the more I experience those feelings without being destroyed, the more faith I have that I can survive my feelings.
For me, though, I know that having the right therapist is vital for getting anywhere -- and that crying is an outward sign of that. With a bunch of the therapists I've seen in recent times, I couldn't shed a tear to save my life. I couldn't feel anything that would lead to anything mroe than maybe a hiccough. Funny thing, during those periods I lost a few pounds... My current therapist is working out for me, and I'm pretty sure I've come close to flooding out her office. I know that the other day I finished off both boxes of tissue in her office, and she had to go get another box from the next room!
I don't know if any of htat helped you. It helped me to write it. I guess I can go to the same meetings as GG now. "Hello, my name is Racer, and I am a cryer..."
poster:Racer
thread:553529
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050901/msgs/553777.html