Posted by Shortelise on August 9, 2005, at 13:21:52
In reply to dream, posted by Shortelise on August 8, 2005, at 16:21:12
I know he is available to me, but I don't know when. (I've tried to see him for the last three weeks, since our last appointment but there was never time for me.)
When I felt I needed to see him - my time - he couldn't see me. So my time was wrong.The clocks show different times - I don't know if I have lots of time, or not much time left. (Oh, that gets me when I write it, gives me that pain in my bones.) I don't know if I am doing this termination thing right, like a good patient, or wrong, taking too much time. (That hurts to write, too).
Then the intense conversation. I am so absorbed in it, then he takes this photo. Maybe it's about him telling me how he sees me and how painful that is? He "points things out to me" about myself, and I hate it. I always have. I always feel ugly when he does it, criticised. I fight back and ruin other things? Like when I left his office time before last calling him a nasty little man? It injured what is between us?
The other photos on the roll are not of me. And in the dream, he unravels the film a little. Opening the back as I did only should have ruined part of the roll, but his fiddling probably exposed the whole role. I reached over and closed the camera and said, maybe it isn't all ruined.
So is he partially responsible? Do I see that he is also part of what is making things difficult?
I do blame him, I say it's his "fault", his doing, when in fact I feel it's mine. If I were a better patient, person, human, girl, woman, listener, etc etc etc, things would be different. If I just weren't me, it would be better.
Thanks, friends. You all really help.
SHortE
poster:Shortelise
thread:539230
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050801/msgs/539622.html