Posted by Notaliseliz on December 10, 2004, at 13:37:08
Hi guys, it's been a long time since I've been on and i've come to some realisations in this time.
i've finally admitted to myself and my husband that i abused 2 children on two different occasions when i was a child--once a 5 y/o girl when i was 12 and a 3 y/o boy when i was 13.
I'm female, and i've never had any desire to molest children since then and i'm in my mid 30s.
i'm tearing myself up over what i did, and i'm at the point of being suicidal because i can't stand the thought of having ruined anyone's life.
i have no memories of being abused, so why did i do it? if i wasn't abused prior to those incidents, then that means i had no reason for abusing those kids other than the fact that i'm evil. and what did i start? did they go on to do the same thing, and so on?i exhibit all signs of having been abused in my life--depression, self-mutilation, attempts at suicide, anxiety, problems in relationships (spec. i do not want to have sex with my husband, but would rather have sex with strangers who treat me poorly).my problem is i can't say i WAS abused because i don't remember it.
i did disappear when i was 5 for a day (about 15 hours or so) but i have no memory of what happened. my doc says since i don't remember every day of my life from when i was five, then why should i be upset if i don't remember that one? i think that's a bit of bull.i have a wonderful husband who is patient and kind but he has a hard time accepting my behaviour.
i have two wonderful girls who i have never touched in any way inapproprite, and i have never even entertained the thought of doing so.
I have an enormous fear of them being abused, so much that i have panic attacks if i leave them with a trusted babysitter.I need help and live in a country where it isn't readily available, and the language barrier is such that i have a hard time putting my thoughts into words.
I currently see a psych and take the equivalent of 20 mg of paxil a day, and it helps control my rages. without it i am a horrible, angry person.
my doc isn't what i would call helpful with my search for a therapist, with whom i can talk about my past. he believes the past is the past, let it lie.
i've tried for years and i'm dying inside.
i need help.
please, if anyone can direct me, please write.
i don't know what else to do.
i can't stop crying.
i don't know how to go on.
poster:Notaliseliz
thread:427284
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041210/msgs/427284.html