Posted by Karen_kay on February 3, 2004, at 16:06:28
In reply to {gets out a 2x4} Have I got your attention? » Karen_kay, posted by Racer on February 3, 2004, at 15:42:51
How??? You've convinced me (to a certain extent I suppose) but you didn't give me a step-by-step process of how to remove the blinkers. My boyfriend just came home and we spent some wonderful time together.
I do have some wonderful girlfriends that I love dearly, but I fear I don't enjoy them as much as they enjoy me (how conceited does that sound??)... Yes, I know I am a joy to talk to, but it seems to be a one-sided conversation. They pour out their feelings and I give advice, help them out any possible way I can, but I don't do the same. I can't. It's just not me.
I tried once to talk to my boyfriend about my mother, but he stopped me saying, "I don't want to have a negative image of your mother." Also, it doesn't help that the only "crazy" person he has in his family is an aunt with alzheimer's. It makes it hard to be able to talk to him when things get rough. And he is a Virgo, you know! So, he's very logical.
But, he's everything that I could ever put on a list for my "dream boat" So, why do I refuse to commit emotionally? Because I honestly think he doesn't want me to. He doesn't want the burden. No one does. I don't even want the burden of my emotions. My frequent mood swings. My black and white thinking. It's easier to stay aloof and not care than to trust and get hurt. Sure, I put on one heck of a song and dance and have a smile and witty jokes for everyone to laugh at. But,that's just the surface. I'm not always so nice and sweet. Or maybe I am and I'm jsut having negative thoughts? Why does this crap always have to be so confusing? I'm 24 and still don't know who I am and what's real. All the lying I do has bitten me in the butt. I've been lying to myself so long I don't even know the truth anymore.......
So, to start a new question.... (Please bear with me......) If you think you are nice and pretend you are nice does that really mean you are nice??? What I mean to say is.... Well, I'm not sure. But, I smile at strangers and wave. And I send thank you cards to people. And I donate blood. And I do nice things and expect nothing in return. But, does that really mean I' m nice or does it mean that I'm full of crap.. Because I still do bad things. And I know I'm human and stil make mistakes, blah blah blah... but is it all a show, like I'm an actress on some big stage and that's some sort of front I'm putting on for show..... Because I really feel like it....
poster:Karen_kay
thread:308879
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040131/msgs/308962.html