Posted by naiad on January 21, 2004, at 5:20:39
In reply to marital troubles and therapy angst, posted by lookdownfish on January 21, 2004, at 4:24:42
When I started therapy (10 months ago) I told my therpaist that even though my husband and I had experienced our ups and downs over the course of our marriage, it was strong. Shortly into the therapy process, I realized there were major problems that I had been ignoring/denying/submerging.
I continued to work on myself in therapy hoping to be able to fix myself but realized that what your therpaist recommended (doing both couples and individual therapy) was necessary.
So this past weekend my husband and I went to an Imago Workshop based on the work of Harville Hendrix. I highly recommend his book " Getting the Love You Want." The theory is that you are initially attracted to someone who reminds you of a childhood caretaker (usually parent) who has wounded you in some way. The good part is that the new love can then heal you as an adult. We learned lots of tools for communication, re-romantisizing, and others with the ultimate goal of transformation into a conscious relationship. I'm not explaining it very well but I really, really encourage you to look into the book and also Google Imago Couples Therapy.
I know how pervasively depressing a hurtful marriage relationship can be, not to mention the affect on my son. I was really nervous about asking my husband to do the workshop, so I wrote him a letter at Xmas and told him that it was a gift for us. I had to write the letter instead of ask him directly because I was afraid of my reaction to his reaction. If he even wrinkled his brow, I would have started an argument. By delivering the request in writing, I was much more able to control my meaning, staying positive and nonjudgmental. I could really stay in the "I" statements rather than the hurtful "you" place.
Its hard to get help. I have finally learned, though, that problems do not just go away.
Best of luck. Let me know how you are doing.
poster:naiad
thread:303590
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040116/msgs/303598.html