Posted by noa on May 21, 2003, at 18:50:47
In reply to Re: What Do You Do With Tranference Crunches? » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on May 19, 2003, at 11:51:56
This place is great. I mean there is really no where else I could discuss this kind of thing without people looking at me with head tilted and perplexed look on face.
My own experience is that some of the stuff I'm working on is so preverbal that it does come with these horrible, literally unspeakable, dreads, fears, panics about how destructive my feelings can be. I have experienced these feelings in sessions, and then am at such a loss for words in how to describe them, articulate them. They come from so down deep, and from such an all-encompassing, overwhelming earth-shattering dark power, and finding a way to say what it is I'm feeling has been a huge challenge. Over time, I and my therapist have found a vocabulary to use to describe and identify these feelings, but it was hard.
Some of it is about the belief that I am toxic to other people. That my needs are destructive and that my insatiability is destructive, and that my rage will destroy everything I come close to. That I am unlovable, disgusting, insatiable, toxic, and destructive to myself and everyone else.
I tend to withold my rage, not act it out, though. At least not toward my therapist. I have seen it slip out into little act-outs to strangers, poor hapless people that wander into the path of my rage! But these are still somewhat limited---I'm not in danger of fist fights or huge screaming matches, but I'm still not very proud of the rudeness or snideness, or snittiness, or general bitchiness that I can sometimes show.
But acted in or out, it sounds similar.
Yes, it is extremely hard work. Sounds like you have a good therapist.
poster:noa
thread:226804
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030407/msgs/228168.html