Posted by Ayesha on November 26, 2002, at 15:51:12
In reply to si and anger, posted by justyourlaugh on November 26, 2002, at 9:44:30
its something i've wanted to know and couldnt explain for a long time...why?
most of the times i've been able to pick up a knife and slice away at myself, obviously i was alone, and either angry or depressed. i get these urgings all the time but it was when my emotions were stretched that i could no longer bear them. (hope u don't mind me sharing this bit)
i'm lying on my bed reading or whatever and i start craving the whole blood, cutting sensation etc. so i try to resist it but it slowly gets worse, i actually start to feel like all the skin and flesh and blood and everything i'm made up of is just a wooden prison (and you thought ur post sounded silly...i feel like a right idiot) . i feel like i'm being held down. then i want to see my blood, which is wierd (and all the worse for me) because after i do it, i realise i have a problem with blood and i want to be sick. it really scares me i think i've even had nightmares about it. see i'm half a person with ambitions, a love for life and good-humoured, then i'm half full of anger and vengeance and particularly self-hatred. i don't understand y the two cant just merge my own mum says shes afraid to tell me something cos she don't know what mood i'm in and i might snap. i'm no harm to others but it hurts loved ones when i 'go off on one' and often declare i never want to speak to or hear from them again. i dunno sometimes i just feel like telling the whole world to just get out of my life and i know its me thats wrong but i just want to be away from people so badly. perhaps its because all 13 years of my school life i was bullied. i dunno
poster:Ayesha
thread:1650
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20021109/msgs/1685.html