Posted by mashogr8 on July 16, 2002, at 15:18:07
In reply to Re: can you weep forever without tears, posted by bookgurl99 on July 13, 2002, at 1:22:37
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.
Bookgurl, I had to laugh (thanks, it did make me feel a little more human) reading about your Bolivian experience. I've done that motherly nice guy thing before, knowing full well none of the other parens were going to let their daughters travel across the USA east to west in a 72 VW van. I was right and I was the hero parent(at least to my daughter). My daughter is now 23 and has travelled a lot withh us as a family and also with friends In Scotland (what a benign place to let some grow up while travlling) and in Outward Bound in Costa Rico as well as Peru and Bolivia. She's lived in the Michuacan State of Mexico with a college roommate for three months taking a coppersmithing course. This year's travels are different. When she left, all she knew were her plane reservations. That didnot include her return home date from Paraguay. It was too soon to book the flight. Her first stop isto the country of Kiribati in the South Pacific. She had an overnight in Fiji. Since she was arriving late, I asked where she planned to stay. She was going to find something when she got there, she said. As my Christmas present, I asked her to please book a hotel room and she did. What about Kiribati I asked. Oh the counntry is so small people wise, they never fill the 40 room hotel, she says. Riiiiight, I said. Because I was saving my birthday present card to play later on in case I needed to, I kept quiet. Sure enough, her email arrives and says"I landed last Thursday in Kiribati with the 15 Australian dollars daddy had left from his last trip to Australia to find out that the hotel WAS completely full and the banks were closed until next Tuesday because it was Independence Day and apparently they celebrate the event for several days. Apparently, as amny as can leave the other islands (I think there are about 30 in all) and go to the main island to celebrate." There she was alone in the midst of South Pacific languqage speaking strangers knowing nobody, no place to sleep and certainly not enough money to survive 5 days. Mom KNEW this would happen! Lucky for her, naturally and thankfully, she had an "encounter" with an Aussie who noticed her all alone. The Aussie asked where and why she was there. My brave daughter answers some of her questions with as much bravado as she could, telling her about the fellowship and her project. The Aussie tried troubleshooting with my dear and for the moment scared daughter re how she would get out of this dilemma. The Aussie noticed a Peace Crops van in the parking lot and ran around trying to find the volunteer driver. Turns out the PC van is hardly ever there, they just had to pick up another volunteer. The Aussie ran interference and the PC has been "caring for me, keeping me safe and showing me around the island" is how she worded it. Thank goodness for Clairol. I think I would have the whitest gray head around. Hopefully, she will think about booking a hotel for the first night, at least, when she travels to Mali. I think she will avoid dark alleys, I hope.
Talk about "tht bubble that young people have due to sheer self-reliance ( don't think it's really stupidity) and a lack of awareness. Everyhting has worked out before. Why shouldn't it work now?
My daughter's travels have only been a slight distraction from the awful feelings of sadness, frustration and even utter hopelessness that has been present even without the string of funerals and borken-hearted families lately. As far as the deaths go, you're right that I have had many good years where noone died except for an old schoolmate's parent until Sept 11. 'Round about Nov., Dec, things began to fall apart and by the end of January I barely made it into work and life has been basically unbearable since. My meds are and have been changed in an effort to find some relief with virtually no positive lasting results. I think often not of killing myself, but definitely wishing I were dead, that some car would burst on the scene as I cross the road, that some big tree would come crashing down as I walked through the glen, even a lightning strike.
Yesterday, I was at the huge mall for this area. I think I was driving on the fifth floor up (they number them funny 1, 1M, 2, 2m) and I passed a rather deserted section of the parking lot which faced the state highway. The fence was there but not that high. The huge neon letters identifying the Mall were just on the outside. I could climb out onto the letter D(I didn't see any security camera, but I didn't look that hard). The letter D would be the ultimate Dive where I could just dive straight down. The D was part of Providence. Certainly, Divine Providence would take care of me.(Should this go to Faith?)
alas, to a degree, I am still here dropping Lithium , increasing Celexa, staying with ritalin, cytomel and Wellbutrin. The downside of the dive which would mean no more dealing with meds, having to smile because I'm supposed to and anwereing why would you ever not be happy, my daughter would have to come home; the downside of not diving is I am still here! I think it would be infinitely easier to justify killing yourself when your children are young. It is less a burden than teenagers and young adults having to deal with it. I feel like killing myself, knowing I never can, my chance passed years ago. I could have done it. I made half an attempt and got really scared. The doctors and therapists back then said said "hold on, the medication would work in time. For me, right now, anyway, the point of being alive is to get through one day as fast as possible so the end day can show up as fast as it can.
I have found and this was actually why I originally posted that the meds I have been on have somehow eradicated the ability to cry, to weep real tears. Early on, when I was first depressed I cried all the time. I thought I would never stop. Ti was a real pain, but so much tension was released. That outlet is gone and has been for at least five or even more years. Often times, now, my eyes will feel drained as I have been crying but that is as close as I get. Sometimes I pretend to cry, wail, sob as if that will remind my brain how to function. It doesn't help and just sounds stupid, definitely not cathatic.Does any one have the same situation? Does anyone know how to resolve this? Have you figured out how to reverse this phenomena which my pdoc and neuorologist say for some strange reason that happens to some people. Is it because I've been taking meds for so long?
I'm sorry to have made this post so long and if you read this far, thanks. All that seems to be left is time. Right now, htat's not a lot to get excitd about.
Ma
poster:mashogr8
thread:569
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020702/msgs/656.html