Posted by mashogr8 on July 10, 2002, at 14:22:59
I just got home from my 8th funeral in less than a year. Two funerals were for an uncle, 90, who lived life to the fullest. The other was for a 67 year old man who had a wonderful family yet suffered terribly from the effectss of diabetes. Three wwere for parents of students at the school I work at and one was for a 44 year old cousin who just died in her sleep. Last July 13, an 8 year old student of mine died of bone cancer. This June 24, a 6 year old stludent of mine died when he tried to stop a lawn tractor from rolling down the hill and he was run over by the tractor. And today, I went to the funeral of the 18 year old brother of another one of my students..This young man was a Marine who was murdered by a disturbed National Guardsman who had followed him into a bathroom, hit the Marine on the head and then shot him in the back of the head. He took the Marine's car keys, ids and the Marine's car so he could drive thirty minutes away to kill his estranged wife who wasn't even there. Instead he shot her sister and then turned the gun on himself. This Marine was only minutes from his home. He had come home on the fourth of July to propose to his girlfriend who just graduated high school. Why, oh why, did that murderer have to be so angry that he had to kill the Marine? The funeral Mass was beautiful; his friends words were heartbreaking yet so loving. The sight of his Marine friends and the honor guard singing the Marine hymn at the gravesite was unbelievably hard to listen to.
My husband is trekking in Morocco and I said "good-bye" to my younger daughter yesterday at the airport as she leaves to fullfil the requirements of a fellowship which demands she leave US soil for one year. She is so lucky. I am sure she will come back safe yet scared for her. What will come her way? Sometimes you cant even go to the bathroom without harm befalling you. Hopefully, only good things. She too is a little wiser since the murder. Like she says, "All he wanted was to go to the bathroom!" I suppose the message that is here is perhaps she will be more aware of her surroundings especially since she is unaware of cultures, nor does she know the language.
I am having a very difficult these last seven months with living and coping and trying to mix up medicines to get rid of the pit I have dropped into. If I don't consciously think about being real or here, I fear that my skin will shed and I will melt like the wicked witch in the Wizard of OZ. The fluids will all drain off and that will be my end.
Because of mediction that I've taken over the last twenty years, I find that I no longer have the ability to cry. There is such passion, desoerauib and relief in crying that I can not avail myself of any cathartic release.
Sometimes I scream in the car. Did you know if you scream with an "argh" sound you get a wicked sore throat. If you scream with an "eeee" sound you get a headache. There is NO substitute for real tears. I have needed them this year and I really need them now. Can you weep forever without tears and how can you survive since all expect you to?
I'm afraid this is long. If you read it, thank you.Ma
poster:mashogr8
thread:569
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020702/msgs/569.html