Posted by soulnik on May 24, 2005, at 21:50:32 [reposted on May 28, 2005, at 13:21:23 | original URL]
In reply to on materialism. (my own.), posted by ghost on May 24, 2005, at 18:58:27
Ghost,
Thank you so much for sharing this piece of yourself with me.
I feel sort of like Jekyll and Hyde when it comes to my appearance. I have this one part of myself that can look at me and think, "Damn your cute!" Then I have this other part that only sees how fat I am - every roll, every pucker of cellulite, every mark, every part of me that isn't perfect. And that part of me is always comparing myself to other people. That's the part of me that can't talk to men and won't go out and wears clothes that don't fit right. The other part of me, the part that thinks I'm cute, only gets to control things when I drink or get high or on some other rare occasion that she wins the battle in my brain.
And it's so messed up because I have people tell me all the time how pretty I am but the part of me that can see it is so detached from the part of me that actually lives my life. Plus, I always think that when people say I am pretty, they're really saying, "You have such a pretty face. Too bad you're such a fat pig."
I liked the idea of online dating for awhile. I thought it would be great to get to know someone for who they really are and THEN meet and deal with the visuals. But it always ended up being too much stress and fear and every single one of my insecurities worked against me. Or, even better, the people I met online misrepresented themselves.
Now, I don't feel hopeful at all about ever meeting anyone. I love that you still have hope. Maybe you can hope for both of us. I don't think there's anyone out there and if there is, I'd have to be someone else to find them. I hate myself. MAN!!! COULD I BE ANYMORE OF A BUMMER?
Soulnik
poster:soulnik
thread:504183
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20041230/msgs/504192.html