Posted by violette on July 7, 2010, at 2:16:57
In reply to Re: what's deemed civil or uncivil, posted by Dr. Bob on July 6, 2010, at 11:36:21
I'm glad you have the integrity to state you may have potential bias (who doesn't?).
Without going into specific 'traits' - it seems you tend to be a bit dismissive of more covert uncivility. I had seen it quite a few times on this forum, yet, it seems to me that you may be unaware of it or its implications.
While attributing negative traits to 'objects' is considered uncivil, (Effexor is poison) your perception of uncivility does not encompass covert uncivility that hurts actual 'people. The Effexor was not 'hurt'. Yet, when a person is directly hurt, you overlook it because you do not 'see' why. I think some of us over-perceiving, sensitives sense this; while someone who may have not had the background to develop that sense might not see it (or understand its implications).
I also think if a poster's intent is to be helpful, generally you would not have to worry about linguistical ideosyncracities of syntax as they will be more naturally interlaced with your words and thus, will be well taken whether or not the recipient agrees with what you said.
This is from some random place, but after experiencing this and 10 plus years of reading about it, it's a good synthesis which provides examples of covert uncivilty:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/3724789-covert-emotional-abuser-long
also
http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/why_psychological_abuse_is_called_gaslighting
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/sensitivity/
I wouldn't call anyone here an 'abuser'; however, the patterns of emotional abuse-laden language is very easy to detect if you have been exposed to it enough. It is common and predictable; but difficult to detect for those who have not had the experience.
This does not neceassirly mean that those who write a certain way are abusers; but when others react in certain ways, such as feeling belittled, that could indicate that the writer was using that tone-perhaps unknowingly. And, from my experience, if a sensitive someone's reaction ends up being evidently hurt, they are probably reacting to uncivil intent--or language written that way-rather than being 'too sensitive'.
You do not notice this--and this is not a safe place for those who do. I have been thru every type of abuse, and this kind-by far-is the most damaging when it comes to personal relationships. Relationships on a forum don't capture that damage, but allowing it to happen here can hurt people when it is overlooked or dismissed by adminstration.
poster:violette
thread:953266
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20100321/msgs/953583.html