Posted by Dinah on October 27, 2004, at 8:54:35
In reply to Why do Lou Pilder's posts upset so many people?, posted by SLS on October 26, 2004, at 18:19:04
I've given this a great deal of thought. As you may know, I have long been a friend of Lou's, but I also understand some of the reaction.
I think the problem comes from the fact that people in general rarely ask for determination from posts they find laudable, acceptable, or even merely not objectionable. Therefore the fact that a request for determination or review is being made is an implication, objectively, that the requestor does not find the post laudable, acceptable, or even not objectionable. As someone who takes criticism very poorly, I can certainly understand that that can hurt. Even if I know objectively that my post didn't violate guidelines, even if I know that Dr. Bob won't act on the request, even if I know that many posts are presented for determination and that it's really nothing personal, having a post implicitly criticized publicly can hurt. Boy, do I know that. I've had my posts misinterpreted on occasion, and even not misinterpreted on occasion, and held up to criticism. And even though it's never been a direct violation of the civility guidelines, it still hurts and shames me. No one likes to be hurt or shamed.
Yet Lou has done nothing wrong under the civility guidelines. Admin was put here for this sort of thing, to keep it from the other boards. I have asked Dr. Bob to review posts that I found hurtful on occasion. And on occasion he has declined to find them in violation of the civility guidelines and I've argued the point. So I've done exactly the same thing. As I get more experience with the board, I often choose to email my concerns, rather than post them, but I do post them on occasion, and that is certainly acceptable under the civility guidelines and stated purpose of this board.
I have thought and thought and I can think of no way at all to help this situation.
If I had my druthers, I'd hope that everyone could acknowledge that Lou has a greater need than most of us for precision in posts, and a greater eye for detail and implied messages. And that we could just let Dr. Bob respond to the messages, realize they aren't particularly personal, and leave the dialog to Dr. Bob and Lou. Yet if it were my message, if my post was the subject of a determination request, particularly in my case for areas that would hurt me extra hard like anti-semitism or unkindness or if I were feeling particularly vulnerable, I think that would be very difficult for me.
It saddens me greatly. I think Lou is missing out on some great people and some great support on Babble. I would wish for him what I've found here. I would wish for him that he would keep the lines of communication with posters I know to be pretty terrific open, understanding that although sometimes someone can mean well and feel disposed kindly toward someone, their words can still sting a bit. And that part of friendship is trusting that the other person meant no harm, or maybe meant some good. Lou, this is one of those times. I hope nothing I said had any sting to you, but if it did, I hope that you can keep our overall relationship in your mind, realize that I mean only the best for you, and keep the lines of communication open. Anything I've said has as much caring and concern for you behind it as it has caring and concern for other posters.
And the board is missing out on something special too. I value Lou's wisdom and quiet humor, and wish that he felt free to share it with others.
As I said, I see no way to help anything here. Perhaps if Lou started posting messages of support on other boards, the other posters could have more of a chance to see the terrific things in Lou that I see. Perhaps posters could try to leave the dialog between Dr. Bob and Lou, although again I realize how difficult that can be. Or perhaps we could all ask Dr. Bob for a review of posts that we find laudable, acceptable, or totally unobjectionable. That way when a request for a review comes up, we wouldnt' feel it was an implicit criticism. We could conduct our own desensitization. If Dr. Bob has no objections, of course. :) It wouldn't be that much extra trouble, Dr. Bob. If you read Admin first, the post should pop up as already having been read on your review of the rest of the boards, so you wouldn't have any extra work.
poster:Dinah
thread:407621
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20041027/msgs/407842.html