Posted by llrrrpp on May 15, 2006, at 17:43:27
In reply to Re: Is there a difference? Suicide and just wishing? » willyee, posted by curtm on May 15, 2006, at 15:48:03
For many weeks recently I wished I were dead, and I didn't care about myself to take care of things that were usually important to me. I wasn't eating or exercising, and so I wasn't taking care of my body. I didn't have specific plans, but on multiple occasions, I would be walking around town, and I would cross an intersection without looking. I didn't care if someone hit me. My attention was so focused on my own pain that I didn't want to process any external events like traffic. I didn't want to, and I so I ignored it. Neglect, in the worst way. Suicidal ideation- yes. I had fantasies about sharp and harmful things. I sent my T an e-mail that I was really worried about myself, and he saw me the next day, and set me up an appt. with p-doc to get my neurotransmitters tinkered with. He told me at the beginning of the session that I wasn't going to be hospitalized, if that's what I was afraid of.
It was such a relief to talk to someone about the thoughts that were popping into my head, over which I felt so little control. My fears that I might step over the line between fantasy, and act on the ideations (if I hadn't already) were really diminshed by talking about the whole street-crossing thing to figure out what category of fantasy vs. action that fell under. This is not the kind of conversation that you can have with anyone else, because people who love you will probably either over-react or dismiss your fears and concerns about your well-being.
Suicide is such a taboo topic, and so distressing all by itself, (without even taking the underlying psychological disorder into account) that failing to talk about it might inflict further harm to one's delicate mental health. Just talking openly and honestly can really help you and your T/pdoc figure out what to do, and hopefully bring some measure of relief to dark times.
poster:llrrrpp
thread:644123
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060515/msgs/644381.html