Posted by Meri-Tuuli on April 5, 2006, at 7:26:15
In reply to Re: Recovery is complicated » Declan, posted by pseudoname on April 4, 2006, at 15:02:20
Poo, I wrote a long post but somehow managed to lose it!! I hate it when that happens!!
Anyway the crux of it was that I am in a similar position to you. I have always had problems being motivated, it takes me ages to do anything, and I always leave everything to the last minute and use the stress and panic to get something done which isn't good.
Its like we have lost the capcity to experience satisfaction from doing something. Something that doesn't light up in our brains. Its interesting to say that you might be hypersensitive to criticism and its related to your upbringing. I know for me, it is defintately related to upbringing -- my mother would never be happy with my actions, if I like cleaned the house to try and please her, she would never appreciate it, she expected it ("you missed abit over there, why can't you do anything properly?"). Maybe this alters our brain chemistry or our reward pathways or something, because we have come to learn not to expect anything good to happen if we do something, so when we do something, the bits in the brain that light up and give us satisfaction don't bother anymore. So we become unmotivated, because we don't *expect* anything good to happen, and then, even if we do somehthing, anyway, nothing will happen because our reward pathways are alterned. So it enforces itself.....and we become completely unmotivated and it spirals down.
And then possibly we become involved in drugs/alcohol/over eating etc, because thats an artifical way to stimulant our reward pathways.....I know I only drink wine in the evenings because it makes me feel better!!!
Phew! I hope that makes sense.....who knows anyway!! Kind regards
Meri
> Hey, Declan!
>
> > but I had thought, and must be wrong I guess, that you had stopped bupe...
>
> You're remembering pretty good. I developed anxiety attacks / trouble breathing in January and my GP told me to stop taking the buprenorphine. He thought it might be the cause. But the breathing problems were purely psychological, related to the reduced depression. Sort of like “Yikes! NOW what should I do?!” After almost 2 weeks off bupe, I went back on it, although at a reduced dose, now about 0.5mg 2x / day. Bupe has worked remarkably for me, where nothing else has, but it doesn't seem to hit every aspect of my depression.
>
> > I am though quite sure that the old APs would be worse than useless for you.
>
> That's sort of a relief to read. I thought I read that APs combat “amotivational syndrome” in pot smokers, but Googling for that just now I think I must've mis-read it.
>
> > Is it just like having no enthusiasm?
>
> There's no enthusiasm, which is okay… I'm a little wary of enthusiasm sometimes. But there's also zero reward feeling when I'm done. No expectation of satisfaction or feeling, “Ah, that's better now.” My pdoc thinks I'm hyper-afraid of criticism (which would make sense, given my upbringing).
>
> I must really want to do this stuff, or why would not-doing it bother me so?
>
> I hope that I'm just struggling here with the mental/behavioral barnacles of more than 20 years of depression and social withdrawal and that an additional med won't be needed.
>
> > Some kind of protest, maybe.
>
> I think resentment plays a huge role in my life. I'm prone to hold grudges forever. NOT very productive.
>
> Even when I'm getting better, it's all so complicated to sort through. Thanks, Dec.
poster:Meri-Tuuli
thread:628681
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060403/msgs/629101.html