Posted by Racer on January 17, 2004, at 21:49:06
In reply to Re: being a victim » Racer, posted by judy1 on January 17, 2004, at 11:39:21
> do you think mannerisms and one's physical bearing attract rapists? I'm not talking about provacative dress, but some kind of aura that an abuse victim emanates? I'm trying to understand that.
Yes, I do think that mannerisms and physical bearing attracts predators. I will tell you about being attacked on the street as a teenager, because it's a perfect illustration of what I mean. Let me give a little background, so that you get a fuller picture.
I was 13, home life was terrible, and my mother signed us up for counseling at the local med school psych program. At the time, she had a boyfriend, whom she had just asked to move out after I reported to her that he molested me. This was after years of him being emotionally abusive to both of us, and I'd finally learned to let his remarks slide off me without showing any response. That was the point at which he turned physical. Enough said about how I learned to be passive? (And while he moved out, he kept the keys. I don't know to this day if my mother knew he was coming into our home during the day when she was at work.)
Anyway, one day, on the way to my individual appointment with the counselor, I was standing on a crowded bus. The young man behind me grabbed my butt. I didn't do anything about it, which I now know was my mistake. "Gee, he couldn't have *meant* to touch my butt, I must be imagining it (just like I imagined being molested, you know) and it was just an accidental brush, not a grope." He followed me up the street, about half a block later he grabbed me suddenly. I was very fortunate, because a man was walking three large, imposing dogs nearby, and released them when he saw the young man jump me. The dogs chased the guy, who got away.
There were other times when I was bothered on the bus, including a real sicko middle aged guy who used to stand right behind me, with one hand on either side of mine on the overhead bar, with his limp little whoo-ha pressed up against me. I never made a sound, pretending that it was just the only way he could stand on the moving bus.
What do I know now that I didn't know then? I now know that my fear of embarrassment and exposure left me vulnerable to these predators, and they took advantage of it knowingly. That first grope on the bus for the young man, the first rub up against me by the older, those were enough evidence for each to conclude I would be easy prey.
Now, back to my favorite subject of this: a study was done with hyenas a while back. We all know the theory that predators go for the sick and weak, culling the wild herds. What is it that attracts their attention? Well, it turns out that difference is all it takes. Some researchers painted spots on some gazelles, and those animals with spots painted on them were the targets of hyena attacks every time. Almost any difference can cause an animal to become 'prey' to a predator. Did you know that horses prefer other horses to be certain colors? Herd heirarchy is largely color based, with greys and paints at the bottom of the pecking order in almost every case. The closer a horse is to the "basic horse" color, called dun, the higher its likely to be in a herd. By anything that sets us apart, we call attention to ourselves. Even something as simple as an unwillingness to make eye contact in casual situations, like on a bus, is enough to mark us.
So, yes, I do think random acts of violence can be more common against people with depression and other mental illnesses than in the general population. And I think it's a direct cause and effect relationship.
> BTW, I find you very clear- has someone else said something to you? being bipolar, I possess a computer brain when manic so that when I'm 'normal' I feel like my mind is in slow mo. is that how you're feeling?
> take care, judy
>Nobody has said anything to me. This is my own perception, which isn't passing my own tests. For example, my beloved cat has been sick recently. He lost a lot of weight, suddenly, and began drinking excessively, and peeing excessively. Classic symptoms of diabetes, right? Heck, my husband is diabetic, I should recognize it right off, right? Nope, not a clue. I looked at him and thought he was dying, figured it had to be kidney disease. Well, it did turn out to be kidney disease, so I wasn't wrong with my fears, but the fact that something as simple as diabetes, especially combined with his earlier weight problems and elevated blood glucose on an earlier test at the vet's -- let's just say I expect better from myself.
Another example is an email from my aunt. One of those, "Add together the first three digits of your telephone number, multiply by, divide by, subtract, etc" things, that went through a half dozen steps to give you your telephone number. Usually it's a quick calc, and I can tell you how and why it works. This one took me a couple of hours, and it's as simple as could be.
Also, when talking to people or writing, I can't seem to hold onto thoughts long enough to express them, finish sentences, etc. And my typing has gone to Hades, having to backspace much more often than usual. Generalized Not Thinking Clearly, that's the name I'm giving my new syndrome. Like it?
So, there are some answers from the misty regions of my mind. Great question, by the way, and one I think more of us should be exploring.
poster:Racer
thread:301094
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20031122/msgs/302149.html