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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by zoloft_survivor on July 22, 2005, at 21:52:01
I apologize in advance for what may turn out to be a long post, I'll try to keep it as short as I can.
I took Zoloft for over 11 years. If I had only known how utterly addictive it would be, that coming off it would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I grieve for the naive 25 year old who trusted the doctor telling her she should take this medication for the rest of her life, and all would be solved. He wasn't even a psychiatrist. He was a cardiologist with an interest in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which was what was initally thought to be my problem. My "problem" was depression and anxiety, I can clearly see that now.
I tried to come off Zoloft probably 6 or more times during the 11 years I took it. Each time I became a hysterical wreck. I lost friends with angry outbursts, ruined relationships, and always crawled back on the Zoloft for relief.
This time I stuck it out, weaning down ever so slowly over 8 months, from 150mg to zero. I became a horrible person. I lost friends, people didn't want to know who I became. I isolated myself rather than keep going through loss. The last year has been a nightmare, but I stuck it out.
Underneath the medication, I discovered, was a very angry little girl, still fighting the injustices of a violent and abusive childhood. The Zoloft was a sticking plaster under which my anger bubbled and festered, occasionally bursting out, but I didn't know it was there. My anger was allowed to slowly grow over 11 years, like a hidden tumor.
So not only have I dealt with coming off medication after 11 years, but I am now dealing with 11 years of acculmulated, unchecked anger.
Almost 5 months after managing to get off this stuff, I am wondering why I am living without it, why I am doing this to myself. Of course, I know in my heart that it is time for me to wrestle with and slay the demons that cause my depression. But the day to day reality of this is rollercoaster moods, and a generally depressed feeling all the time. But I wonder, is this "generally depressed" feeling...actually me? I think that it is. I have just been so used to existing in a medicated state, I don't know who I am anymore.
I get up, I try to exercise if I can motivate myself, I go about my day, but my thoughts drive me crazy. So angry and obsessive. I am sure these thoughts were there all those years, I just couldn't hear them.
I'm not sure if anyone will have any answers, but I am glad to find a message board where like minded folks write about the same purpose. SO many sources of support are geared towards coping with taking medication, or advocate taking it. Our society today is so over-medicated, that choosing to battle depression rather than medicate it feels like an outlaw choice.
Thanks for listening, and I would be so grateful to hear any insights and experiences.
Posted by Sgt.207 on July 23, 2005, at 12:35:48
In reply to 5 Months Zoloft Free - ANY Support Appreciated, posted by zoloft_survivor on July 22, 2005, at 21:52:01
Congrats on getting off of it. I tried 2 years ago after being on it for 5 years and went through 2 months of hell before going back on. I weaned off very slow from 25mg's down to 2 before quiting. I had to re-start and went up to 6 mg's and now I am back down to 2. Gearing up to stop again.
Hang in there -
Posted by SLS on July 27, 2005, at 7:02:43
In reply to Re: 5 Months Zoloft Free - ANY Support Appreciated, posted by Sgt.207 on July 23, 2005, at 12:35:48
> I had to re-start and went up to 6 mg's and now I am back down to 2. Gearing up to stop again.
Good luck. Hopefully, you are already low enough in dosage that you are ready to stop taking the drug completely.
For me, I have found that once you get down to the very lowest dosages, you can use the drug like aspirin for a headache. Take very small amounts only when the withdrawal symptoms appear. It speeds up the process and prevents suffering. You first establish what is the smallest dose necessary to last 6-8 hours without symptoms and taper from there. You dose several times a day, reducing the size of the dose when the symptom-free period lasts for longer than 8 hours. You stop taking the drug entirely when you reach the point where the smallest doses no longer last for 4-6 hours before symptoms reappear. That is a very abbreviated explanation. If you find yourself suffering more than you expected or can tolerate, check out my previous posts regarding the "flexible-dose" strategy.
I have a feeling that you won't need to use this strategy, though. You have already done such a good job reaching 2.0mg
Again, good luck.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on July 27, 2005, at 7:45:45
In reply to 5 Months Zoloft Free - ANY Support Appreciated, posted by zoloft_survivor on July 22, 2005, at 21:52:01
> I took Zoloft for over 11 years. If I had only known how utterly addictive it would be, that coming off it would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
> I grieve for the naive 25 year old who trusted the doctor telling her she should take this medication for the rest of her life, and all would be solved.Why do you think the doctor commented that you would need to be on medication for the rest of your life? What was it about your case that you feel he thought would require this.
> My "problem" was depression and anxiety, I can clearly see that now.
Regardless of the was doctor's clinical reasoning, I think he did the right thing, although to say that you *must* take medication for the rest of your life might have been premature.
> I tried to come off Zoloft probably 6 or more times during the 11 years I took it. Each time I became a hysterical wreck. I lost friends with angry outbursts, ruined relationships, and always crawled back on the Zoloft for relief.Without being aware of the strategies that exist to withdraw from these medications successfully and without suffering, many people do fail to discontinue them.
> This time I stuck it out, weaning down ever so slowly over 8 months, from 150mg to zero.
My belief is that if done properly, a taper should take no longer than 4 weeks. Many psychiatrists do not pay enough attention to withdrawal symptoms or respect their severity enough to develop viable strategies to discontinue drugs like Zoloft.
> I became a horrible person.
How so?
> I lost friends, people didn't want to know who I became. I isolated myself rather than keep going through loss. The last year has been a nightmare, but I stuck it out.
What was it exactly about you that caused you to lose friends and isolate?
Depression can do exactly what you described.
> Underneath the medication, I discovered, was a very angry little girl, still fighting the injustices of a violent and abusive childhood.Medication cannot take away real experiences and their consequences. Real issues remain even after a medication successfully reregulates a brain that has been stuck in a biologically depressive state.
> The Zoloft was a sticking plaster under which my anger bubbled and festered, occasionally bursting out, but I didn't know it was there. My anger was allowed to slowly grow over 11 years, like a hidden tumor.
Obviously, you should be considering a psychotherapeutic modality to work through the issues that you now feel able to identify.
> So not only have I dealt with coming off medication after 11 years, but I am now dealing with 11 years of acculmulated, unchecked anger.From your explanation, it seems that the psychosocial stresses that contributed to the onset of your depression started in childhood, and not at age 23. It is entirely possible that Zoloft produced a remission of the biological depression that allowed you to ignore past experiences and neglect to process them psychologically. Without the biological depression, and despite the unresolved issues, you were able to function reasonably well.
I think you experienced a return of the biological depression soon after having tapered and discontinued the Zoloft, and that within your current depressive state, you are more apt to think negatively and focus on those aspects of your life that contributed to the depression in the first place. Although the cardiologist might not be board certified in psychiatry, his interests in CFS and psychiatry might have yielded for you an accurate diagnosis and a justified recommendation for continued long-term treatment. You might have a biological predisposition for clinical major depressive disorder (MDD) that now needs continued management.
> Almost 5 months after managing to get off this stuff, I am wondering why I am living without it, why I am doing this to myself. Of course, I know in my heart that it is time for me to wrestle with and slay the demons that cause my depression. But the day to day reality of this is rollercoaster moods, and a generally depressed feeling all the time. But I wonder, is this "generally depressed" feeling...actually me? I think that it is. I have just been so used to existing in a medicated state, I don't know who I am anymore.
I doubt very much you would jump right back on an antidepressant because I said your doctor might have been right. However, I do suggest to you very strongly that you seek professional help in resolving your "demons" and revisit your childhood issues. In addition, I would recommend that you consider the possibility that, despite psychotherapy, your depression might remain a biological issue, and that this biological issue must be addressed medically. *IF* you do have a biological depression, working through psychological issues is extrememly difficult and might not make you feel any better. *IF* the depression continues unmitigated despite months or years of psychotherapy, you might have proven your need for medication. *IF* you do need medication, I hope you don't wait any longer than is necessary to treat it. *IF* you become suspicious that you do indeed need biological treatment, I recommend that you do seek out a true psychiatrist.
So far, your depression has lasted 5 months after discontinuing Zoloft. If you are counting months or years, that's the starting point.
The bottom line is that SLS believes there is a high probability that you have a chronic biological mood disorder that needs to be treated biologically long-term, and that to be brought into a state of remission with medication will make dealing with your psychosocial issues that began in childhood much easier to work through. For you, medication + psychotherapy will be your best approach to create a happy and rewarding life for yourself.
SLS is often wrong!
Listen to your mental health professionals.
Be a depression_survivor.
Good luck.
- Scott
This is the end of the thread.
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