Posted by zoloft_survivor on July 22, 2005, at 21:52:01
I apologize in advance for what may turn out to be a long post, I'll try to keep it as short as I can.
I took Zoloft for over 11 years. If I had only known how utterly addictive it would be, that coming off it would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I grieve for the naive 25 year old who trusted the doctor telling her she should take this medication for the rest of her life, and all would be solved. He wasn't even a psychiatrist. He was a cardiologist with an interest in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which was what was initally thought to be my problem. My "problem" was depression and anxiety, I can clearly see that now.
I tried to come off Zoloft probably 6 or more times during the 11 years I took it. Each time I became a hysterical wreck. I lost friends with angry outbursts, ruined relationships, and always crawled back on the Zoloft for relief.
This time I stuck it out, weaning down ever so slowly over 8 months, from 150mg to zero. I became a horrible person. I lost friends, people didn't want to know who I became. I isolated myself rather than keep going through loss. The last year has been a nightmare, but I stuck it out.
Underneath the medication, I discovered, was a very angry little girl, still fighting the injustices of a violent and abusive childhood. The Zoloft was a sticking plaster under which my anger bubbled and festered, occasionally bursting out, but I didn't know it was there. My anger was allowed to slowly grow over 11 years, like a hidden tumor.
So not only have I dealt with coming off medication after 11 years, but I am now dealing with 11 years of acculmulated, unchecked anger.
Almost 5 months after managing to get off this stuff, I am wondering why I am living without it, why I am doing this to myself. Of course, I know in my heart that it is time for me to wrestle with and slay the demons that cause my depression. But the day to day reality of this is rollercoaster moods, and a generally depressed feeling all the time. But I wonder, is this "generally depressed" feeling...actually me? I think that it is. I have just been so used to existing in a medicated state, I don't know who I am anymore.
I get up, I try to exercise if I can motivate myself, I go about my day, but my thoughts drive me crazy. So angry and obsessive. I am sure these thoughts were there all those years, I just couldn't hear them.
I'm not sure if anyone will have any answers, but I am glad to find a message board where like minded folks write about the same purpose. SO many sources of support are geared towards coping with taking medication, or advocate taking it. Our society today is so over-medicated, that choosing to battle depression rather than medicate it feels like an outlaw choice.
Thanks for listening, and I would be so grateful to hear any insights and experiences.
poster:zoloft_survivor
thread:531918
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/wdrawl/20050712/msgs/531918.html