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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by SLS on September 2, 2013, at 15:21:47
In reply to Nowhere else to put the words, posted by Partlycloudy on September 2, 2013, at 14:34:55
> I know what the right thing to do is. I am so scared to take a first step.
It seems to me that you already have.
I wish you luck as you continue your journey. I hope happiness is not so elusive for you in the future.
- Scott
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 2, 2013, at 15:35:15
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » Partlycloudy, posted by SLS on September 2, 2013, at 15:21:47
Thanks, Scott. At this point I honestly feel I would be better off living a meager life on my own.
I am the only crazy person I can handle. And my sister. She is only neurotic and set in her ways.PC
Posted by sigismund on September 2, 2013, at 17:09:08
In reply to Nowhere else to put the words, posted by Partlycloudy on September 2, 2013, at 14:34:55
>he finds a reason to follow me.
It's odd. He gives you your mail in the shower and follows you room to room, but does not take your distress seriously enough (in counselling anyway).
No respect for personal boundaries?
You don't sound as if you want to be with him.
And he does not sound as if he wants to try?
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 2, 2013, at 17:45:58
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » Partlycloudy, posted by sigismund on September 2, 2013, at 17:09:08
No, Sig. In our marriage counseling, he acknowledged that conversing and talking to me about domestic tasks while I was in the shower was inappropriate. He does not have the same boundaries for himself, but I find it terribly distressing.
As he has, one by one, dropped one agreement after after another since stopping his own therapy (he said they were "just about done") the very behaviours that led me to plead for counseling have returned.
My boundaries are all but unrecognized now. Today I told him I would probably text him every day while I was gone. He was shocked. "No phone calls? I always call you when I am traveling!"
"No," I replied, "This trip is to give me some time away from you."
He has no close relationship with any of his children, now. They are estranged. He flew his mother out to live with his brother on the West Coast when she ran out of money for care, because the brother could not come up with half the money to keep her where she was.
He didn't discuss it with his mum.
He has no friends and derides every single friend I have made since knowing him. They are all "crazy".My therapist thinks he might be making my mental state of health worse than it would be without him.
I'm upset that the changes in behaviour were cosmetic, and not well intentioned. I don't think he is capable of compassion for others, really.
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 2, 2013, at 19:51:58
In reply to Nowhere else to put the words, posted by Partlycloudy on September 2, 2013, at 14:34:55
Ultimately, I hope that this is an enormous PTSD trigger from having our kitchen remodeled. It's a long, invasive process, and our open-plan first floor is uninhabitable during the day while the guys are working. Their taste in music is dubious, but most importantly, it's reduced my areas of privacy to the top floor.
So I am going from room to room upstairs, trying to find quiet and peace in a place where it doesn't exsist.
My husband work from the house in a room built out from the garage, and he is pretty much chasing me from room to room.
I'm willing to let the project finish, reassess, before I take any drastic actions. I am so torn. Just basically miserable right now.
PC
Posted by Moishe Pipik on September 3, 2013, at 16:30:03
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » sigismund, posted by Partlycloudy on September 2, 2013, at 17:45:58
PC, I can empathise about the temporary effects of counseling, as I was there many years ago. The therapist introduced us to Harville Hendrix, and I was really impressed with his theories, recommendations, etc.. I don't even think my ex even bothered to finish reading "Getting the Love You Want". We'd have a counseling session, agree on some strategies, and then she'd just kinda forget all about it. We had been together almost 30 years, but we didn't last much longer.
Interestingly, the Hendrix stuff has been really beneficial in my second marriage, now over 8 years.
I hope you and your husband can peacefully figure out what's best.
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2013, at 19:47:55
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words, posted by Moishe Pipik on September 3, 2013, at 16:30:03
Thanks. I have taken myself away for a couple of days with my sister. No TV, no construction, and a husband who misses me already.
I really am hoping that if the house is back to normal, we have a better chance of working through this. I am just too wound up to be making big decisions like this right now.
Which sounds pretty sensible, if I say so myself.
Thank you so much.
PC
Posted by SLS on September 3, 2013, at 20:33:26
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » Moishe Pipik, posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2013, at 19:47:55
> I really am hoping that if the house is back to normal, we have a better chance of working through this. I am just too wound up to be making big decisions like this right now.
>
> Which sounds pretty sensible, if I say so myself.:-)
- Scott
Posted by johnLA on September 3, 2013, at 23:08:41
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words, posted by SLS on September 3, 2013, at 20:33:26
good to see you scott...
i opened my big mouth about you 'taking a break' and a little bit of hell broke-out. lol
learned my lesson. don't about other people when they are not around. ;)
john
Posted by SLS on September 4, 2013, at 5:59:36
In reply to sls :), posted by johnLA on September 3, 2013, at 23:08:41
> good to see you scott...
>
> i opened my big mouth about you 'taking a break' and a little bit of hell broke-out. lol
>
> learned my lesson. don't about other people when they are not around. ;)
>
> john
Hi John.I guess I was taking a break of sorts from posting, although I have lurked. Things are a bit confusing for me right now, and I have been trialing different MAOIs to evaluate. I found myself posting less because:
1. I was feeling out of sorts during treatment changes.
2. I took a brief vacation to visit local points of interest.
3. I lost interest in posting during an outbreak of what I perceived to be negativistic posting.For awhile, I contemplated staying away from Psycho-Babble for an extended period of time. One such time lasted for 1½ years. However, when I saw PartlyCloudy's post, I couldn't help but to react to it.
I don't know if I will post more or post less at this time. I take each day as it comes.
:-) - right back at ya'.
- Scott
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 4, 2013, at 9:03:57
In reply to Re: sls :) » johnLA, posted by SLS on September 4, 2013, at 5:59:36
Thank you, Scott. It has definitely been a hard time. I feel much better having decided to give my husband the same generosity I have extended to myself. He is under as under as much pressure as I, if not more.
PC
Posted by johnLA on September 4, 2013, at 13:46:43
In reply to Re: sls :) » johnLA, posted by SLS on September 4, 2013, at 5:59:36
no tahiti then? he-he
i was really hoping you were on some tropical island getting a massage on a beach w/a nice drink in your hand...
regardless. like i said, really good to see you again here.
i can understand your reasons completely for bailing a bit. one day at a time sounds like a good approach.
take care scott.
john
Posted by johnLA on September 4, 2013, at 13:47:40
In reply to Nowhere else to put the words, posted by Partlycloudy on September 2, 2013, at 14:34:55
Posted by Poet on September 4, 2013, at 15:36:54
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » Moishe Pipik, posted by Partlycloudy on September 3, 2013, at 19:47:55
> I really am hoping that if the house is back to normal, we have a better chance of working through this. I am just too wound up to be making big decisions like this right now.
>
> Which sounds pretty sensible, if I say so myself.It sounds sensible to me, too. With your permission, may I send a cyber slap to his head? I think that following you around the house and thinking he doesn't need counseling merits one, perhaps two or three...
Poet
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 4, 2013, at 19:10:11
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » Partlycloudy, posted by Poet on September 4, 2013, at 15:36:54
>
> It sounds sensible to me, too. With your permission, may I send a cyber slap to his head? I think that following you around the house and thinking he doesn't need counseling merits one, perhaps two or three...
>
> Poet
Yes, please!!!
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2013, at 22:55:59
In reply to Nowhere else to put the words, posted by Partlycloudy on September 2, 2013, at 14:34:55
I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I don't have internet access at home. Seems the provider has persuaded the people who are "looking after" me that they are in Singapore so they can't do anything about it not working at all over the last couple weeks (thought they are still paying for a supposedly unlimited connection, I believe). Anyway, I've been... Wrapped up in myself. Sorry.
I was really moved by your post. I think I, too, post some of the stuff here that is too personal to post to my journal (were I to keep one). If I articulated it privately... It would fester. Somehow it doesn't when it is "out there". Maybe because most of the awfulness of it is the privacy / secrecy thing. I don't know.
Sounds like some time out could be a good idea. Then you get to see honestly whether you in fact miss him and desire to spend more time with him, or whether you blossom with your new found personal space.
If he doesn't give you the opportunity to miss him / desire him to be closer... Well...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2013, at 22:58:33
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words, posted by SLS on September 3, 2013, at 20:33:26
Well, I was wondering what happened to you. After this whole discussion of this person and that person not buggering off you went and buggered off. But I see you are back now, though, so that is okay.
I hope it wasn't my ranting and raving that was perceived as negative... I think it is probably best for people to limit their reading of my posts the way I know I surely limit my reading of the posts of certain other posters...
For ones own mental health, to be sure. Anyway, glad to see you posting.
Posted by SLS on September 5, 2013, at 5:06:34
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2013, at 22:58:33
> I hope it wasn't my ranting and raving that was perceived as negative...
Not at all, Alex. I find your posts to be quite positive and refreshing, even when you are ranting. :-)
> I think it is probably best for people to limit their reading of my posts the way I know I surely limit my reading of the posts of certain other posters...
So far, the only thing that limits my reading of your posts is my inability to read them word-for-word. My illness won't let me. I am forced to skim.
> For ones own mental health, to be sure. Anyway, glad to see you posting.
Thanks, A_K.
- Scott
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 5, 2013, at 10:08:55
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words, posted by alexandra_k on September 4, 2013, at 22:55:59
I am visiting my sister in California, so I have ample opportunity to post and keep in touch. Her home is set up so differently from mine (OK, much healthier) with no TV in the living room. It's off in a corner of the house and they only watch it in the evening, if then.
A change of routine is great for me to stand back from my situation and help put itin perspective. I know who is waiting for me back home. I know he not only misses me, but loves me too. It could be that a solo time away is just something that I need to recharge and renew; and that is fine with me.
I am not trying to assign blame, or coerce him into counseling if it would drive us further apart. But if go back home with a clearer state of mind and connection to my partner, then this is better than any amount of therapy that would be the equivalent of us jointly battering our heads against the walls.
I am optimistic and feel more myself. The remodeling of the kitchen is SO intrusive . There is no way my spouse isn't adversely affectly as well, even as he can't articulate the effect it has on him.
Thanks for posting.
PC
Posted by Poet on September 5, 2013, at 12:44:26
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » Poet, posted by Partlycloudy on September 4, 2013, at 19:10:11
Posted by alexandra_k on September 5, 2013, at 16:48:31
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » alexandra_k, posted by Partlycloudy on September 5, 2013, at 10:08:55
I remember when I was staying with friends and actually did typically have time alone in the house during the day when they were at work. And then they decided to get the piles fixed which meant that for 2 weeks there were noisy tradesmen in the house yelling at each other, talking about women etc, coming and going from a hole they cut out of the center of the open plan area. It was totally invasive. Very stressful, as you say.
Do you have a space at home that is just for you? A woman-cave or similar? Is there a space that could be set up like that? I wonder if therapy could help with the boundary thing... With respect to your being able to set up areas and / or times where you can do your thing and where he leaves you alone to do your thing. Or perhaps you will have that with the remodelling done.
Television is hard... I think I prefer not to have one. Still watch shows on the computer etc... Or set up an external monitor to watch something. But makes it more of a 'special event' rather than turning on the box out of habit and just ending up watching some crap just because it is on. My father was a big TV watcher. I remember visiting him... Every evening was spent in front of the TV watching whatever he wanted to watch... I don't see how that was supposed to be fun for my stepmother... Or my stepmother and me...
Jo was big on conversation. Which was why we didn't have a TV. So everyone would sit in the living area with their personal device (computer, i-pad, phone) watching youtube vids and playing computer games etc... Still not really talking. But then, half the battle was people trying to get a little privacy / personal space from Jo, I reckon. And she couldn't seem to refrain from ongoing commentary about whatever it was that was occupying her... Sigh... Why are people such high maintenance?
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 5, 2013, at 19:48:50
In reply to Two Cyber Slaps sent and received (nm) » Partlycloudy, posted by Poet on September 5, 2013, at 12:44:26
I am certain they have been felt.
Thank you so much!
PC
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 5, 2013, at 19:59:06
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words, posted by alexandra_k on September 5, 2013, at 16:48:31
I do have a personal, private space in the home. (Right now it's directly over the room that's being remodeled.) He respects that as my personal space. At times I have made up the bed and slept there if I am really upset. I have the space gridded with rock crystals, and I sage smudge the room after a bad argument. (I do these things now.)it's where I meditate, cry, read, and do a lot of thinking. It's useless at the moment, but I'll have it back when the kitchen is done.
I also just use it when I need to do some thinking, or have some quiet. It's very soothing.
PC
Posted by sigismund on September 6, 2013, at 1:44:23
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » alexandra_k, posted by Partlycloudy on September 5, 2013, at 19:59:06
I'm struck by the difference between your personal beliefs (if you know what I mean) and those which I imagine operate where you live (though I could say the same for myself).
My idea of where you live is perhaps derived from vulgar Australian imitations, like Miami/Florida Keys. We tried to imagine being cultured by pronouncing it mi aarm i.
We are currently in election mode between a narcissist and a troglodyte culture warrior. Some bright spark wrote this in our local paper.......All this waffle about the people's democracy and new paradigms for living by some local practitioners is another middle class distraction that has no bearing on the realpolitik of today's world.......which is all well and good. I'd kind of like to move.
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 6, 2013, at 12:13:01
In reply to Re: Nowhere else to put the words » Partlycloudy, posted by sigismund on September 6, 2013, at 1:44:23
I really had to search for years to find the culture I was looking for. Once I found it, I know that it is a very small community, and close knit. It encompasses many diverse beliefs and traditions, and shuns none.
It reminds me of the homeland I knew. Living as close to the open water has been a gift I have taken as a special blessing. Its fragility yet robustness, the trust that the wild marine mammals continue to show towards humans. Again, I don't believe that much of the state's population think beyond how big their boat is, how even their tans are, or how large their homes are. That is not the population I identify (nor does my husband) with.
After 13 years of living in Florida, though, I might have found my niche.
PC
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