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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2010, at 6:09:30
I'm kinda mad with myself. Things started out really well with quitting smoking and going to the gym regularly and eating well. I was really happy with how I was feeling what I could do and how my body was starting to look. Going to the gym is fine (I really love it). Smoking and eating are much harder, though.
Been quitting on and off for the past year. First attempt lasted three months. Then I've had a couple of others lasting around one month. I think I've been quit about half of the last year? Maybe a bit less? I'm not entirely sure. Each time I quit I get really sick and need anti-biotics to help clear things up. Smoking again... That to look forward to...
Eating is a combination of finances and habit. Developed a habit of binging on junk when I was a teenager. Then pretty much adopted the 'all treat' diet. Still figuring out cheap things that are nutritious that I can bear the taste of. Went shopping the other day, though, so all set for the next week or so. Summer coming up this part of the world... Will be really happy if I can get that back on track and start feeling and looking better.
Didn't get into medical school. Think they were looking for practitioners more than researchers. That is what I tell myself anyway since they said my interview went 'really well' and I have no reason to doubt them. Guess most people interviewed gave a good one so they needed to revert to other criteria. My grades are good... So I guess my lack of volunteer work / experience in health field and maybe my academic stuff just turned them off. Whatever.
Need to study for the GAMSAT (first year university chemistry, physics, biology) and apply to Australia. There are some scholarships... But if I don't get a scholarship funded place I don't think I can do it. Perfect GPA given their system for grade conversion (freaky that) so comes down to my GAMSAT score. Fingers crossed for a scholarship to make things feasible...
I think... I want to get into sports medicine. I really love training and learning about things to make that go better. I'd apply for physio, too, only no scholarships for that (I don't think). Otherwise... Maybe I'll do some course and become a personal trainer or something. I dunno. I suppose I only enjoy the gym because the people I work out with are highly motivated and it isn't something I have to do. Probably wouldn't enjoy it so much if it was work. And if I had to try and motivate people who didn't have some kind of inner spark. And everyone wants to work with athletes and unless you have a history of athletic success yourself no reason to credit you... I dunno.
Been depressed for the last year, I think. Since my Dad died. Was my birthday the other day (thanks Damos if you are reading). Managed to get through most of the day without even knowing. Bingo. Been trying that one for years. 32. Had to do the math a couple times lol. Thought I was 33 there for a while.
Been bailing on work... Need to get a job (scholarship run out). Need to finish my thesis (lots of work to do there probably 6 months full time at least and probably more like 9). Need to do some RA work that I've been putting off. Need to do some grading. Need to sort out rolls for another class. Need to... Need to... Need to... I just want to train. Hating my life at the moment. Hating the people I work with (which really is so unfair because they are nice really). Not quite sure what is wrong with me.
I dunno. Just whinging I guess.
I feel sad. I can't bear to check my email and find out about a whole bunch of other 'need to' things. I'm getting grey in my hair. Keep pulling them out but they are coming faster. I'm feeling old... Need to quit the smoking. Still like the guy at the gym. Pretty sure he is out of my league. He flirts with me... But pretty sure that is all it is. Innocent from his perspective. Feel frustrated with him for doing that a lot. But we just seem to fit. Hard to explain. Probably all in my head. Right now really feeling that he is out of my league. Just cause I'm feeling old and fat, I guess. I don't suppose it is about him so much as it is about me and how I'm feeling about myself... Feeling old and fat and hacking with horrible smokers lungs. Giving up smoking when this pack runs out... Back into cardio... Back into sleeping whenever I'm not training... That... Seems to be the only thing that makes me happy now. And only sustainable... If I keep away from all the friends I know.
Stabotage?
Perhaps...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2010, at 6:32:10
In reply to Getting there..., posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2010, at 6:09:30
People do seem to feel bad. I guess because for them the gym is one of those things they feel they 'should' be doing - but they just don't want to do it. For me... Work has become that. So I feel bad for spending so much time at the gym and they say things that make me feel worse, because they are trying to help themselves feel better about not going, I guess.
I feel like it is extra important for me to eat properly since people are keeping their eyes out for the 'bulking up' that they have convinced themselves I must be wanting to do since I'm lifting heavy weights - right? If I get all sumo looking then they will feel better about themselves... People don't get that fat is about eating crap not about training. Or that most female bodybuilders (who are natural and don't take steroids) look positively normal (porn star-ish) off season when their bodyfat levels are higher. Even though bodybuilders train differently to me with higher reps at lower weight to build bulk rather than lower max effort attempts (oh the irony in how we tell women to train!)
Hormones going slightly crazy... I've been trying to look into this but no luck. Hard... Lots of stereotypes about lifting weights making you fat or bulky or masculine. Lots of countering those stereotypes with counter-examples. But then... The reality (for me)...
I get kinda mildly manic when I'm in a heavy lifting (for me) phase. In the sense that I don't want to sleep much. Guess that is okay since I normally want to sleep much more than is good for me. I don't want to eat much... So much easier to eat light (for me) meals frequently (which is also good for me, I guess... Feel... Really confident. Grandiose. Though maybe (for me) confidence appears grandiose because of my weird psychology... I'm not sure... But I feel pretty good knowing that most of the guys at the gym couldn't hurt me if they tried. I could snap them like twigs. Now that feels empowering... Not that I would. Just that I could. If they tried something on...
Sometimes it is like being on speed or something... Only nice instead of not nice hallucinations... Pretty sure they are hallucinations but not 100% sure... People talking about me at the gym (admiring). I can't tell. Weird space... And if I really get into cardio (like 60 minutes interval training) then I just want to lie down all the rest of the day even though I'm not sleeping exactly... I dunno, hard to explain. Then I want to train twice per day...
Libido in overdrive... Especially around ovulation. I never used to flirt but I've started becoming a little flirty - and a lot with one guy in particular (who flirts back but freaks out sometimes - he has a girlfriend sigh). He was thinking I was leaving soon for med... Who knows... I don't know about him... I haven't felt this way about anybody in a long time, though... I'm not flirting with him (much) anymore, though... The whole girlfriend thing makes me feel pretty awful... Just bloody hormones and I forget myself sometimes...
Overtraining is controversial. Hard to know the difference between good for and overdoing. Fine line, I guess. Most athletes training would be considered excessive to others - but thats how come they excell. I was never one to be moderate...
Some lifters say that someone else comes out when its time to make a big lift. Thats exactly right. You know the technique... You know how to recruit things the way they are supposed to be recruited. Now its time to go bye byes and let someone else be present for the pain while you just do the darned lift already. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger etc etc. Or... What doesn't injure us for too long...
I dunno... But sometimes I really do think I'd be happiest DOING instead of THINKING. I'm so sick of thinking...
Posted by PartlyCloudy on September 27, 2010, at 6:52:08
In reply to Re: Getting there..., posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2010, at 6:32:10
Hi, Alexandra. Nice to see you posting here again (too).
IMO, if you could crack the puzzle of quitting smoking, it would be a great gift to be able to give yourself. I'm a moderate couch potato with bouts of yoga, dancing, and hiking, so someone who has devoted themselves to the gym as you have is great to hear. Who knows what you might achieve with clear lungs and increased breathing capacity? (Plus I'll admit to being truly biased, having lost multiple family members to smoking related diseases. I never want that to happen to anyone else.)
I also think that smoking cessation requires support beyond our own good intentions. Just a strong will is often not enough to break that incredible bond of nicotine to our bodies and minds.
Take care,
pc
Posted by Phillipa on September 27, 2010, at 13:02:36
In reply to Re: Getting there... » alexandra_k, posted by PartlyCloudy on September 27, 2010, at 6:52:08
Alex sorry about med school. I think the trainer for those with phisical limitations might be a wonderful field for you to look into. As you have walked those shoes so to speak. You soud great. Phillipa
Posted by twinleaf on September 27, 2010, at 14:03:02
In reply to Getting there..., posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2010, at 6:09:30
Thanks for bringing us up to date on all your doings. I think you may be right about medical school; you can obviously do the work easily, but they may have very few places for research-oriented candidates. It sounds like you've got a good plan with basic sciences in Australia. Here (US), the best medical schools get several thousand applicants for 100 places. Probably everyone who applies is qualified, if not over-qualified!
I was a HEAVY (3-packs) smoker until I was 33. My father, who was equally bad, and I quit together. We went down gradually over a year's time, and, when we got down to 10 a day, stopped inhaling. Then we struggled through cutting down slowly to 0. I found that taking deep breaths helped calm the terrible cravings. In any event, it worked for both of us. Today, I think I would use every bit of help like nicotine gum. etc. It is so hard to do!
It's the nicest thing to develop a physical skill which makes you fit and healthy and liking your body! I could do a lot better in that area. When you were summing up all the things going on, you didn't mention a therapist. I think that, when you returned from the US. you found a very good one. Perhaps you graduated!
Posted by alexandra_k on September 28, 2010, at 23:58:31
In reply to Re: Getting there... » alexandra_k, posted by PartlyCloudy on September 27, 2010, at 6:52:08
Hey. Nice to see you still around, too :-) I posted a response only to lose it when I lost my internet connection. Must remember to copy before submitting to stop that happening since my connection is a bit unreliable...
Yeah, the smoking is a pretty key thing. I know I feel a lot better when I've quit. When I'm smoking cardio is pretty horrible. Not getting enough oxygen is the limiting factor. When I've been quit for a while then breathing is okay and the limiting factor is lactic acid burn. I can't wait to get to that point again. Cardio is actually a real motivator since it really doesn't take long to start to feel the benefits of not smoking and it really does only take one cigarette to have me notice the negative impact. Went to do that this morning. So hopefully doing morning cardio and finishing this pack will be enough to get my next (and last!) round of quitting kick started.
I don't know that I believe in will power anymore. I think now I'm a great believer in forethought in the sense of figuring out how to arrange your environment in advance so that you will get there. Know I'll need to spend some time away from my smoking friends to begin with. Then eventually it will be okay (it was before). But only once the urges have passed so that I'm not tempted.
I gotta quit. Dad died of lung cancer last year. Can feel my lungs are pretty bad already :-(
Posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2010, at 0:01:10
In reply to Re: Getting there..., posted by Phillipa on September 27, 2010, at 13:02:36
Thanks Phillipa. I will look into physio but I'm thinking that med might be more financially feasible if (fingers crossed) I manage to pick up a scholarship. Will need to start studying for the test soon... Physio does actually sound pretty cool to me now, though. And yeah, dealing with my feet now is a huge part of that. Funny how ones physical limitations often seem to turn out to be quite different from what one thought they were...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2010, at 0:07:10
In reply to Re: Getting there... » alexandra_k, posted by twinleaf on September 27, 2010, at 14:03:02
Hey. Thanks for the good wishes. Good to hear of someone who managed to quit at around my age. Great that you did it without gum etc, too. I'm a big fan of gum. The plan was to switch from smoking to gum (since nicotine isn't any worse for you than caffeine it is just certain mechanisms of delivery that are harmful). Over time I found that I actually didn't want it, though. Made me feel jittery and anxious (like I'd had too much coffee) and found the gum chewing to upset my stomach a little. So (much to my surprise) giving up the gum was easy, though the gum was a bit of a lifesaver with respect to giving up the cigarettes.
Shows how much more than nicotine is in the addictive power of cigarettes... I swear that there is some other active chemical in tobacco smoke that is addictive...
When I moved back to Australia I resumed with my therapist here. Eventually... There were some problems there for a while, but things are pretty much how they used to be before with him now. Bit hard at the moment... Maintenance, I guess. He is mostly hearing about the gym these days since I've got this wall up to prevent myself being overloaded in contemplating all this other stuff...
That being said I've done a bit of it today and it didn't seem too overwhelming so possibly the tide is turning :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2010, at 0:12:54
In reply to Re: Getting there..., posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2010, at 0:07:10
...snap them like twigs. It is just that when you do some heavy lifts you start to feel like you could do just about ANYTHING. And training with a bunch of others you start to feel like you are merging with or tapping into something all powerful. Most wonderful feeling in the world (for me).
:-)
Found a couple of Tommy Kono clips on the snatch (mostly) last night. Back to the drawing board (aka broomstick) for me technique-wise. Sigh. Still... I suspected that having shoulders over the bar made the transition to the bar over your knee a bit easier and I didn't realize one was supposed to have lumbar curve at that point. Now I get how people are managing to maintain that hamstring tension that some of them go on about...
(part one - kicks off in about 3 minutes)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt423i1w6vs
(part two also available)
Couple weeks to get that then lifts should go up.
Hells yeah!
This is the end of the thread.
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