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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on May 2, 2009, at 18:10:35
Help. My Mom started an argument with me. She wants me to get married and have kids. She says being single is abnormal and when I get old no one will take care of me.
I don't plan on having kids, they are too much work and I like being single.
My Mom said he life is incomplete while her daughters are still unmarried.
What am I supposed to do? I can't just get married. I don't even have a boyfriend. Besides, I like being single.
Is my Mom right?
Do I need to get married so I don't end up sick and alone when I am old?
I guess my Mom is worrying because I am getting old now.
My Mom also told me to not go on any more trips in the future.
She told me instead of going on trips I need to be looking for a boyfriend.
Posted by Dinah on May 2, 2009, at 18:22:14
In reply to My Mom wants me to get married, posted by Deneb on May 2, 2009, at 18:10:35
So?
Your mom has already made her choices for her life. This is your turn.
She has the right to ask you to follow house rules, to pay rent, or to chip in on expenses as long as you're living at her house.
She has no right to tell you to marry.
Clearly many people are happy as single people. Clearly many people enjoy being married. But it's not like you should run out and marry just any old person just to be married.
If one day you'd like to meet the right guy and settle down into a family, tell her that. But marry someone just to be married? That's a pathway to disaster.
Posted by Deneb on May 2, 2009, at 22:06:47
In reply to Re: My Mom wants me to get married, posted by Dinah on May 2, 2009, at 18:22:14
I just unhid my profile on plentyoffish, the online dating site. Maybe I will begin my search for a boyfriend. :/
I think my Mom is worried because I am nearing my 30's now and soon I won't be able to have children.
So far no one has messaged me on POF, I hope I find a good friend.
I don't think I even want children. I don't feel like devoting my life to my children.
I don't even like playing with children.
Posted by desolationrower on May 3, 2009, at 1:12:23
In reply to Re: My Mom wants me to get married, posted by Deneb on May 2, 2009, at 22:06:47
i don't know your mom, but she's probably both concerned with your happiness, and unable to see other life paths that could make someone happy besides ones like her own.
maybe part of it is she thinks she hasn't succeeded as a parent yet b/c of this. and thats an unfair burden on you. but wanting to ensure your kids are happy isn't a huge flaw in itself. it does sound like you need to talk to your mom about boundaries.
don't you have the crush on dr bob? perhaps she is noticing something in your life you need that you aren't seeing clearly. its one thing not to have kids or decide on a partner for the rest of life, but its rather unusual to not want an intimate relationship of any kind. what has your therapist to say about being single or defense mechanisms for this?
-d/r
Posted by seldomseen on May 3, 2009, at 11:01:52
In reply to My Mom wants me to get married, posted by Deneb on May 2, 2009, at 18:10:35
I have never been married and I am happy, but it wasn't always that way.
When i was growing up, I really was only exposed to one, very traditional side of my family. Marriage used to be expected right out of high school, but with my generation the college graduation/wedding was to occur almost simultaneously.
Like a good little girl, I found a boyfriend in college, we dated for four years, then I was to marry the week after graduation. One month before the wedding, I called it off. My family met me with shock at first, then some measure of sympathy, then everyone decided I was a lesbian and we just didn't talk about it anymore.
Well, as I said I was only exposed to ONE side of my family. Trying to find some way to reconnect, my father and I began to retrace our roots on HIS side of the family. It was a shared hobby and actually a lot of fun to do something with dad that didn't involve a lot of yelling.
What I found was, going back 5 generations - all the way back to England actually - was that the women in my family rarely married - if they married at all, it was usually in their forties. The men married late as well. The women were writers and nurses and teachers - all good careers for their time. One was a "minister" of native american spirituality. Two of my great aunts were WACS during WWII.
What I found in looking back at my women ancestors was a direct reflection of myself. Independent women who supported themselves and had interesting, full lives.
To be honest, it was a huge relief to finally be free from the programming of my youth and to embrace what was my birthright from my kin.
I even expressed this relief to my dad by saying "I feel like so much less of freak because I'm not married" He replied "You're definately not a freak for not being married."
I guess to make a very long story even longer, the way you feel now about marriage may change, or it maybe an essential part of you.
I think the best thing any of us can do is to live where we are right now and make this current life the best we can.
You never know what you may find.
Seldom.
Posted by Phillipa on May 3, 2009, at 12:52:00
In reply to Re: My Mom wants me to get married, posted by seldomseen on May 3, 2009, at 11:01:52
Seldom seriously what a great post and what a great thing to do trace your ancestery. Maybe since a lot of maiden Aunts that didn't have kids that is why I had three but not that thrilled with kids in general. You've opened my eyes thanks. Deneb same could be for you. Marrying can create more problems than it solves. Being single is fine if that's what make you happy. And that is what's important. Phillipa
Posted by no_rose_garden on May 3, 2009, at 13:28:31
In reply to Re: My Mom wants me to get married, posted by seldomseen on May 3, 2009, at 11:01:52
That's a great story seldom!!! From being "shunned" in a way to realizing that you're super normal and being able to bond w/ your dad over the family thing (which probably wouldn't have happened if you got married)
:)
Posted by no_rose_garden on May 3, 2009, at 13:31:42
In reply to My Mom wants me to get married, posted by Deneb on May 2, 2009, at 18:10:35
(((Deneb)))
A lot of me really doesn't want to be in a relationship or get married either....so much trouble and nowadays, so many of them are hurtful or end in divorce (at least that's my impression).
Anyway...like what others said, I hope we have our own paths and will do things in our lives when it's time....not when others tell us we have to.
But maybe you will find a friend on POF :)
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2009, at 14:13:36
In reply to Re: My Mom wants me to get married, posted by seldomseen on May 3, 2009, at 11:01:52
I love that story!
Posted by Sigismund on May 3, 2009, at 15:51:33
In reply to My Mom wants me to get married, posted by Deneb on May 2, 2009, at 18:10:35
My mother was always on about this too, stuck in some kind of groove and didn't know how to get out. With my kids just grown up I have no particular desire for grandchildren now. My mother thought a change like henna in hair was a sign of prostitution. People like that don't have enough to worry about, or perhaps they are too worried to worry about suicide, drug addiction, major crimes, death etc etc.
Posted by Deneb on May 3, 2009, at 21:17:30
In reply to Re: My Mom wants me to get married, posted by desolationrower on May 3, 2009, at 1:12:23
I know my Mom feels like it is abnormal to be single. The thing is, there are a lot of single people in my family. Two of my older cousins are single. I have never seen them in a relationship. My youngest aunt is single. Some people on my Dad's side of the family are single too. You'd think it was genetic LOL.
One of my aunts is as good as single as her husband lives in Hong Kong and visits once in a blue moon, when he is in trouble.
There are a lot of people in my family that for whatever reason, did not marry. Some want to marry, but it just hasn't happened.
I also know my Mom feels like her life's work is incomplete as long as her daughters are unmarried. My sister has a good steady boyfriend so I don't think she is as worried about her, but I know she is worried about me.
I'm not sure what defense mechanisms I have in place. It is true I love Dr. Bob, but not in a romantic way. My pdoc (who is my therapist) thinks I am attached to Dr. Bob because he is unattainable and "safe". She thinks that I love him because I know for a fact nothing will ever happen between us and that feels safe to me. I think that makes a lot of sense.
I haven't really talked to my pdoc about being single. We mostly talk about avoiding things. She does think it is strange that I avoid people in real life, but I long to be with Babblers in person. She thinks I actually do like being around people, but my social anxiety and avoidance gets in the way. Maybe I am afraid of being in a relationship.
Posted by Deneb on May 3, 2009, at 21:24:05
In reply to Re: My Mom wants me to get married, posted by seldomseen on May 3, 2009, at 11:01:52
That is neat that you found out about your family.
I don't know much about my family tree at all.
I can't tell whether or not I truly enjoy being single or if I am avoiding things. I am pretty happy now.
I have had one relationship in my life and I didn't like it. I am not sure if it was because he wasn't right for me or if I just don't like being in relationships. Well, actually I suspect it is the latter. He was a real sweetie.
Sometimes I get attracted to someone, once in a blue moon, but it goes away quickly. I don't feel any real "need" to be in an intimate relationship.
Posted by SLS on May 4, 2009, at 7:02:25
In reply to My Mom wants me to get married, posted by Deneb on May 2, 2009, at 18:10:35
I don't know what kind of communication you have with your mother. If you can have a serious talk with her about your feelings, perhaps she will understand and desist her badgering you. However, if it is unlikely that conversations with your mother will change her behavior, you might be better to just smile sweetly and say, "Mom, I know you care." and ignore the rest of her badgering if she continues with it. Leave the room if necessary.
Many people believe that there is a script to follow in life. Getting married and having children is written into a great many scripts. However, this is your play, and you get to write your own script as you move forward along your journey through life.
I think you already know what you do and do not want at this juncture. You have verbalized your thoughts and feelings here very well. You can change your mind at any time. Experimentation and taking risks are sometimes involved in change. If you have the courage to explore finding a significant other because that is what you want for yourself, then you have the freedom to do so. If you have the courage to do nothing, then this too represents freedom. However, to start dating for the sake of following someone else's script might not be the best thing for you right now.
How do YOU feel about seeking a significant other right now? You don't have to marry someone to be able to enjoy a rewarding relationship with them. I made the mistake of following the American script and married a women whom I was not in love with. We divorced after three years.
Deneb, you are younger than your mother believes you to be. You have many, many years in front of you. You have time to discover what is right for Deneb, even if it means making mistakes along the way. Just let those mistakes be your own.
- Scott
Posted by Bobby on May 4, 2009, at 8:38:26
In reply to My Mom wants me to get married, posted by Deneb on May 2, 2009, at 18:10:35
Announce to your mom that you've found the perfect woman, you'll adopt your kids from Africa, and join in a civil union as soon as she finds a job as well----never mind the 20year age gap.
Posted by Kath on May 4, 2009, at 20:31:01
In reply to My Mom wants me to get married, posted by Deneb on May 2, 2009, at 18:10:35
Last time I heard, parents give us our Life & then it is Our Life. Some parents want to live THROUGH their children. Maybe they had certain hopes that their children's lives would turn out a certain way in order for them (the parents) to have certain desires fulfilled.
Maybe it's partly a cultural thing in your Mom's case.
> I don't plan on having kids, they are too much work and I like being single.
*It's your life. If you don't want kids, for Heaven's Sake, don't even THINK of having them. They ARE a lot of work & believe me, the emotional stuff involved does NOT end (from what most parents I know have said, anyway). It is a very big deal.
If you like being single, why the heck would you get married?!!!!!!!!
> My Mom said he life is incomplete while her daughters are still unmarried.
*That is very sad. It is not your job or duty to complete your mother's life, in my opinion.
> What am I supposed to do? I can't just get married. I don't even have a boyfriend. Besides, I like being single.
*You could get one of those sandwich-boards & wear it & pace up & down in front of your house....you could paint on it in huge letters:
"WANTED - Husband, so my Mom will get off my case about getting marred!"
> Is my Mom right?*What do YOU think? I think NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Last time I knew, in most cases anyway, - marriage came about because 2 people happened to meet & get to know each other & became closer & eventually decided that they did NOT want to live apart, but wanted to be united forever!!!!> Do I need to get married so I don't end up sick and alone when I am old?
*Once again - I can't get my mind around "searching for a husband"!!!!!
> I guess my Mom is worrying because I am getting old now.*How old are you? People are never too old to get married, if you happened to ever meet someone who you wanted to marry & they wanted to marry you.
> My Mom also told me to not go on any more trips in the future.
*How old are you? It's really too bad you can't live apart from your Mom, if that's something that would appeal to you. Of course, parents can still be bossy even if we don't live with them.
> She told me instead of going on trips I need to be looking for a boyfriend.
*She's had her chance to live her life. You have the right to live your life for YOU. How you want. When you're single is a wonderful time to go on trips. I admire your sense of adventure going on trips!!
I haven't read any other posts & don't have time now, but I HAD to reply!!!!love, Kath
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