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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 30. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 18:51:36
I'm having a really bad day.
I'm not ready for my exam tomorrow. I bought some OTC drugs to OD on. I was going to take them to get sick so I could get a note. I was going to take them tomorrow to get sick. Then on my way back home from buying them I suddenly decided I wasn't safe. I impulsively got off the bus several stops early to go to the walk in clinic. I thought maybe I could get a note without making myself sick. It was going to be a long wait.
I opened a bottle and was going to take them there in the waiting room, like I did last time. I hesitated and told the receptionist to take them away from me because I didn't feel safe.
I got a note. He didn't even ask me what was the matter. It was, "Hi there, so you need a note? Sure, no problem, here you go. Take care now!"
I still feel horrible. I feel really guilty now. I feel like ODing, but I don't have one of the drugs anymore. I don't deserve to live. :-(
I'm manipulative. I'm a horrible person. I deserve to fail. I deserve to be sick.
I think I'm going to OD on the other drug tomorrow to punish myself. Don't worry, it's a safe drug.
I'm a horrible, manipulative person. I deserve to die.
I can't stand the guilt! I deserve to fail. I deserve to OD and get sick.
I binged and purged after I got home. I need to punish myself. The guilt is too much to handle. Why can't I pull myself together and just study??? Why??? I'm such a loser. I don't deserve to live. I'm not even depressed or anything. I'm just lazy. LAZY. I have NO motivation to do anything, to make anything of myself.
I don't deserve to live.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 19:03:02
In reply to I did something bad *trigger*, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 18:51:36
I can't stand it. I feel so guilty.
I'm thinking of buying more drugs to OD on tomorrow, not so safe drugs. :-( It's really easy to OD on them. I just take them one after another, after another and so on.
I don't want people to think I'm manipulative. If I OD and get sick even after getting my note it will prove that I'm not manipulative. I'm actually feeling bad enough to OD without rewards.
I can't get rid of the guilt!!!!!
Deneb*
Posted by sunnydays on December 12, 2006, at 19:35:30
In reply to I did something bad *trigger*, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 18:51:36
Deneb, if you really feel like you're going to OD, you need to go to the emergency room right now. There's no such thing as 'safe' ODing. It may not kill you, but there is soooo much damage you can do to your body. Please go to the emergency room. If you're not safe you need to try to take care of yourself. Going to the clinic was a good first step, but I think you need more. Please go there. I don't want you to hurt yourself. And believe me, please, that there is no such thing as 'safe' ODing.
Take care,
sunnydays
Posted by Michael83 on December 12, 2006, at 20:58:00
In reply to I did something bad *trigger*, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 18:51:36
Deneb you have no reason to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. It's not you yourself that's the problem, it's just your thoughts that lead you to believe something is wrong, even though nothing is wrong. They're just thoughts and the truth is not you have no reason to feel guilty.
PLEASE PLEASE don't OD, you should see your pscyh or whoever you go to for help or even the ER if you feel like you're going to OD. Just think about what Dr Bob would want you to do in a situation like this. He wouldn't want you to OD, that's for sure, and NO ONE else here does, not me, sunnydays, Phillipa, or anyone. We just want you to be safe. That's all we care about, that you're safe.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2006, at 21:07:48
In reply to Re: I did something bad *trigger*, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 19:03:02
Deneb, if you read your last post and pretend it was made by someone from Babble you care about, what would you say to them?
If you don't feel safe, you should call your pdoc, or go to the ER. If you don't feel safe you need in real life help. Can you tell your mom? She's been pretty understanding hasn't she?
Posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 21:09:45
In reply to Re: I did something bad *trigger* » Deneb, posted by Michael83 on December 12, 2006, at 20:58:00
I feel better now. I'm trying to forget what I did. I think I'll return what I bought tomorrow.
I can't risk hurting myself. I know I will regret it. This guilt I feel will fade.
Deneb*
Posted by Phillipa on December 12, 2006, at 21:15:45
In reply to Re: I'm safe, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 21:09:45
Deneb I feel you should call you pdoc and tell him your feelings. I know how awful guilt is I have a lot too. But I am trying to find a therapist to talk with. Also can you sit down with your Mom and tell her what you've told us? I think talking about it in real life would help. And seriously if you have strong thoughts of self-harm you need to call a crisis line or tell you Mom to take you to the Er. Are you on your prescribed meds? Love Phillipa who you know cares and doesn't want anything bad to happen to Deneb.
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2006, at 21:21:04
In reply to Re: I'm safe, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 21:09:45
Yes it will. I'm glad you're thinking that way to yourself. All emotions, no matter how horrible, do pass.
In fact, at several points along the way, you chose a safer choice tonight. Including choosing to remember that your feelings will pass. Try to remember those choices as well, ok?
Even though you're feeling better, might it be a good idea to get rid of any temptation tonight? I sometimes give medications to my husband and ask him to hold them for me.
Posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 21:23:03
In reply to Deneb, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2006, at 21:07:48
I'm safe for tonight. I won't do anything with my parents around.
Tomorrow I may feel even more guilty. I promise if I do ingest a larger than mini OD I'll get help somehow.
Deneb*
Posted by sunnydays on December 12, 2006, at 21:24:52
In reply to Re: Deneb, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 21:23:03
Deneb, I know you'd probably like to return them to try to get your money back, but could you just flush them all down the toilet real quick tonight? Even a mini-OD is dangerous. You're doing so so well, I just don't want you to be tempted the least little bit.
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on December 12, 2006, at 21:29:25
In reply to Re: Deneb, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 21:23:03
Ah, Deneb. Can't you promise more than that?
How about promising that if you feel like taking any OD at all, you'll call for help instead.
Or better yet, if you're still feeling that way, call your pdoc or ER right now and tell them what you've just said. No internet bulletin board can substitute for IRL help. I can't say that emphatically enough. If you don't think you're safe tonight or tomorrow, call for IRL help.
Lots of people have told you that mini OD's are dangerous too. Trust me, I'm old now and sick enough. You want to take care of your body when you're young.
Posted by Honore on December 12, 2006, at 21:30:25
In reply to Deneb, posted by Dinah on December 12, 2006, at 21:07:48
Deneb, I'm concerned about you.
Even though you feel safe, your moods have been vacillating a lot recently, and you're under a lot of pressure.
Please give serious consideration to talking to your Mom. You need the kind of support that another person in the room can give you, to get through this difficult moment.
You'll be okay. This will pass and you'll find your way. But I'm worried about you for right now.
As Dinah says, what would you tell someone who wrote your posts? Wouldn't you want her to take precautions, so that if she again felt like doing anything harmful, there would be someone who would protect her?
I know I would. Please give this some thought.
Honore
Posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 21:30:58
In reply to Re: Deneb » Deneb, posted by sunnydays on December 12, 2006, at 21:24:52
> Deneb, I know you'd probably like to return them to try to get your money back, but could you just flush them all down the toilet real quick tonight? Even a mini-OD is dangerous. You're doing so so well, I just don't want you to be tempted the least little bit.
>
> sunnydaysYou're right Sunnydays. I just flushed then down the toilet.
Deneb*
Posted by TexasChic on December 12, 2006, at 21:42:37
In reply to Flushed » sunnydays, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 21:30:58
I'm so proud of you! If you can't talk to your mom, can you talk to someone at your school? I know you don't want to do the therapy thing, but what can it hurt to try it? If you hate it you can leave. Its all under your control. It will be like talking to us but with someone who knows the things to say that will help you learn how to feel better.
-T
Posted by Michael83 on December 12, 2006, at 21:48:46
In reply to Flushed » sunnydays, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 21:30:58
Thank you so much Deneb. =)
I'm so glad you feel better.
Posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 22:02:56
In reply to Re: Flushed » Deneb, posted by Michael83 on December 12, 2006, at 21:48:46
Everytime I think about this incident I feel guilty and then I want to OD. I'm going to think about the Babble Party next year and do some research on San Diego.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to forget I have exams and just try to study without pressure. I have 1-3 months to get caught up in everything.
I'm also going to drop some of my classes for next semester. Clearly I cannot handle the stress.
If I OD tomorrow I'll go to the ER. Maybe if I go willingly I won't be locked up like last time and maybe I can get back home in time so my parents wouldn't suspect a thing.
Deneb*
Posted by Phillipa on December 12, 2006, at 22:06:52
In reply to I'm going to try to think of good things *trigger*, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 22:02:56
Deneb are you on your meds? you go off whenever there are finals and you always pass with flying colors. And now if you're thinking that way call the ER let them know you're on your way and why Love Phillipa
Posted by madeline on December 13, 2006, at 4:36:00
In reply to I'm going to try to think of good things *trigger*, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 22:02:56
You need to call your Pdoc.
Immediately. You need to reach out to her, tell her your thoughts on this matter and let her help you through it.
You've come a long way Deneb, and I think you are ready to develop the coping skills to deal with life pressures without doing something that you will feel guilty about later.
I think that when you call out and say that you are going to mini-OD you are really really just asking for help.
You see, the thing is you don't NEED to manipulate people, you can just come straight out and ask for help. It's okay.
It is a fundamental right of a human being to not go through this by yourself. It is a fundamental right to get help, Deneb. And that means you are absolutely allowed to do it. It's like saying "i have the right to breathe"
Alleviate your guilt and just ask for help.
Posted by Farkus on December 13, 2006, at 7:18:42
In reply to I did something bad *trigger*, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 18:51:36
>
> I'm manipulative. >**IF** you are using threats to your life and wellbeing as a coping and controlling mechanism, the fact you recognize that is good. Insight needs to expand to the whys of the behaviors. Initally, the answer may seem simple because people tend to do things that work for them and get them the goals they desire. Desperate people do desperate things. On deeper looking, the reasons may not be so simple.
I am sorry you are hurting. I hope you seek the help I think you need as I believe the behaviors in which you are engaging are risky and very dangerous.
Posted by sunnydays on December 13, 2006, at 9:39:48
In reply to Flushed » sunnydays, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 21:30:58
Good job Deneb! I'm proud of you!
sunnydays
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 13, 2006, at 11:14:48
In reply to I'm going to try to think of good things *trigger*, posted by Deneb on December 12, 2006, at 22:02:56
Deneb,
think about how much fun it will be to go to California, and how excited you'll feel to meet new Psycho-Babblers.You are doing brave things. Keep yourself safe, and keep yourself busy.
One thing I found that helps me is that I promise to myself- I'm going to be safe until noon. Then- I'm going to be safe until 1pm. Then- I can do this. I promise to myself to be safe until 2pm. then 3pm.
When you can't make those promises anymore, you have to get someone to help you. That person can be your mom, your pdoc, a crisis counselor, or a doctor, or even the ER staff.
I think you can do this. I have a good feeling that you can do this.
If you need to think of more good things, maybe you can go back to your photo album from your trip to the APA conference. Or your photos from your camping/NYC trip with your friends.
You don't have to be *perfect*, 'cause your good enough already. But you do have to keep Deneb* safe. I'm awfully fond of her and I don't want anything bad to happen to her, okay?
Thank you for trying so hard.
your friend,
Ll
Posted by Deneb on December 13, 2006, at 15:10:09
In reply to Re: I'm going to try to think of good things *trig » Deneb, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 13, 2006, at 11:14:48
I just got up 1 1/2 hours ago. I'm OK. I'm at the library right now. I'm almost 100% certain I'm not going to buy more stuff to OD on.
Deneb*
Posted by 10derHeart on December 13, 2006, at 22:13:35
In reply to Thanks for your support, posted by Deneb on December 13, 2006, at 15:10:09
> I just got up 1 1/2 hours ago. I'm OK. I'm at the library right now. I'm almost 100% certain I'm not going to buy more stuff to OD on.
>
> Deneb*
Thank God. I just got to this thread today. I must be honest and say....you were scaring the cr*p out of me. I care about you very much, Deneb.But you did *great* with all this in so many ways, You considered options. You talked to Babblers you *know* care. You had some awesome self-talk. Do you realize what accomplishments these are? Do you?!
Bravo for safety, for your courage, for everything about Deneb. The guilt-beast won't win this one. No way.
your friend who is *so* relieved...-10der
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 13, 2006, at 22:32:15
In reply to Thanks for your support, posted by Deneb on December 13, 2006, at 15:10:09
(((((Deneb)))))
so nice to see your lovely green name in babblechat. you make me happy :)
not just 'cause i'm lurpsy either.
I'm glad you figured out a good way to deal with today. when you are ready, you'll tell your pdoc. You'll feel SO much better when you don't have to carry around such heavy secrets :(
best to you, and sweet dreams :)
lurps
Posted by Deneb on December 13, 2006, at 23:04:35
In reply to Re: Thanks for your support » Deneb, posted by 10derHeart on December 13, 2006, at 22:13:35
Sorry to have scared you. I was kind of scared myself, but maybe it was a good thing. This time I was scared for myself, that's why I did the things I did, like flush the drugs.
It's difficult to say how close I was to ODing because it's a really easy thing to do. It felt like last time, but this time I didn't do it.
Thanks for being there for me.
((((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))
Deneb*
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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