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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 8:00:06
I'm so anxious and upset and I can hardly stand myself, and I'm having some suicidal ideation.
It's a story that began last Monday and has now ended, but it ended badly. I'm too upset to share it right now.
I need to take my meds and have a smoke and then I'll come back. Will you guys be here 4me pls?
love, cf
Posted by llrrrpp on September 18, 2006, at 8:35:28
In reply to SOMEBODY HELP ME, posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 8:00:06
We'll be here, Corafree. Take your meds, and get yourself to a safe place. Be extra gentle to you today, Okay?
Are you seeing a doctor or a T? You should tell them if you're feeling overwhelmed by thought of hurting yourself. You should tell them if you don't feel safe. If you're in crisis, please go to the emergency room so that they can keep you safe.
gentle hugs and a soft pillow for you, corafree. What is on your schedule today?
-ll
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 18, 2006, at 9:35:39
In reply to SOMEBODY HELP ME, posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 8:00:06
Posted by Phillipa on September 18, 2006, at 10:54:58
In reply to Re: SOMEBODY HELP ME **trigger** » corafree, posted by llrrrpp on September 18, 2006, at 8:35:28
Corafree what happens things were good on Friday? Love Phillipa
Posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 14:03:00
In reply to Re: SOMEBODY HELP ME **trigger**, posted by Phillipa on September 18, 2006, at 10:54:58
<Are you seeing a doctor or a T? You should tell them if you're feeling overwhelmed by thought of hurting yourself. You should tell them if you don't feel safe. If you're in crisis, please go to the emergency room so that they can keep you safe.>
To 1st? .. I'll call him. To 2nd? I'll only say I'm feeling overwhelmed. To 3rd, no. To 4th, oh no!
I know this may sound way out there ridiculous to many, ... but since my Dad passed away, over 2yrs now, I can't go w/o a cigarette for any longer than 30min or so. If I do, I breakdown big time. Really ... I do. I went to ER last w/ breakthrough back pain and they wouldn't let me go outside after I checked in. It was 6hrs later that I was seen. I was seen, but I couldn't see, I couldn't even speak, or remember why I was there. I was just sobbing uncontrollably. I just wanted a cigarette. That was all I could think of or speak.
Something has happened involving my ex-abusive-husband. My daughter chose him instead of me and he is gloating. He is a meth user. I called him to 'check out' his voice and see if he sounded well enough to be w/ her and two babies. I said 'how are u doing?' and he responded with this 'I'm great' thing he always did and said 'How RU?'. I said, "Well I'm sick because you broke my back." (He doesn't care enuf to know that the narcotics I must take cause me so many other health probs'.) He said, "Well at least I didn't kill you. I should have killed you!"
I can't stop crying. A person really wishes I was dead. I feel like I must be so worthless. And I wanted to help my daughter and help take care of the babies, but remember I had that nervous breakdown last March?
Well .. I got up @ 3a to feed the 2-mo-old and my daughter got up @ 5a to go p/u their father and take him to his work where he lost his job. She called and said she wouldn't be back until 9a. I said okay. But then I started to feel 'off' about an hour later. I had an infant and an almost 2-yr-old. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed, tearful, out of control, and my whole body was beginning to shake. I called her right away (prob' 6:30a), but she wouldn't p/u her cell when I called. She ignored me for 3hrs. I sat on the floor crying and holding the infant w/ the toddler confused about 'WHO WAS IN CONTROL HERE'. I called someone else to call her and she picked up and called me. By the time she got here (9a), I had put the infant in a soft crib in extra bedr and locked the door so that the toddler couldn't go in. I put everything up so the toddler couldn't find anything to hurt herself. I have a small place so I could hear and pretty much 'see all' as I went to lie in bed w/ cartoons on TV.
I hadn't been able to change her diaper because I was shaking so badly, legs weak, thoughts scattered.
I COULDN'T DO IT! I COULDN'T HANDLE IT!
Those very same feelings of the nervous breakdown were coming to the surface again and scaring the sh*t out of me. I'm still scared today. My treatment for the NB was Valium. I had some here and have been taking it since.
Ya' see, my ex had kicked them out Mon. and she had come to me. But, I FAILED HER, and she went back to him yesterday, Sun, and he's 'gloating' as he revels in my pain. He lives 2 hurt me. That's when he said that awful 'kill u' thing.
I've been trying to detox down a bit on my Percocet, ya' know trying to be better, get better, but I'm alone and 'no one really cares about it'. This should prob' be factored in here.
Thing is, this whole 'narcotic issue' would never exist if he hadn't hurt me. Then, I would have been able to be a the kind of grandmother I dreamed of being. I am so young at heart, but my body has taken so many jabs!
There are some who say 'it's my fault because I stayed w/ him' and 'it's my fault that they (my children) love him, because I stayed w/ him', and I guess it's all my freakin' fault!!!!!!!! In 10yrs of abuse he spent 1night in jail. He lives pain free, uses illegal drugs, and has a job w/ a city/City. What the hell is wrong w/ this damn picture?
I can't stop crying. I better take 1/2mg Val.
Sorry 'bout the way I posted and then went away ... you guys are so cool ... I'm sorta' 'out of it'. The shaking and weakness in my legs has gotten better since I began the Valium.
I will call the doctor. I'll do that shortly.
Does anyone else have a nicotine habit like mine? I feel like I'm dirty/stinky ... everyone is so down on smoking. But after Dad (my soul mate I believe) died, then the nervous breakdown, I smoke at least a pack a day. I can't stop. I need it. Docs don't understand. Maybe I'll try to make my doc understand how very scared it makes me to be w/o a cigarette for more than an hour. I know ya' think I'm weak or goofy or it's so trivial, but to me it's huge.
love, cf
pss
Tks for adding the trigger Llrrrpp.
Were things good Friday Phillipa?
Posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 21:44:53
In reply to Re: SOMEBODY HELP ME **trigger**, posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 14:03:00
Am I 'a little off' here (as usual) -and- not seeing the seriousness of this statement?
I mean, is what he said to me something I should tell someone ... like maybe someone in a position of 'authority'?
You know how ya' get in the middle of a storm and can't find your way out. Well, that's where I am. I can't see the right way to go.
Should I, in anyone's opinion, take some sort of action as regards his remark to me???
tksbutties, cf
Posted by Phillipa on September 18, 2006, at 21:52:19
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger**, posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 21:44:53
Only if you fear for your life and think he was serious. People do say things. Did he mean it? That's what you have to ask yourself. Love Phillipa
Posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 22:16:21
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger** » corafree, posted by Phillipa on September 18, 2006, at 21:52:19
Right. Common sense. (I think I've lost some common sense in all this messeduppedness.)
Think you hit the nail on the head Phillipa.
love, cf
Posted by gardenergirl on September 18, 2006, at 22:19:48
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger**, posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 21:44:53
Domestic violence often escalates. I think I'd take it seriously. He's already shown he's capable of violence. Whether he actually intends further harm or not, anyone who says, "I should have killed you" sounds to me like they have already crossed some moral or internal threshhold about doing others harm.
That said, I don't know exactly what the best course of action is, but I think better safe than sorry. Given there are others in the picture (family), it certainly sounds complicated and very very stressful.
Take care,
gg
Posted by ju§tyourlaugh on September 18, 2006, at 22:26:05
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger** » Phillipa, posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 22:16:21
please look in the mirror and see who you really are...you are "not" a frighten woman because you get frightened..you are "not" an idiot because you made mistakes..
you have a lot of fight in you!..
fight for yourself first so you will be strong enough to fight for your babies..
Posted by Phillipa on September 18, 2006, at 22:42:18
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger** » Phillipa, posted by corafree on September 18, 2006, at 22:16:21
Thank-God you don't live with him. And follow up on that move. I think the distance would help all of you. Love Phillipa
Posted by corafree on September 19, 2006, at 11:50:07
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger** » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on September 18, 2006, at 22:19:48
Much appreciated GG.
Two complications could arise. 1) He might kick out my daughter and her two babies. 2) My son lives there; although has been spending all his time at his new girlfriend's place recently.
I'd not be able to take in my daughter in her condition. The condition is 'forced meth withdrawal'. I've knowledge of recognizing persons caring enough about themselves to put this evil drug behind them forever. I see just a sliver of it in her; because, it wasn't her choice.
Before my son met this girlfiend and was living w/ my ex all the time, I worried about him there w/ his father constantly going to the garage to smoke a mpipe. Growing too disgusted, I called his work supervisor. The supervisor 'caught him dirty' but what he did was unbelievable.
His reaction was to call me(?) and say, "You're just trying to get him in trouble. You just want him to lose his job." Nothing else was done.
Ya' see, my ex is 'everybody's gregarious buddy' (If they only knew?!) 'the guy you'd never think would do it'. People 'cover for him' just to keep his company! He was/is, I'm 'so sorry' to say and believe, a devil in disguise.
I could never cover for him. I yelled 'he hit me' from the highest mountain from the beginning. But at that time, the law gave 'the abused', a choice, ... Press charges?.
That's when I hid; the wrong move I kept repeating. Am I still?
Now, in my State, no questions are asked. Abuser = jail time and a hearing. I believe the law has recognized abused people aren't able to make responsible decisions in these situations, and, officers of law 'can't and don't have to be' on-site 'counselors'. This is good.
When first married, he was just talking one day, boasting about this-n-that, and said, "I'll never hit a woman." I recall thinking at that moment, 'What an odd thing to say?'.
I'd never been around people that hit or were abusive. I think that's why I didn't 'see it was a clue'.
Back to now; my gut says it's time someone 'did something more than talk', like 'taking action'.
In some respect, think the worry about this one of my two daughters, and my only son, is irrational, because w/ my borderline sort of thinking, I tend to let him continue exposing them to this evil because I'm worried about where they will live, sort of like I let him continue to hurt me because I was worried about the consequences of leaving him.
Exposing him for what he is doing wrong, to them, to me, will cause immediate upheaval.
But, it's 'the right thing to do', isn't it? (To answer this question, think of me as a child looking up at you, maybe a child who loves a person that is doing a bad thing.)
Maybe 'the bottom' my son and my daughter need to hit, is right here in my hands and voice.
Am I onto something here?
Is my allowing him to continue this behavior teaching my children to enable criminal activity. And 'wow' ... maybe my children have been waiting for me to be the one to take action for a long time, even knowing they might feel they hate me for a period of time, still wanting me to do it, even tho' there will be hurt. You have to fall to heal. I might be strong enough to 'take action'. I might be strong enough for the backlash. I know I am. This may be something I've seen coming. I don't know if you've read any of my posts about 'good things coming', but this might be a door to what is right and good, put right here in front of me for a reason.
Am I onto something here? Respond if you don't agree pls.
love, cf
Posted by corafree on September 19, 2006, at 12:04:18
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger**, posted by ju§tyourlaugh on September 18, 2006, at 22:26:05
JYL ... I feel the energy in your words. So you think I'm stronger than I know. Well, you win or your psychic, because, you're right.
But, the past nervous breakdown must be factored in now, in my life; maybe I'll have to remain on Valium for a long time. That doesn't mean I will be weak.
I just responded to GG saying, 'if you don't agree pls respond'.
BUT, if you jyl, or anyone who risked reading this post, think I'm on the right track, pls let me hear from you.
tysomuch4thefire, cf
Posted by corafree on September 19, 2006, at 12:12:47
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger**, posted by Phillipa on September 18, 2006, at 22:42:18
And now I get a message from my friend Phillipa.
That's a sign. I think that's a sign.
Okay ... I just felt really scared because I plan to 'really do something'. Plan to report to non-emergency police what my ex said to me.
I just need a few followups to do it; well I'd like :{ a few followups to do it. How do you rock steady anyway?
Oh dam* it all! Bad words!
cf
Posted by corafree on September 19, 2006, at 14:20:24
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger** » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on September 18, 2006, at 22:19:48
I apologize for saying 'if you don't agree please follow up', in my followup, GG. And JYL, I shouldn't coax you 'to followup'.
I feel it's not really cool to ask someone to respond, or to ask someone not to respond; kind of borders on manipulating.
Once I post a thread, I think 'it's on me' to accept no followups or all followups. DB is the only one who can intervene.
You never really know what another person is doing, or going through, here on babble. They may be busy or they may be sitting at their PC able to babble all day.
GG, I can't thank you enough for all the times you've been here to support me as you sense I'm faltering.
Will get in touch Phillipa!
reaching, cf
Posted by Phillipa on September 19, 2006, at 20:58:33
In reply to Re: SOME BUDDIES 'HAVE' HELPED ME **trigger**, posted by corafree on September 19, 2006, at 14:20:24
Corafree you want responses I say go for it and the other stuff we talked about . Love Phillipa
Posted by gardenergirl on September 20, 2006, at 9:30:55
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger** » gardenergirl, posted by corafree on September 19, 2006, at 11:50:07
> In some respect, think the worry about this one of my two daughters, and my only son, is irrational, because w/ my borderline sort of thinking, I tend to let him continue exposing them to this evil because I'm worried about where they will live, sort of like I let him continue to hurt me because I was worried about the consequences of leaving him.I forget, are your children adults? If they are, well...of course you want them to be well, and of course you want them to be safe. But they are responsible for their lives and choices now if they are adults. If they are minor children, you could consult with family services to see what options there are.
>
> But, it's 'the right thing to do', isn't it? (To answer this question, think of me as a child looking up at you, maybe a child who loves a person that is doing a bad thing.)If only that were a simple question. I think what the "right thing to do" depends so much on the specific situation and context, and what's best for you and for all involved. I'm not qualified, personally or professionally, to answer that for you. I'm sorry. I can tell you're looking for reassurance and help in figuring out what to do.
>
> Is my allowing him to continue this behavior teaching my children to enable criminal activity.I think that's an interesting question, but I have one pick about your words. You're not "allowing him" to do anything. He does what he does, and nobody has control over his actions but himself. What you have control over is your actions and behavior. I think you can assert that his behavior is wrong under different value systems, i.e. legal, personal, moral, etc. if you believe so. And you can communicate this to your children. Setting and communicating appropriate boundaries and limits on behavior is a gift that parents give to their children to help them learn. So I think it's possible to communicate that his behavior is unacceptable to you even though you cannot control his behavior.
>
> Am I onto something here? Respond if you don't agree pls.I think that it's good that you think about all of this, the effect it's had on your life, and what you want to do going forward. I also think that it's something that you need some IRL support about, because it's a pretty big deal.
Always here to listen...
gg
Posted by corafree on September 20, 2006, at 14:43:23
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger** » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on September 20, 2006, at 9:30:55
<If only that were a simple question. I think what the "right thing to do" depends so much on the specific situation and context, and what's best for you and for all involved. I'm not qualified, personally or professionally, to answer that for you. I'm sorry. I can tell you're looking for reassurance and help in figuring out what to do.>
You're right. I should ask a professional this sort of thing, then even they may say, and be right, that I need to answer that question myself. I'm holding a double-edged sword of sorts, and could hurt the 'children'(?); well yes they are young adults, 21, 29, and 30. But still, to my own detriment, I'd give them my last dime. Right now, we're all 'not talking'. There's silence. I did 'tell' what he said and how it hurt. Here again, feeling I may need to rescue them. (I know.)
It's know it's easy to see I'm not doing well at all GG. (Just as I said that, a huge gust of desert wind blew up, all my doors slammed shut. Now it's gone) I posted somewhere the onset of some feelings similar to those associated w/ the nervous breakdown I had early last year. Maybe I'm tired or something.
asallways, cf
Posted by gardenergirl on September 20, 2006, at 15:07:57
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger** » gardenergirl, posted by corafree on September 20, 2006, at 14:43:23
Hi sweetie,
Listen to that "gust of wind" that is your instinct. If you think you might be headed into a downward breakdown, seek shelter from that storm. Seek out extra support and any necessary professional help, whether meds, therapy, etc.Take care of you, first. There's that airplane safety thing...put on your own oxygen before helping others. That's because you can't help anyone else if you can't breathe. Take care of you, dear.
(((cf))))
gg
Posted by corafree on September 20, 2006, at 16:05:35
In reply to Re: SOMEBUTTIES HELPED ME, BUTT **trigger** » corafree, posted by gardenergirl on September 20, 2006, at 15:07:57
Just called my PCP, P, and caseworker.
Will have some apple juice and supplements, just rest.
ushouldget$4this, cf
This is the end of the thread.
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