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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ron1953 on April 14, 2006, at 22:26:33
Nowhere really is a place. I know, because that's where I've been most of my life. Never quite fitting in. Always on the fringes. Depressed a lot of the time. At 53, I'm more lost than ever. I lost the most important things I ever had: my 27-year marriage, my 20-year career, my relationship with my brothers and my son. I have a new marriage now but that's failing; depression'll do that. I haven't worked steadily in 5 years! My depression, melancholy, lethargy continue to worsen. I've tried dozens of meds, had years of therapy, read lots of books. But I'm more clueless than ever. To say I have no faith in a "cure" would be an understatement. And now there's a new dimension to my depression; physical symptoms. Where do I go from nowhere? I'm not suicidal; I just wish for an end to this misery.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 15, 2006, at 0:24:46
In reply to Where do I go from nowhere?, posted by ron1953 on April 14, 2006, at 22:26:33
Oh ron,
I'm so sorry to hear that your so miserable. And about your marriage. It was so special to hear about how that developed. I hope that things start to look up. My husband and I recently started marriage counseling, and it's been good for us. Our T said that it's good we came in before things got really bad and before it got to any kind of crisis point. She said too many couples wait til it's usually too late. I hope that's the not the case for you two.Have you been to your doctor lately to check out your symptoms? Could there be something going on with your thyroid or blood sugar that's new? And I know how frustrating it is when depression comes back after you've tried so many things. It's such a helpless feeling. There are new meds coming out all the time, and new combinations. Maybe there's something for you that isn't all the way to a "cure", but would offer you some significant relief?
Take care. I'm glad you posted.
gg
Posted by Phillipa on April 15, 2006, at 0:45:27
In reply to Re: Where do I go from nowhere? » ron1953, posted by gardenergirl on April 15, 2006, at 0:24:46
gg don't know whose in charge Maybe the meds board just a suggestion Seems to be heading that way. Love Phillipa
Posted by ron1953 on April 15, 2006, at 17:26:30
In reply to Re: Where do I go from nowhere? » ron1953, posted by gardenergirl on April 15, 2006, at 0:24:46
Nice to hear from you, gg. I did have a regular checkup - everything is OK. I'm not having relationship problems, per se. It's just that the relationship is just another casualty of depression. I tried a couple of different ADs recently - no help. I'm in the third week of a drug-co-sponsered clinical trial - no help so far (also involved a checkup and blood work that was negative). They pay for everything (helps our budget) and will pay for 2 months of followup treatment if the trial med doesn't work. So I'll get to try something else after 4-8 weeks. BUT I really don't have much faith. I think my past years of pot use are catching up with me. I just want the discomfort to go away.
Posted by verne on April 16, 2006, at 12:02:47
In reply to Re: Where do I go from nowhere?gg, posted by ron1953 on April 15, 2006, at 17:26:30
I'm in the same boat, Ron. Older and more depressed. I had just been rehearsing what to say to my doctor next week when I read your post. I have similar thoughts.
I'm sure I've made things worse with alcohol. I feel like I've aged more in the last year than in the previous ten. I can't imagine growing old like this.
Sorry I'm not much help. Have you thought about a new drug, Emsam - a transdermal patch for depression? It's an MAO inhibitor without the dietary restrictions. Check the thread on the main board, one poster is into his second week with good results.
I may suggest Emsam to my doctor but he tends to dismiss anything I come up with. I'm seeing an MD since there are no psychiatrists in the area and the nearest VA clinic is over 80 miles away. Past pdocs did recommend MAO inhibitors for me but I was too concerned about side effects.
I'm in a conservative part of the Midwest where doctors simply won't treat anxiety or pain. A lot of needless suffering. I really need to get out of this place but I'm not emotionally up to making a move. So instead I think about getting my affairs in order.
In brighter moments, I think about doing several self-help projects: egoscue exercises, meditation, light yoga, staying sober, doing the Borderline Skills course, reading scripture or anything inspirational, and hiking in a nearby park. I would add "take acid" to the list if it were legal.
I'm glad you posted. Perhaps, there's help for us.
Verne
Posted by Fi on April 16, 2006, at 16:33:26
In reply to Where do I go from nowhere?, posted by ron1953 on April 14, 2006, at 22:26:33
I havent posted here for years, so apologies in advance for not knowing about you.
I just wanted to say that I know that feeling of not having anything go right for you, and still being depressed after trying all sorts of things. My life is different from yours re relationships. But the rest is very familiar. Personally, I just focus on getting through the day. If there is something I actually enjoy or find interesting, I make the most of it (everything from listening to bird song to trashy TV).
I dont know where I heard it, but I often follow the line that 'some days just have to be got thru'. I swap between being horrified about how much of my life has gone by and wishing all the slog was over (like you, not suicidal). As others have said, there may some wonderful treatment one day. But personally, I'm not expecting it. Just getting thru the days..
Take care.
Fi
Posted by Phillipa on April 16, 2006, at 18:52:26
In reply to Re: Where do I go from nowhere? » ron1953, posted by Fi on April 16, 2006, at 16:33:26
If you're referring to age I feel the same way. For the younger posters I'm sure they will see many cures for depression, Cancer, and all the other medical conditions there is no cure for yet. But what's out there now is all that's left. So I can empathize with you. If I'm wrong about the age thing please correct me. Love Phillipa
Posted by ron1953 on April 17, 2006, at 15:16:17
In reply to Where do I go from nowhere?, posted by ron1953 on April 14, 2006, at 22:26:33
Verne: I tried the MAOI Parnate about 1-1/2 years ago. I found, thru Babble, that the most-published dietary restrictions were wrong. I had no problems with tyramine reactions, with really no eating changes. I recall some mood improvement but I was experiencing a lot of sleepiness. That med trial also coincided with meeting my wife. So there was this wonderful novelty which energized me. So I stopped the Parnate; maybe I didn’t give it long enough. Maybe I’ll ask about Emsam when my current trial is over (I don’t think the current med, Seroquel SR, is gonna succeed). Oh – and acid would be cool.
Fi: That’s pretty much it; just getting thru the days (daze?). I spend a considerable amount of mental energy NOT thinking about things because I can’t come up with any answers. I haven’t posted for more than a year – nice to meet ya.
Phillipa: Hmmm – the age thing……. I don’t feel cheated thinking that there are so few years left for some new cure to be discovered. Many sources say that the new Ads have no greater a success rate than older ones. For me the age thing is that I’ve been trying to fix my life for so long that I have every reason to believe that it’s too late. Thus, I’m doomed to misery for the rest of my life.
Often I feel that all I have is a past; no future.
One more thing: I was taking Klonopin for over 7 years until 11/05, when I stopped and went thru the horrors of withdrawal. I'm glad I stopped but wonder what the long-term effects are. I kinda feel there are some lingering problems, though I don't want to ever take benzos again. I'm kinda pissed at my former shrink for prescribing it for so long.
Thanks to all.Ron
Posted by Phillipa on April 17, 2006, at 15:52:17
In reply to Where do I go from nowhere?, posted by ron1953 on April 14, 2006, at 22:26:33
You sound very depressed. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by verne on April 18, 2006, at 10:19:07
In reply to Re: Where do I go from nowhere?, posted by ron1953 on April 17, 2006, at 15:16:17
Another approach to depression is to change our thinking, break habits, and change our brain chemistry. Saw an author on CSPAN's Booknotes give a talk about neuroplasticity - how activities and patterns of behavior actually change the brain physically.
I finally ordered the book, "The Mind and the Brain" by Jeffrey Schwartz. Seems like I've read or heard from many different sources that activities like meditation cause positive changes in the brain.
I'm struggling with atypical depression and borderline behavior: oversleeping, overeating, and addictions to alcohol, pornography, spending and so forth. I can see how these "habits" have changed me. I'm in such a rut - and it's getting deeper.
I used to meditate, exercise, read scripture, do a little yoga, and think pornography was a Tammy's "Buns of Steel" aeorbics tape. Now I'm deep into European "fine photography" and frying my brain. I barely know what I'm looking at any more.
So I was thinking my first project ought to be changing my activities - starting with pornography - not out of prudishness or religion - but simply because I know deep down it's barking up the wrong tree. Just not healthy for me.
I think much of my depression is my lack of perspective. It's hard to "see" when you're up to your neck in a self-made rut. Another fantasy fest with "Zuzanna", another 200 images, and the rut is deeper the next day.
I guess the studies suggest patterns can be broken in 21-40 days. Of course the brain will change gradually every day but it might be easier to approach the problem like it's a 3 week vacation from whatever it is you're trying to stop doing. (did that sentence tire you out as much as it did me?)
But I don't think anything can be eliminated without replacing it with something. I'm hoping mediation, exercise, and reading will help immensely. Right now, I'm so visual. I'm so caught up in my senses, I can't stop this runaway train and get back to the moment.
Anyway, I've tried the old way and it didn't work. I think it's time for a change. All I need is a new brain.
Verne
Posted by verne on April 19, 2006, at 21:00:50
In reply to Re: Where do I go from nowhere?, posted by verne on April 18, 2006, at 10:19:07
Since this thread is dead, I'll just use it for my diary without fear of anyone seeing it.
I feel like there's hope again. Saw my MD this morning, my weight was up 10lbs, blood pressure higher than ever, and I finally told him how it really be. I finally revealed the constant torment I'm living in.
I came away with a prescription for klonopin and a higher dose of inderal LA (120mgs) for the high blood pressure. I just hope 120 isn't too much and I'm able to function. I know the klonopin will finally give me relief for the anxiety though. When I used to take benzos I was actually more outgoing and able to function better around people. And I went years without drinking.
I should be happy but I feel guilty and anxious. My doctor had a pained look on his face and I felt like a disobedient child. I was wrong for being depressed. Wrong for not going out of the house for 5 months. Wrong for gaining weight. Wrong for having crippling anxiety.
Usually I try to *please* him and put the best face on my life, telling him what he wants to hear. Instead, this morning, I actually prayed before he walked into the examing room. Something like, "Please lord, give me the strength to not put on my usual act to please the doctor." I also asked for the strength to let go, to surrender, and not *expect* anything or try to manipulate the outcome of the doctor's visit.
So I just let it all hang out, not caring how the doc took it. I was prepared to leave the office with nothing and he prescribed klonopin of all things! He did insist I make an appointment to see a pdoc which is a bit of a hassle. But he assured me he would continue to treat me with inderal and klonopin. He wasn't willing to try emsam but I suppose I could give cymbalta another whirl down the road.
Cymbalta is better than any other AD I've tried but I came to realize it always led to drinking. I was on and off the stuff, dealing with multiple side effects, but I couldn't go 2 weeks without drinking. Cymbalta somehow heats the body and it somehow always reached a critical mass after a few weeks that resulted in dangerous levels of drinking. I discovered I could drink 18 beers in one evening and still look for more whereas I used to get smashed after about 9.
I see the doctor again in two weeks. I want to make an effort to lose some weight and get in better shape by then. This will involve getting out of my comfort zone. I may even go to church. Not for *religious* reasons but just to overcome my fear of being around people. If God zaps me, all the better.
Verne
Posted by zazenduck on April 21, 2006, at 10:34:52
In reply to Sorry I Killed this Thread, posted by verne on April 19, 2006, at 21:00:50
I hope things are ok with you.
Posted by Phillipa on April 21, 2006, at 20:24:58
In reply to Sorry I Killed this Thread, posted by verne on April 19, 2006, at 21:00:50
Please where is his diary I lost it. Thanks Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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