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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on July 22, 2005, at 22:52:26
I don't think I've come to terms with being "different"...you see? I can't even use the word ***ally *ll here. I dunno, are personality disorders even considered true "disorders"? Is it serious?
Most of the time I'm absolutely convinced that I'm completely normal but just a little quirky/emotional, but then something like what happened the day before yesterday happens and I'm not so sure anymore. :-(
I'm just curious, do most people here believe they are ok? How does one deal with being "different"?
I just can't stand it. I would rather think it is everyone else who is insane. :-)
I just cannot for the life of me think of how I got the way I am today...my childhood wasn't horrible...the horror came from within myself. I think I have some serious re-wiring to do. :-(
Deneb
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on July 23, 2005, at 10:43:45
In reply to Coming to terms with being different, posted by Deneb on July 22, 2005, at 22:52:26
Its very hard coming to terms with being 'different' - I myself am starting to realise just how much being 'different' has affected my life. After about 3 to 4 years on and off various ADs I am begining to realise that its more than 'just a phase' and that this is a true illness.
I think of all the things I could have done if only I weren't ill - people at univerisity who I was just as clever as are now doing all these great things with their lives like PhDs, masters and have professional jobs, getting married etc. Meanwhile I struggle merely to exist with daily life and have an admin job that I am overqualified to do.
I get very frustrated - why me? Why do I have to be m******y ill?
I'm begining to doubt that I will ever get properly better. It will always be there, hanging over our heads limiting everything we do.
Posted by Deneb on July 23, 2005, at 23:42:33
In reply to Re: Coming to terms with being different, posted by Meri-Tuuli on July 23, 2005, at 10:43:45
> I think of all the things I could have done if only I weren't ill - people at univerisity who I was just as clever as are now doing all these great things with their lives like PhDs, masters and have professional jobs, getting married etc. Meanwhile I struggle merely to exist with daily life and have an admin job that I am overqualified to do.
This really sucks. I hate having a BPD, there isn't even a way to treat it. I'm really starting to think that this will be the end of me, not today or tomorrow, but soon. I hate this. My life is ruined. My wishes for a meaningful career may as well be over and done with. I'm never going to make it. People will never understand me and I will always end up ruining things or embarrassing the heck out of myself by going insane over tiny little things that don't make sense to people.
There is nothing for me...all is hopeless. Meds do not work because there isn't anything wrong with me. DBT is the only real treatment and there is no guarantee that it would work. I also cannot even get access to anything like that. So, I guess this is it. Just gotta wait for death now I suppose.
> I get very frustrated - why me? Why do I have to be m******y ill?
Yes indeed...why me? My disorder isn't even a "real" mental illness...just my luck to be stuck with something so utterly hopeless.
> I'm begining to doubt that I will ever get properly better.
Me too, and worst yet, for me there is no "better" to get to...this is who I am. I just hope to have some fun times before I die. I knew this would happen again. I know I will be happy as can be and then the next thing people know, I will be dead.
Deneb
Posted by NikkiT2 on July 24, 2005, at 4:37:38
In reply to Re: Not coming to terms w/being diff *trigger*, posted by Deneb on July 23, 2005, at 23:42:33
Deneb,
There ARE ways to treat BPD, but you have to be ready to accept the treatment, to fight for it, and to work *really* hard at making yourself well.
DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) has had very good results..
CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) worked wonders with me..There are meds that will hepl control some of the symptons.. Zyprexa in a lowish dose really helped control my suicidal urges and ideation - not perfectly, but it stopped it being a 24/7 obsession.. some anti depressents can help.. but its all trial and error while you find something that will help *you*.
I now have a really great career taking off (I had one before, but then didn't work for 4 years, and in IT, 4 years is forever).. I got heavily involved in the "service user" movement.. fighting stigma (such as its not treatable) against BPD.. I got a low level job through that in the end (admin and IT support), but now I hope to be going on to bigger and better things (My hopeful ne wjob would be a Projet manager for Personality Disorder Services).
Unfortunately, when you have BPD, you do tend to need to fight for good treatment.. But that fight can be enough to keep you going if that makes sense.
Your life is not over.. Its only just beginning for you. Yes, there will be struggles, but you'll come out a much stronger person for it. Start educating yoruself about BPD, find an online support group for BPD, find even a real time support group in your area..
Don't give up.. I can give you SO many examples of very succesful people with BPD..
Nikki x
Posted by alexandra_k on July 24, 2005, at 6:04:19
In reply to Re: Not coming to terms w/being diff *trigger* » Deneb, posted by NikkiT2 on July 24, 2005, at 4:37:38
Posted by Deneb on July 24, 2005, at 12:29:29
In reply to Re: Not coming to terms w/being diff *trigger* » Deneb, posted by NikkiT2 on July 24, 2005, at 4:37:38
> I now have a really great career taking off (I had one before, but then didn't work for 4 years, and in IT, 4 years is forever)..
That's really terrific that you were able to learn to overcome your difficulties. I'm not sure I can though...I also have at times severe social anxiety. I'm afraid to even take the steps to find help. Phoning people etc. is difficult for me. I'm not good with approaching people at all. I want to avoid everything. I wish I could sleep my days away. :-(
Thanks for the support though, I'm not sure it all applies to me.
Posted by NikkiT2 on July 24, 2005, at 13:28:49
In reply to Re: Not coming to terms w/being diff *trigger* » NikkiT2, posted by Deneb on July 24, 2005, at 12:29:29
Avoidance is something I used to do SO much.. for 2 years I was virtually entirely house bound.. and if I didn't know the phone number on the phones display, there is no way I would have answered it..
It like I had to relearn how to be human all over again.. I knew I couldn't live the life I was living, and so pushed and pushed.. how ever hard something felt, or however much I didn't want to do it, I really pushed myself. It was hard.. really really hard.. and there were times I didn't succeed.. but over the preiod of a few years it started getting much easier.. and noticing that me, just stupid fat me, could actually change things, that I could actually make something is what really pushed me on harder to get where I am now..
I have friends who have been an awful lot more ill than you, an awful lot more manipulative, suicidal and unable to live than you.. nearly all of them are alive, surviving and out there fighting and making changes.. Some will probably never be able to work full time, but they do their bit for others and it really satisfies them.
I've been here through the worst of mine, and some of the worst has been documented here..
I warn you, I can counter *every* argument you can think of as to why you "can't get better" *grins*
the biggest question is though, do you *want* to get better?? OK, I'm going to open up alot here as I thinks its quite an important lesson..
I *enjoyed* being ill. I enjoyed being able to focus in on my illness. I enjoyed saying "I can't do that, I have BPD", or "I am allowed to do this as I have BPD".. I enjoyed having people check I was OK. I enjoyed being able to moan that there was no treatment for me (we have very long waiting lists here in the UK). I enjoyed being able to complain about side effects of meds. Basically, I enjoyed the attention it got me.
Then the CBT came up.. I was so so sure it wouldn't help me.. I didn't take it seriously at all.. but suddenly, after quite some time (6 months or more) it started to have some effect.. I started finding some things easier.. I started finding it easier to tell my psychologist the problems I was facing.. And facing the problems and over coming them became easier..
Getting better isn't easy.. I'm not going to kid you on that.. but you know you have to try.. and you have to give you life chance..
Hang in there.. you're not a freak, and this IS treatable..
Nikki xx
Posted by Deneb on July 24, 2005, at 16:29:54
In reply to Re: Not coming to terms w/being diff *trigger* » Deneb, posted by NikkiT2 on July 24, 2005, at 13:28:49
> Avoidance is something I used to do SO much.. for 2 years I was virtually entirely house bound.. and if I didn't know the phone number on the phones display, there is no way I would have answered it..
I'm virtually house bound now. My life consists of sleep, work and online interactions. When I'm at school my life consists of classes, studying, freaking out and sleep. I have *no* social life outside of online interactions...how sad is that?
> It like I had to relearn how to be human all over again..I think I know what you mean, except in my case I've never learned to be "human" in the first place.
>I knew I couldn't live the life I was living, and so pushed and pushed.. how ever hard something felt, or however much I didn't want to do it, I really pushed myself.
I'm just not sure where to get determination from. :-(
> I have friends who have been an awful lot more ill than you, an awful lot more manipulative, suicidal and unable to live than you.. nearly all of them are alive, surviving and out there fighting and making changes..
I noticed you used the word "nearly" there. I just can't help but wonder if I'm going to be a part of the 1 in 10 who kill themselves. Those are some pretty sad statistics.
> I warn you, I can counter *every* argument you can think of as to why you "can't get better" *grins*
Hmmm...I hope so. ;-)
> the biggest question is though, do you *want* to get better??
I think you're on to something there. I think I like having an excuse to avoid things. I avoid unpleasant things and it only leads to more anxiety and grief for me. I think I enjoy the excitement too...the morbid thoughts and the dark fantasies. I acknowledge that I do seem to need a lot of attention when people give it to me. I've written about it more than once.
I also noticed that I did extremely well when I truly believed that there was nothing wrong with me. I do better when I'm busy too...I don't feel bored and spend my time thinking horrible thoughts.
>OK, I'm going to open up alot here as I thinks its quite an important lesson..
>
> I *enjoyed* being ill. I enjoyed being able to focus in on my illness. I enjoyed saying "I can't do that, I have BPD", or "I am allowed to do this as I have BPD".. I enjoyed having people check I was OK. I enjoyed being able to moan that there was no treatment for me (we have very long waiting lists here in the UK). I enjoyed being able to complain about side effects of meds. Basically, I enjoyed the attention it got me.I've a lot to learn, but I think sometimes I start to "get" it. It will take a lot of getting used to.
Thanks Nikki
Deneb
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