![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by octopusprime on August 8, 2004, at 9:25:38
i've made a new friend. this is great, right?
well i feel like i shared too much too soon. we had a really heavy conversation about mental illness and it just cut a little bit too close to home and i got really upset (to the point of tears). and i told her about my friend that went missing (we were sitting at the beach adjacent to the lands where he went missing). she suspects something about me, but she doesn't know what the problem really is, i never told her.
i don't want to tell her. i haven't told anybody in real life i went back to treatment - not my mom or my sister or my old friends. i don't want to spoil my good mood for them. my out-of-control behaviour mostly manifests itself at work, but i think they're all nuts too and i haven't told anybody at work that i'm being treated either. (plus different people see different behaviours so they'd really have to sit down and compare notes to put it all together). it's like if i'm not depressed, and i can still get up and carry on like nothing happened for now, i should be able to carry this on my own.
but i can't. i need to tell people. and i just wound up hinting it to this woman i met only a few months ago and just barely know. what am i doing? am i going to ruin this friendship?
she's the girlfriend of somebody else i know. the three of us see each other every thursday in a group setting with several others. and now he might know too, but i told her to "use her best judgement" in sharing. i don't exactly want this to get back to everybody else in the group.
how do you decide what to share and when to share it? and how do you keep it from spilling out in less than ideal situations?
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2004, at 14:59:36
In reply to sharing with new friends, posted by octopusprime on August 8, 2004, at 9:25:38
It's a tough call, I think. And one that I never negotiated well, so I usually just don't share.
My therapist says it's a process of disclosure and counterdisclosure, and that you can judge whether you're disclosing the appropriate amount by the amount of reciprocal disclosure.
But I have plenty of people I know that disclose incredibly intimate things to me without any reciprocal disclosure on my side, and I don't find it distressing.
Posted by JenStar on August 8, 2004, at 22:55:34
In reply to sharing with new friends, posted by octopusprime on August 8, 2004, at 9:25:38
hi Octopus,
it sounds like you really want and need a friend to confide in, and it's cool that you have the courage to reach out and 'try out' this person to see if she has what it takes to be your friend and be there for you.For me, it's always a bit nervewracking to trade confidences with someone at first, because it's kind of new and we're still building the trust.
I usually use my gut to help me decide. If I get a sort of sick "what the he** did I tell them THAT for!?" feeling, it means that I might have given too much too soon, or I had a subconscious suspicion that this person might not be trustworthy, or that this person might not really understand.
Like Dinah, I tend to withhold really personal things (I think that's what Dinah said!) except from a handful of close, very trusted friends. I've made the mistake of telling too much to a blabbermouth friend and learned the hard way!
But I really, really give you a lot of credit for reaching out. I guess the only way to make friends is to put yourself out there and work at it, like you'd work at any other task (work, learning a skill, etc.) I hope this person is worthy of you. And if she isn't, there def. IS a good friend out there for you!
If you are worried she will tell others, I'd recommend talking to her again and saying something like "I know I said 'use your judgement' but in retrospect, the things we talked about are highly personal and private to me, and I'd really like to keep them between us. If you've already told your boyfriend I understand, but please don't tell anyone else. And please ask him to do the same." Her response to you will give you a good marker for whether she's the kind of person who will turn into a good, true friend.
Good luck!
JenStar
Posted by octopusprime on August 9, 2004, at 22:28:00
In reply to Re: sharing with new friends » octopusprime, posted by Dinah on August 8, 2004, at 14:59:36
thanks guys, that's something to think about
i can't really say there was counterdisclosure, but there was in a way - it (mental illness) is an issue she's struggling with (she said openly) with some people that she knows ... but she wouldn't say specifically who ... which makes me think that i do know who it is but she has a non-disclosure agreement with that person ... so it's tricky
i feel like alice, i fell down the rabbit hole, i'm not quite sure which way is up ...
you're right jenstar, i am looking to talk, but i still don't feel safe or trust people ... i guess it all comes with time ...
i feel better about it today though ... something about other things on the mind minimizing this stress ...
Posted by JenStar on August 11, 2004, at 2:33:03
In reply to Re: sharing with new friends jenstar and » Dinah, posted by octopusprime on August 9, 2004, at 22:28:00
hi octopusprime,
how's it going? Have you talked to this friend since you posted? How's the relationship going?JenStar
> thanks guys, that's something to think about
>
> i can't really say there was counterdisclosure, but there was in a way - it (mental illness) is an issue she's struggling with (she said openly) with some people that she knows ... but she wouldn't say specifically who ... which makes me think that i do know who it is but she has a non-disclosure agreement with that person ... so it's tricky
>
> i feel like alice, i fell down the rabbit hole, i'm not quite sure which way is up ...
>
> you're right jenstar, i am looking to talk, but i still don't feel safe or trust people ... i guess it all comes with time ...
>
> i feel better about it today though ... something about other things on the mind minimizing this stress ...
Posted by octopusprime on August 13, 2004, at 10:25:30
In reply to Re: sharing with new friends jenstar and » octopusprime, posted by JenStar on August 11, 2004, at 2:33:03
jen,
i just talked to her last night. everything is cool. i didn't get any funny looks from her boyfriend, who was there, and no weird comments (but i think he is a little jealous of our friendship!). everything is cool.
of course i had a cursed week from the devil (my grandpa died and somebody tried to steal my car, on top of work stress) so i told her about that. but then again i tell everybody that because i think i sort of like having pity parties that are all about ME! heh.
so i think everything's fine ... i hope
thanks for your support
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.