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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 5:41:40
I barely have the energy to type this, but I've found so much comfort and compassion at these boards that I turn to you all for some sense of friendship, since in my life I have none. I feel like I can't depend on anyone. Or rather, I depend on everyone and they all let me down. It seems like no one has time for me. I can't do anything or get anything done and feel like a complete failure. I'm so depressed and I don't even know exactly why. Life has lost its colors, everything is just far away and out of reach. Inside I hurt so much and long for anything that can take away the pain even for a little while. I don't have any kind of stregnth to withstand the bad things. I feel like I crashed and landed on the asphalt, laying there, paralyzed with people just staring at me, and walking by. I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to make anyone's life worse. I don't want to bother, or burden anyone. I see the years and years of therapy piling up like a stack of dusty books and desperately want to see some progress, but instead I just feel the problems are growing even bigger and I'm slipping even deeper into the hole. Everything hurts, from top to toe. Nobody can help me. And then if I choose to expose myself through these words, the end result is simply that I'm just being pathetic, and giving in, and its just a hysterically humorous apocalyptic view of everything. I feel so alone in the world, and I can't do anything to help myself. I don't want to lay in bed anymore and cry in pain. I don't want to be passive and give up, but I don't have any resources left. I really am all alone. I don't want to bring you all down but this is it, the last place I've got where anyone cares.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 13, 2004, at 8:28:30
In reply to Losing it, posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 5:41:40
Elton John said that to me dear...
I'm sorry you are feeling so blue right now. I know that personally during therapy, when I started feeling blue, it was the worst I had ever felt. Can you call your therapist and talk about it?
I'm sorry I won't be able to respond because I'm leaving (just didn't want you to think I was ignoring you), but I wanted to get this quick note out before I left. You are cared about. There are people who love you. And you are very special. I know when you are feeling down, it's very hard to see that, or think it or even feel that it's true. But, with the energy and excitement you have in your posts, how could that not shine through to those around you? If I were there, I'd feed you ice cream (New York Super Fudge, Ben and Jerry's), and I'd keep your feet warm, and we'd see the museums and laugh at the tourists together...(we can be mean soemtimes, it's ok.).. Can you do these things on your own? I'm sure you make better company than I do. Why not try (and I know it's hard) to distract yourself when you start feeling this way? Ice cream and a good flick (Breakfast at Tiffany's) is a wonderful distraction... Take care of yourself, because I know that I would if I were there... I'm sure Sir Elton John would too...And when I get back, I want you in a wonderful mood, ok :) (or, if not, I'll work really, really hard to put you there.. how's that for a promise?)
take care sweetie and don't let your negative thoughts get to you.
kkPS, are you on meds? Mine saved my life, literally! Why not give your pdoc a call for a med adjustment if they aren't working properly. Sometimes just a small adjustment makes all the difference in the world.
Posted by Susan J on March 13, 2004, at 11:10:58
In reply to Losing it, posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 5:41:40
Hi,
I don't know you very well, although I've read some of your posts. But I want you to KNOW you are NOT a burden, you are NOT hurting anyone, you have every right to hold out a hand asking for some help. We all do.
>>the end result is simply that I'm just being pathetic, and giving in,
<<You are NOT pathetic. It's the depression talking. I wish I could say or do something to ease that pain, a pain I know all too well. The only thing I can suggest is to see someone different perhaps, with a different approach to helping to treat depression. Different meds? I know how overwhelming it is to just even make an appointment, but it is worth a try.>>I really am all alone. I don't want to bring you all down but this is it, the last place I've got where anyone cares.
I'm not eloquent enough to say it, but Peter Gabriel was: :-)
"no fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
but no one wants you when you lose""don't give up
'cause you have friends
don't give up
you're not the only one
don't give up
no reason to be ashamed
don't give up
you still have us
don't give up now
we're proud of who you are
don't give up
you know it's never been easy
don't give up
'cause I believe there's the a place
there's a place where we belong"S.
Posted by pegasus on March 13, 2004, at 11:35:04
In reply to Losing it, posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 5:41:40
Hi TD,
I was so sad to read your post, but I'm really glad that you wrote it and let us know. That's a really good step. You are not pathetic, and not a burden. This kind of thing is the reason we are all here.
I am so sorry that you are in the "really lows". I'm a little too familiar with that myself. To me it feels like I'm wearing a suit of cement (cold, wet, heavy, isolating), and that doing the slightest thing is too much work. And yet, I think all of us who have been there have eventually come out of it and been able to enjoy life again. I am sending you lots of positive energy, hoping that you will shed your cement clothing soon and become able to enjoy the things you've enjoyed in the past.
I agree with the other posters that it might be a good time to give your pdoc or T a call. It is not being a burden to them. That is their profession, and you are surely not the first person to ask them for help from this really awful place. And I agree that even small medication adjustments can make a big difference.
Please post whenever you can. We'll help you get through this.
(((TD)))
- p
Posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 11:36:50
In reply to hold me closer, » tinydancer, posted by Karen_kay on March 13, 2004, at 8:28:30
Thanks for dropping me a line. This place isn't quite as jampacked on the weekends. Does that mean others have lives?
Remind me when you started therapy with Bubba? I can't contact my T during the weekend. He is only available Monday-Friday. If I were really desperate I would just end up getting admitted, and nobody wants that. Thankfully I do have my appointment on Monday, so I've only got another day to trudge through.
Thank you for your words. They meant a lot. I am so glad you're coming with the Ben and Jerry's because I need some, big time. That would definitley solve all my problems!
What I managed to do was to try to turn off the pain signal in me, to stop drowning myself in it, and go to sleep. Afterwards I actually felt better. Planning on talking the husband into an evening filled with ice cream, pizza and film rentals.
I am on meds, but if you recall the devils spawned Depo Provera shot I just got, (yeah, that one, the one that's ruining my life at the moment) It seems to be Depo wreaking havoc at the present, so there isn't much to do really. I'm on the max dose of Zoloft, which usually does the trick nicely. Otherwise I'll go in and see the doctor to check with him if there is anything I can take or anything to adjust in the meantime.
Thank you for piping up, have fun wherever it is you're off too, and I'll get to working on that carb consumption pronto.....
Posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 11:38:27
In reply to Don't Give Up :-) » tinydancer, posted by Susan J on March 13, 2004, at 11:10:58
What you said is so important for me to hear. Sometimes we need others to point this out for us. Thank you for the beautiful and poignant lyrics. I love song lyrics too.
It's nice to know someone cares....
Posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 11:43:49
In reply to Re: Losing it, posted by pegasus on March 13, 2004, at 11:35:04
Hi Peg.
I liked what you said about being glad that I wrote about how badly I was doing. That sort of opened my eyes about this problem I have with thinking I'm burdening people.
I think what hurts the most is this last week has been a total rollercoaster of emotions. I was on top of the world Monday. (Remember my "I want it to last and last" post?) It's almost embarassing to witness the vulnerability of my emotional states.
Sadly I cannot contact my T on the weekend. I have an appointment on Monday. If I'm in a crisis I have to contact my doctor, which sucks because that just means:ADMIT TO PSYCH WARD.
And what more: It's his birthday today (!) I'm just trying to be strong and TRYING to go easy on myself, which is anything but easy.
Thanks for replying to my post, it makes me feel good to know people care about me.
Posted by Susan J on March 13, 2004, at 11:44:53
In reply to KarenK's coming to save me with BenJerrys in tow » Karen_kay, posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 11:36:50
Hi again. :-)
I just read your post to Karen Kay. How long does that stuff last? 3 months? Have you had it before?
I swear to God I am truthfully suicidal from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon the weekend before my period, and it's been like this since I changed birth control pill types. Clockwork suicidal tendencies. :-) But as horribly depressed as I get, I do now know it ends by Monday and I go back to my regular, now dysthymic life. I know the 3 months is a long time, but I hope it gives you some hope that it *will* end....
:-)
Susan
Posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 13:13:14
In reply to Depo Provera » tinydancer, posted by Susan J on March 13, 2004, at 11:44:53
It lasts 3 months. I've been on it for quite a few years now, with varying results. My husband claims this ALWAYS happens. In any case I'm done with it. This is not worth it. I can experiment with others and find something else that works better.
Posted by DaisyM on March 13, 2004, at 13:27:22
In reply to Losing it, posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 5:41:40
Deep breaths and small steps work for me. I think we all are afraid of the great big burden label but you aren't a burden, especially to those of us here. It is important to remember how much YOU give, so taking when you need it simply balances the scales. I'm glad you reached out.
Is there any small "thing" you can do that makes you feel better? For me, it has become baking. Especially for my kids. I love how my teenager comes into the kitchen with his nose wiggling, looking for the good smell coming from the oven. And the hugs I get for making his favorite. (Hey, maybe I've discovered the way to tame teens -- cinnamon and butter conconctions!)
Or take a really long shower. Or go shopping, if it isn't too overwhelming. I lose myself in the shoe department.
Or go to the library. It is quiet and solid. I feel safe in libraries.
Just know that things will get better and brighter, and it is totally ok to let others help you. And don't be embarressed about that emotional roller-coaster. We all seem to be on it at one time or another.
cyber-hug
Daisy
Posted by fallsfall on March 13, 2004, at 13:49:32
In reply to Re: Losing it, posted by DaisyM on March 13, 2004, at 13:27:22
Tiny,
I wish I could wave my magic wand and make you feel better.
Try to do things that you want to do, rather than things that you "have to" do, or "need to" do. Play a little.
I love swinging on swings in the park - the ones with the long chains so they go really high. Or color with crayons (they smell so good). Blow bubbles. Gee, all the things I like to do are little kid things.
Definately do the ice cream/video thing with your hubby.
Be good to yourself this weekend (all the "have to" stuff WILL wait).
Make sure that you tell your therapist how badly you have been feeling (even if you feel better by Monday).
Post here often - we do care!
Posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 13:56:44
In reply to Re: Losing it, posted by DaisyM on March 13, 2004, at 13:27:22
Thank you Daisy. I'm hitting the sack soon. Hoping for a better day tommorow. It doesn't help things when the sky is gray and its freezing cold and windy either!
I love your story about the baking. I LOVE cinnamon rolls. Yummy. Can you send me some?
Posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 13:57:41
In reply to Re: Losing it, posted by fallsfall on March 13, 2004, at 13:49:32
Thank you for pointing out the importance of bringing this up to my T on Monday. I had sort of forgotten that. I'm feeling a little better now, and going to bed soon. Thanks for the loving thoughts!!
Posted by octopusprime on March 13, 2004, at 16:13:50
In reply to Re: Losing it » pegasus, posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 11:43:49
i will make a birthday wish for you for peace and serenity
hold on there. if you are at all spiritual, it may be time to call for guidance. it helps me in tough times.
you're cared about and you're not alone. just thought i would reinforce the message :)
Posted by deirdrehbrt on March 13, 2004, at 21:17:37
In reply to Re: Losing it, posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 13:57:41
Hi Tinydancer,
I'm glad to hear that you sound better now. I know how excruciating the downs can be. It's good to have places and people that you can go to when you find yourself in these times.
My places have changed alot. I used to hang out at the bar at my favorite restaurant. Now on quite a few meds, I can't drink, and so the bar is kind of off limits.
I have some really good friends now, and I try not to see too many people who make me feel bad. It's not excaping, but I need to learn who I can be around and who I can't. If having a relationship with someone will cost me my life, then it's just not worth it. Some of the friends I had were quite toxic.
You will do the right thing, you are strong, and you have a wisdom within you that will point you in the right direction.
Dee.
Posted by Elle2021 on March 14, 2004, at 3:15:46
In reply to hold me closer, » tinydancer, posted by Karen_kay on March 13, 2004, at 8:28:30
I'm sorry you feel so bad right now. I'm kinda in the same situation. Please don't give up. I'd miss you terribly if you decided to. I always think that sleep helps, so if you can try to get some rest. Take a warm bath. Take a walk. Do you have any meds you can take? Are you taking them like you're supposed to? I know I get really depressed when I don't take my meds regularly. You know I'm here for you when you want to talk. I'm still wondering about your screen name. Tell me anything you want, I'll listen. I care about you.
Elle
Posted by tinydancer on March 14, 2004, at 5:04:19
In reply to ((((TinyDancer))))), posted by Elle2021 on March 14, 2004, at 3:15:46
>Do you have any meds you can take? Are you taking them like you're supposed to? I know I get really depressed when I don't take my meds regularly. You know I'm here for you when you want to talk. I'm still wondering about your screen name. Tell me anything you want, I'll listen. I care about you.
I care about you too, Elle. Thanks for responding to my post. I'm taking my meds for the most part as I'm supposed to. What I think right now is that the Depo shot has done me in. I've been trying to get rest, its just so exhausting being this depressed. I start to think about it, and get overwhelmed with everything.
You were wondering about my screen name? It's an old Elton John song, Tiny Dancer......."Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today..."I've got an appointment with my T tommorow. I've been thinking about emailing him to let him know I've been having a rough time and want to focus on that. I also ordered some books from Amazon. Yay. I even won something from Ebay, so I've soon got fun things coming in the mail, that's always fun. And my mom said she was going to send me some money to buy clothes for my little guy, and I love to shop, so that's nice....
Do you have the possibility of chatting now anywhere? Like at psychobabble open for example, or a chat program? I'm always buggin people about that, because I like to chat. If not, don't worry about it.
Posted by EscherDementian on March 15, 2004, at 12:59:44
In reply to KarenK's coming to save me with BenJerrys in tow » Karen_kay, posted by tinydancer on March 13, 2004, at 11:36:50
Try Ben's site
www.truemajority.com
This is the end of the thread.
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