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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 22:00:30
I've been wanting to call my ex-boyfriend lately. As a deterrent, I made a list of all the criticisms he had about me. Everything, the ones he said directly, and the ones I 'felt', even if I'm wrong about them. I read the list and asked myself if I want to hear any of these messages again. I ask myself whether any companionship I might get would be worth hearing these messages again. I'm still fighting off many of those messages because I let them get to me.
I have some of his paintings still. I thought it would be funny to package up the paintings and the list of criticisms and put in a note saying 'Here are your paintings and your criticisms. I'm returning them all.' and send it to him. A poetic end.
Except I won't actually do it because I don't want to invite any contact.
Posted by fallsfall on December 14, 2003, at 22:30:19
In reply to A List of Criticisms, posted by tabitha on December 14, 2003, at 22:00:30
Posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 0:50:34
In reply to Kara - Tabitha is wise (nm), posted by fallsfall on December 14, 2003, at 22:30:19
this isn't about Kara. I've never cut a guy off like this before. It's torture. Between feeling like I'm being cold for doing this (one of his criticisms BTW) and just feeling miserable to pass on his offer of friendship when I'm sooooo lonely, it's just awful. I had a moment of glee out of the notion of sending back the list of criticisms along with his stuff is all. If only that would get the whole thing out of my mind.
Posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 1:38:31
In reply to Re: Kara - Tabitha is wise, posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 0:50:34
did that sound snippy? I can't tell. Not seeing things too clearly right now. I should take zen's advice and not try to figure anything out until after holidays. It's crazy season. I'll just wash some pots. That can't go wrong.
Posted by Dinah on December 15, 2003, at 2:17:00
In reply to Re: Kara - Tabitha is wise, posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 0:50:34
Dating is dating. Trying each other on for size. You didn't cut him off coldly. You decided that he wasn't the right fit. Maybe a few years ago, he would have been the right fit for you as you were then. (no offense, Tabitha. I didn't know you then. I'm just going by what you said.) Maybe a few years from now he would have been the right fit for you now. But you just weren't in the same place in your evolution.
No harm, no foul. If he had been able to move the relationship back to pure friendship with no hard feelings, I'm sure you wouldn't have minded. One of my best friends is a guy who wasn't a good match.
Don't take more responsibility than you deserve.
Posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 4:05:17
In reply to Re: Tabitha is too kind, posted by Dinah on December 15, 2003, at 2:17:00
maybe I should write out my responses to the list of criticisms. Probably more useful than a dramatic gesture like burning it or mailing it back to him with his stuff. Like... I am not cold and unloving. Though I withdraw at times, I feel deeply and form longlasting attachments. Etc etc, all down the long list.
Posted by fallsfall on December 15, 2003, at 8:21:39
In reply to Re: Kara - Tabitha is wise, posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 0:50:34
Tabitha,
My comment for Kara was meant to be a compliment to you. I'm sorry if I didn't put enough words in the post to make that clear.
I certainly didn't mean to minimize the pain or difficulty that you feel. I thought that your technique was really smart. Writing out the criticisms helps to focus on how painful the relationship was. Asking if you want to hear them again reinforces that things aren't likely to change. Sending them to him is a wonderful picture - you are refusing to accept his criticisms. And not really sending them to avoid contact is so, so wise.
I addressed my post to Kara because it seems to me that she is experiencing some of the same types of pain that you are - Needing to let someone go, but needing to have them stay. Each of you are different, but I saw some commonality in your experiences - this is just from my viewpoint. I could be totally offbase. I thought your techniques and attitude could be useful for Kara. And I wanted her to see that others have similar pain.
So I was trying to point out your useful suggestions to her, and compliment you on your creativeness.
I do recognize that you came to this place in much distress and I really hope that your ideas were helpful in giving you some relief. I certainly didn't want to add to your distress by making you feel misunderstood or minimizing the significance of your situation. I apologize for that.
Hoping this makes things a little better???
Falls
Posted by madwand on December 15, 2003, at 14:28:01
In reply to Re: Tabitha is too kind, posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 4:05:17
> maybe I should write out my responses to the list of criticisms. Probably more useful than a dramatic gesture like burning it or mailing it back to him with his stuff. Like... I am not cold and unloving. Though I withdraw at times, I feel deeply and form longlasting attachments. Etc etc, all down the long list.
Just a though Tabitha, but wouldn't writing out a list of responses tend to "validate" the criticism in a way? I liked your original idea -- just give them back to him! Kind of like you with your parents in Bradshaw inner child work -- a way of saying they were always "his" to begin with and never yours.
"If one does not accept a gift, then to whom does the gift belong?". "Why, to the giver of course." "Then if you do not accept someone's abuse, to whom does it belong?"Michael
Posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 15:53:55
In reply to What I was trying to say.., posted by fallsfall on December 15, 2003, at 8:21:39
> Hoping this makes things a little better???
> FallsThanks. I'm sorry I got snippy from your innocent remark. You've been so thoughtful and supportive to me always-- I felt like an idiot as soon as I replied. I was just having an oversensitive moment.
Posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 15:58:19
In reply to Re: Tabitha is too kind » tabitha, posted by madwand on December 15, 2003, at 14:28:01
excellent way to perceive it. But I did let many of the criticisms in. Faulty boundaries. I'm more likely to reject compliments and accept criticism. Several of his criticisms uncannily echoed my own self-doubts, so some of them were already mine to begin with.
Posted by madwand on December 15, 2003, at 16:22:45
In reply to Re: Tabitha is too kind » madwand, posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 15:58:19
> excellent way to perceive it. But I did let many of the criticisms in. Faulty boundaries. I'm more likely to reject compliments and accept criticism. Several of his criticisms uncannily echoed my own self-doubts, so some of them were already mine to begin with.
I hear you! 'Signficant others' sure know how to find those (or quickly figure it out :)). One of my biggest challenges in my 12-Step inventory was to identify the ones that had some validity to them and separate out the "charge" my ex imbued them with (I found I couldn't face/accept a genuine fault and deal with it when I was too busy "defending" against my ex).
Good luck with whatever you decide works the best for you!Michael
Posted by Dinah on December 15, 2003, at 18:06:40
In reply to Re: Tabitha is too kind, posted by tabitha on December 15, 2003, at 4:05:17
I'm a huge fan of the unmailed letter, the unconfirmed post, and the unspoken conversation. A written rebuttal to each point that hit home sounds like a good idea to me. You can just say something rude about the ones that were completely off base. It sounds like a sort of CBT exercise.
This is the end of the thread.
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