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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 10:38:55
Been e-mailing a guy for about a month now, from an internet dating service. He seemed really cool, and very interested, and e-mailed several times a day. Seemed very interesting, spoke several languages, was a cameraman for a major network, got to travel, and all that. We seemed to have a lot in common.
Well, I began to wonder why he never wanted to meet....since he e-mailed so often. What was up? I called him on it, and he said his work schedule's really busy but he'd really like to meet me. Still no meeting.
I googled his e-mail address and instead of the name *Todd* which he'd been telling me (all names are false), it came up *Michael* instead. Hmmmmmmm, not sounding good. So I called him (he'd given me his number twice). He didn't answer but the machine said, "hi, this is Michael." Not Todd like he'd been calling himself all this time. He did call back and explain (to my voice mail) that his name was Michael Todd and that folks at work called him Michael and friends called him Todd, and *I can call him Todd."
Well, this isn't getting rid of the red flags, so I politely called him on it again this morning, saying hey, are you Todd Carson or Michael Souder? If there's a reasonable explanation, I'm all ears. If not, please do not contact me again.
Very strong for me. Before, I would've just ignored that and hoped for the best. I was pretty proud of myself for confronting it. He wrote back immediately and was MAD at me. Said work calls him Michael, his friends call him Todd, and *I don't know about you.* And that he's got both his parents' last names....
Soooo, what if he *was* telling the truth? I've just screwed up a *possible* good thing....I've been strong the way I'm supposed to and I screwed it up.....
No wonder bad behavior gets rewarded. :-)
Advice?Susan
Posted by Penny on December 12, 2003, at 10:46:30
In reply to Will I Ever Get the *Dys* out of Dysfunctional? , posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 10:38:55
Frankly, I find the whole thing confusing. Even if he does have both parent's last names, then why didn't he give you both last names, instead of just one. And I don't understand why he didn't tell you that his first name is Michael - he'd given you his phone number, and you called, and his answering machine says "Michael", so didn't he think that might have been confusing or misleading to you?
Sounds like he was playing games, to me. And I guess I've had enough of games after an experience earlier this year.
And I don't think what you said would justify anger from him...
I don't have a good vibe about this guy from what you've said, so I think you did the right thing...
and that doesn't make you dysfunctional.
P
Posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 10:54:26
In reply to Re: Will I Ever Get the *Dys* out of Dysfunctional » Susan J, posted by Penny on December 12, 2003, at 10:46:30
Thanks, Penny,
>so didn't he think that might have been confusing or misleading to you?
<<LOL! I certainly would think it's confusing, but I *have* run into men who don't think that deeply about these types of things. While he seemed very interesting by e-mail, he didn't seem to be all that *deep* a thinker....> Sounds like he was playing games, to me. And I guess I've had enough of games after an experience earlier this year.
<<Yeah, me too. I've worked in prisons and worked with politicians, as I told Michael Todd Whomever, neither of those groups is particularly honest and I've seen and been victim to my share of lies and even seen a few people leading double lives!
> And I don't think what you said would justify anger from him...
<<Thanks. *I* wouldn't get angry, but I'm not trusting my emotions enough yet to think my reaction is the right, *functional* reaction...
> I don't have a good vibe about this guy from what you've said, so I think you did the right thing...
<<thank you! I don't get a good vibe from it either...Susan
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on December 12, 2003, at 11:12:20
In reply to Will I Ever Get the *Dys* out of Dysfunctional? , posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 10:38:55
Susan, it seems there are too many red flags so early on. I'm proud of you for calling him on it!
Posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 12:54:45
In reply to Re: Will I Ever Get the *Dys* out of Dysfunctional? , posted by Miss Honeychurch on December 12, 2003, at 11:12:20
Posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 15:13:33
In reply to Will I Ever Get the *Dys* out of Dysfunctional? , posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 10:38:55
>folks at work called him Michael and friends called him Todd, and *I can call him Todd."
>a friend of my dad's used to joke, "Hi, I'm Bob Smith! All my friends call me Bob - you can call me Mr. Smith."
Don't hurry yourself to get the Dys out of Dysfunctional ... maybe spend some time putting the FUN _in_ it. Respond to more ads, for example. And collect anecdotes from other women who've had on-line dating experiences. You can work up a library of the antics pulled.
My reaction is that this guy is un(der)-employed - or working in a mailroom or something, if he's indeed working at a network, or once did or something so he knows the lingo - and probably enjoyed the exchange with you but is terrified of meeting someone as together and attractive as you are, because he won't pass muster.
Posted by tabitha on December 12, 2003, at 18:51:22
In reply to Will I Ever Get the *Dys* out of Dysfunctional? , posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 10:38:55
Well Sooz, maybe you could have just asked about the name and left out the ultimatum. He might have reacted less defensively then. On his side, maybe he could have been more understanding that using two different names really threw you into suspicion. After all, it's blind dating, it's natural to be cautious that someone might lie to you. But like Miss H said there are already red flags, and so early. I doubt you've lost much if anything by not handling this perfectly. What you did is much better than ignoring it. You got a chance to practice confronting someone-- maybe next time do it a little differently.
Posted by tealady on December 13, 2003, at 0:07:22
In reply to Will I Ever Get the *Dys* out of Dysfunctional? , posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 10:38:55
> Been e-mailing a guy for about a month now, from an internet dating service. He seemed really cool, and very interested, and e-mailed several times a day. Seemed very interesting, spoke several languages, was a cameraman for a major network, got to travel, and all that. We seemed to have a lot in common.
>
> Well, I began to wonder why he never wanted to meet....since he e-mailed so often. What was up? I called him on it, and he said his work schedule's really busy but he'd really like to meet me. Still no meeting.
My first impresion would be he doesn't think he'll come up to scratch for some reason ..like perhaps he's got a beer belly which he's trying to lose or..
Have you tested his language skills out?
> I googled his e-mail address and instead of the name *Todd* which he'd been telling me (all names are false), it came up *Michael* instead. Hmmmmmmm, not sounding good. So I called him (he'd given me his number twice). He didn't answer but the machine said, "hi, this is Michael." Not Todd like he'd been calling himself all this time. He did call back and explain (to my voice mail) that his name was Michael Todd and that folks at work called him Michael and friends called him Todd, and *I can call him Todd."well that doesn't show much thought, not telling you his other name when he gives out his phone no...at the least forgetful
But probably the majority of people I know have different names used by family, work, mates etc
..so it's quite commonBTW my brother's answering machine always had unusual answering messages..usually associated with taking orders for greasy take-away shops, pizza shops, a massage parlour, brothels..all with appropriate accents...
always a laugh and ever changing.
He's decided it doesn't do to answer business calls that way ...
For instance his name is John..but being too many John's , the family has called him Lee..work acalls him John ..as that was on his birth certficate..mates call him lots of things..often his surname though
>
> Well, this isn't getting rid of the red flags, so I politely called him on it again this morning, saying hey, are you Todd Carson or Michael Souder? If there's a reasonable explanation, I'm all ears. If not, please do not contact me again.
>
> Very strong for me. Before, I would've just ignored that and hoped for the best. I was pretty proud of myself for confronting it. He wrote back immediately and was MAD at me. Said work calls him Michael, his friends call him Todd, and *I don't know about you.* And that he's got both his parents' last names....
>I don't think what you said would justify anger from him either, was the tone angry or joking? I'm assuming angry if you are upset.
I think you deserved an explanation..that wouldn't have taken much..and it was his slip up.
So he doesn't give me a good vibe either, not because of the names mixup, but from his slip in not explaining it to you when he gave his phone no and his reaction. From what you've said he ain't coming across as a match to you in intelligence, wit or thoughtfulness, is he?
Like you said ..perhaps not a deep thinker?
<<Yeah, me too. I've worked in prisons and worked with politicians, as I told Michael Todd Whomever, neither of those groups is particularly honest and I've seen and been victim to my share of lies and even seen a few people leading double lives!Ok, so which lie more?
Jan
Posted by Susan J on December 14, 2003, at 12:46:04
In reply to Re: Will I Ever Get the *Dys* out of Dysfunctional? » Susan J, posted by tealady on December 13, 2003, at 0:07:22
Well, I've got to say that prisoners lied more to me. But I was interviewing them to set their bail, so they had everything to gain by giving me the *proper* story. :-)
And politicians? They *can* be truthful when it suits their purposes....but I've caught a lot of lies, and considering how low down on the totum pole I am in this political culture I'm in, that's saying something, cuz I'm not always in the know...
S.
Posted by Susan J on December 14, 2003, at 12:47:06
In reply to Re: Will I Ever Get the *Dys* out of Dysfunctional? , posted by tabitha on December 12, 2003, at 18:51:22
Well, he also said he'd be going out of town for work so he couldn't *meet* me this weekend....and I happen to know that he's still in DC.
So, even *if* there are reasonable explanations, it's way too confusing, covert, and plain *unavailable* for my taste....
S.
Posted by tealady on December 15, 2003, at 4:30:06
In reply to Update, posted by Susan J on December 14, 2003, at 12:47:06
> Well, he also said he'd be going out of town for work so he couldn't *meet* me this weekend....and I happen to know that he's still in DC.
>
> So, even *if* there are reasonable explanations, it's way too confusing, covert, and plain *unavailable* for my taste....
>
> S.agree.
The net is strange in that some people act as a game, no?..or at least not as they would in "real" life.
Personally I would have thought the net would be the modern day equivalent of penpals...or meeting by writing letters. There were in the old days many life long freindships established in that way. But it doesn't appear to the same.
Perhaps the anonymity of the net allows people to just "act" characters they imagine they are. Or to not realise they are really corresponding with real people not perhaps only someone else's "game"(which it could just as likely be).I tried "looking" at internet dating about 5 years ago..but couldn't commit to meeting anyone I didn't really know..so it got to being emailed photos and that was about it <g>. I never emailed anyone back. Maybe I didn't like any of the photos or descriptions enough? I don't know.
You know, my Mum and Dad met thru mail..my Mum was on the front cover as the Pix/People ..sounds "bad" these days ..but in those days it was a small black one piece swimsuit.
My Dad was on a ship in the navy and a lot of the guys decided to write to her including their photos(someone on the ship must have had the mag)....
My Mum and her girlfriend liked my father's..I guess he was pretty muscley as he was the champion boxer in the navy for his weight and fairly good looking..
So is this the precursor of internet dating?
Perhaps writing letters requires a commitment up front at least to real addresses, real ID's etc ..and the internet doesn't, I don't know.
Good luck and cheer upJan
Posted by Susan J on December 15, 2003, at 8:03:28
In reply to Re: Update » Susan J, posted by tealady on December 15, 2003, at 4:30:06
Hi, Tealady,
> Personally I would have thought the net would be the modern day equivalent of penpals...or meeting by writing letters.
<<You know, I joined a penpal website last year, and got a really amazing Australian penpal. She was very cool, and I got to learn a lot about her life there. We wrote about gardening and bugs and dogs and kids and government and stuff. I really miss her. She went on a month-long holiday across country, and I guess her hotmail account got deactivated.Even though it only lasted about 6 months, it was a great experience, and it's what I think the internet should be wonderful for....
>>There were in the old days many life long freindships established in that way. But it doesn't appear to the same.
<<Yes, I love writing, and I enjoy getting to *know* people thru writing, but a lot of these guys I've corresponded with hate writing, want to talk/meet right away....seems a little brusque for me.
> My Dad was on a ship in the navy and a lot of the guys decided to write to her including their photos(someone on the ship must have had the mag)....
<<That's a great story! Very romantic, I think.> Good luck and cheer up
>
> Jan
<<Thanks. :-) I'm getting there....S.
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