![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tabitha on December 13, 2003, at 3:49:14
I had a coffee-date with a guy, not very attractive, actually a little ugly, but good-natured and OK to talk to. Later he sent an email with a comment that was sort of a sleazy come-on, jokingly of course. Disappointing, because I actually wanted to give the guy a chance, and now feel repulsed. But you know what? It makes me miss the last guy I broke up with. The first month of that one was lovely. He was sweet and sensitive and beautiful to look at. No courtship blunders there. I felt so happy and alive. I had forgotten, since the relationship quickly went to sh*t after the initial promise. Just brings up fresh pain is all. I slept all evening I felt so bad. Just want to sleep more.
Don't want either one of these guys. The new one apparently lacks the flaws of the previous, but also lacks the good points. I do that. Date a polar opposite after a breakup. Toss out baby with bathwater. Feels like punishing self. Like OK, it didn't work with the sweet sensitive pretty one, so now you must go with one that's coarse and unattractive. Yuck. Where's my good-enough mate?
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 13, 2003, at 7:56:50
In reply to Love Life Pain, posted by tabitha on December 13, 2003, at 3:49:14
> I had a coffee-date with a guy, not very attractive, actually a little ugly, but good-natured and OK to talk to. Later he sent an email with a comment that was sort of a sleazy come-on, jokingly of course.
<It seems like jokes are where people think it's okay to slip in stuff that in a normal conversation just wouldn't float.
> Disappointing, because I actually wanted to give the guy a chance, and now feel repulsed. But you know what? It makes me miss the last guy I broke up with. The first month of that one was lovely. He was sweet and sensitive and beautiful to look at. No courtship blunders there. I felt so happy and alive. I had forgotten, since the relationship quickly went to sh*t after the initial promise. Just brings up fresh pain is all. I slept all evening I felt so bad. Just want to sleep more.
<Dating is challenging. I had a chat with a friend about finding the right person (in this particular situation it was hiring someone but I think it applies to this too). She told me to picture the person in the department, walking around, in the office...what would that person look like, act like, etc. what were 6 of my most important traits...what were 6 of the red flags I must look out for? I made lists and suddenly I had a much better handle on what I wanted and needed.
> Don't want either one of these guys. The new one apparently lacks the flaws of the previous, but also lacks the good points. I do that. Date a polar opposite after a breakup. Toss out baby with bathwater.
<gosh that sounds like something I had done for years.
>Feels like punishing self. Like OK, it didn't work with the sweet sensitive pretty one, so now you must go with one that's coarse and unattractive. Yuck. Where's my good-enough mate?
<maybe some internal searching will uncover that special one and maybe eliminate the ones you really don't want. Try the above suggestion and see what comes up?
Posted by tabitha on December 13, 2003, at 16:06:48
In reply to Re: Love Life Pain, posted by Jai Narayan on December 13, 2003, at 7:56:50
Maybe there's something to be said for visualizing what I want. Not sure I have the optimism to do that. It's like almost assuming that what I want is actually out there somewhere. Then there's the follow-thru. Once I've imagined it, how do I find it? Instead I spend so much time dwelling on the last painful disappointment.
Posted by octopusprime on December 13, 2003, at 23:33:03
In reply to Re: Love Life Pain » Jai Narayan, posted by tabitha on December 13, 2003, at 16:06:48
> Maybe there's something to be said for visualizing what I want. Not sure I have the optimism to do that. It's like almost assuming that what I want is actually out there somewhere. Then there's the follow-thru. Once I've imagined it, how do I find it? Instead I spend so much time dwelling on the last painful disappointment.
hmm tabitha, hmm.
sorry i'm not necessarily the most helpful person when it comes to the advice for the lovelorn: i'd love to promise that it's just a matter of time, there's somebody for everybody, blah blah blah, love happy purple monkeys, but i just don't know that. life, and love, do not come with guarantees.
the only thing i do know: it's hard to visualize love. when we visualize, we may indeed get fixated on the image, and not recognize the good when it comes our way (because it doesn't meet our pre-conceived notions). i find i have to really evaluate hard all of my interactions, and give everybody the benefit of the doubt, cause sometimes it pays off.
sometimes it doesn't, seems you've learned that one the hard way recently. :( and it's only natural to idealize what was lost, we all do it, so no need to beat yourself up over it.
so long as you continue to venture out into the world, and participate in the world around you, there is hope yet. i've had the opportunity lately to get to know many new people (although none successfully romantically); we live in a world of lost and lonely soulds, many of whom are capable of and willing to love. it's just hard to break those first defences, those walls created by modern life.
it takes time.
dance like nobody's watching.
i believe in karma, and that those with good hearts will indeed receive love in this lifetime.cheers
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.