![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lepus on December 12, 2003, at 16:00:36
I don't know what I am living for anymore. I have been fighting this beast (BP II, I think maybe some borderline and dependent personality issues thrown in there as well just to make things more difficult) for more than half of my life. I am only 29. It has robbed me of everything. I was never able to finish a degree, start a career, my relationships always end in a mess. I finally worked at a job for about 9 months and that is the most stable I have ever been. But that is over now and I have to move out of my apartment, get back on SSDI and move in with my parents. It just seems like everything is gone. I can't even get myself to go to the doctor because I don't know what they are going to do to help anymore. I have been on so many medications over the years. I went off everything last fall except Klonopin and seemed to do quite well. Now I know I am cycling again but I don't know what will stop it. I feel so hopeless. It scares me because this is the most hopeless I have ever felt in my entire life. Even my mother has noticed that the light seems to have gone out of my eyes, that the fight seems to be gone and that scares her and it scares me that other people can see it because it is true. I have pretty much given up and resigned myself to a life with no career, no degree, no love and probably no friends pretty soon. I will live with my parents until they die and then I will follow.
I feel so alone in this and that is one of the worst parts besides realizing that all my dreams are gone. I wish someone would hold me for just 5 minutes or a night. I wish someone cared. I don't even feel like my ex cares and we lived together for a year and didn't break up that rudely.
I just don't have any hope and keep praying for some to find me but it hasn't happened. I am so disabled right now and can't even leave the house. I just don't know what I am going to do or how I am going to even get myself into a doctor for some help.
My life as I thought it was going to be is completely over and I feel so horribly alone. I cried, "Uncle!" a long time ago. Why won't someone listen?
Posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 16:10:43
In reply to out of hope, posted by lepus on December 12, 2003, at 16:00:36
((((((((((lepus)))))))))))))
I don't know what to say.Hope might be gone. But maybe not forever?
Posted by Karen_kay on December 12, 2003, at 16:42:29
In reply to out of hope, posted by lepus on December 12, 2003, at 16:00:36
I understand what you are going through. I am 25 and diagnosed with BP I, along with several personality disorders to boot. It isn't fun. I think the first step towards getting things stable is medication. I know I tried so many different types of meds before actually finding the right one that worked for me (which happens to be Topamax not that I'm plugging or anythign :) But, it took about 4 years to find the right cocktail. And it was very frustrating. Do you have any type of insurance? If not you can find out about programs in your area that help with meds and doctor bills. Once you get your moods straightened out, I really think you will feel a lot better. You won't be perfect, I fight with that every day, but it helps a lot.
I suspect that right now you may be depressed? The meds will help with depression and hypomania. I'm sorry that you feel hopeless. I know exactly what you are going through. I suffered through it too. But, I can't tell you the difference that medication has made in my life. It has made it possible for me to continue with school. I'll be graduating in a year and a semester. There's no reason you can't follow your dreams as well. I think that everyone feels this way too. I know that I still do, even while on medication. But, it isn't nearly as often or severe. Don't beat yourself up over the past. Look to the future. Another thing you may want to check into is therapy. Are you seeing a therapist? They help a lot, especially when you are depressed. Take care of yourself. I'm thinking about you and sending hugs your way.
Karen
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 12, 2003, at 17:53:29
In reply to Re: out of hope, posted by Karen_kay on December 12, 2003, at 16:42:29
Posted by 8 Miles on December 12, 2003, at 18:27:56
In reply to out of hope, posted by lepus on December 12, 2003, at 16:00:36
Woah.............. OK, yes you seem to be in a downward spiral, that is clear. However, you are not in a loosing situation. There are very FEW mental conditions that cannot be helped by the right meds. True, sometimes you have to be persistant and vigilent to get them to see where you are. I do NOT think that you are in a hole that is so deep that you cannot get out of it. True, your perspective may make you feel that way. You have a myriad of options. I would procede something like this: get with you Pdoc to get you meds right. It may take several months, and you will DEFINITELY have to be persistant. You cannot give up on this! Second, I would suggest that you share your feelings with this board. I am positive that there are others here who have been in similar or worse situations, and have been able to climb back out. Third, I would recommed that you attend some sort of group that has an accountability program. Most are free, if you look hard enough. If you are unable to find one, contact your local mental health department and they should be able to steer you in the right direction. You know, life can be funny. For a period of time we may be on top of the world (or at least getting by fairly well) and then BOOM! You can fall like a meteorite. You are only 29 years old, how can you be so definate that you are going to die as some lonely person? Choice, choice is the ONLY thing that is standing in your way. You DO have the power to be better, but you may have to ask yourself this question: "Do you WANT to be healed?". So many of us have become content in our world of crap, because at least we are familiar about it. We are afraid of the unknown, so we CHOOSE to stay within a KNOWN EVIL. This is emotional suicide! You DO have a choice, and that is "do you WANT to be well, do you WANT to be healed?" You have to think long and hard about this. It is too easy to make excuses why we cannot change our ways. But these are but tissue paper lies we convince ourselves to be true. Make a move, take a chance. What do you have to lose? Please let me know if I can help you. There is no reason to feel alone. No one is alone in less it is THEIR choice. There are many here who will help advise you. They truly CARE. Give it a try.
8
Posted by lepus on December 12, 2003, at 19:41:53
In reply to Re: out of hope, posted by Karen_kay on December 12, 2003, at 16:42:29
I'm not really sure what to say but I am touched by the responses. Thank you. Posting here has made me feel a little less alone in this struggle.
I guess part of the hopelessness comes from feeling like I have been on every med there is (or so it seems - I know it isn't true) and have found little relief. It seems the best I have been was off meds, but that didn't last. I just don't know what kind of med combination is going to work for me and I fear the med trials again. I had a short one recently of monotherapy with Lamictal and it just heightened my anxiety to the point where I pulled myself off of it. I just don't have a lot of strength to go through all of this again when I thought I had finally climbed out of the hole. I have been in therapy on and off my entire life practically to no avail. I knew things were slipping back in early September and tried to get myself into a therapist and a pdoc fast but of course with HMOs it was just impossible to pull myself out in time before the destruction was complete. I just crashed so hard and so fast. I just don't know what is going to help me anymore when I feel like I have run the therapy and meds route until I have run out of road.
I have also had added stress of my father having a heart attack, my brother getting divorced and now the stress of having to get stuff out of my apartment and moved back home. I have been here so many times over the years with crashing and having to move back home. It is just such a disappointment. I keep trying to see it as a setback and not a failure but it just feels like such a failure. I had so much hope for a new life free of this demon. It just didn't happen and then I question so much what I could have done differently to avert this "setback".
I know I have to get myself into the psychiatrist and give the meds another trial. I am just really scared of it. I was on Effexor and it made me suicidal to the point where I actually made an attempt. I am scared the meds will do that again to me. Luckily, there is a good mental health center near me that has groups like DBT, etc and I know I have to find the strength to make the appointment and get in there and get help. It is just so hard when I am so overwhelmingly tired. Leaving the house is such a chore and I have barely been out in the past few weeks. It is even harder when I am not sure they can help me anymore and that makes it harder to summon up the strength and hope needed to get there and get started.
I am just not even sure what is wrong with me. So many dxs have been thrown at me over the years and I am not sure what one sticks except the initial one when I was 11 which was panic disorder. I was a classic case back then. Now I feel like I am so screwed up that I have no idea how I, or anyone else, will untangle this mess. I can see the BP II dx, especially during this episode. I fear that the doctors are just going to wash their hands of me and say I am Borderline and don't want to get better, am just a malingerer, etc.
Ugh, I am just so scared and feel so defeated that it is hard to have hope. I know it has to come from within me but I just don't know where to find it this time! I know I need to be more optimistic but it is so hard when all the failures in the past have piled up so high that I can't see around them.
With the hope for accomplishing the goals I once had seemingly gone I just don't know what I am fighting for anymore and that dampens initiative a great deal.
Posted by Psychopoppy on December 13, 2003, at 2:50:16
In reply to Re: out of hope, posted by lepus on December 12, 2003, at 19:41:53
>>I have been here so many times over the years with crashing and having to move back home. It is just such a disappointment. I keep trying to see it as a setback and not a failure but it just feels like such a failure. I had so much hope for a new life free of this demon. It just didn't happen and then I question so much what I could have done differently to avert this "setback". <<
Dear lepus
I do not see your moving back home to the comfort and care of your family as a "setback" or a "failure". I think that it is a very north american concept that for one to be deemed "succesful" one has to shed all dependancy and live independently and individually. I think its great that you are going home again (ie. if its a plesaant place for you to be) and that you will share some time with your parents (who arent getting any younger). And, you will be surrounded by the people who love you and care for you and it will give you little cocoon for you to heal again and face all those forces that you feel have made you so weak.Think of it as a "set-forward" and that perhaps this time instead of feeling like a loser, you will feel lucky, blessed and happy to have a family and a home to share and that its no crime to enjoy what you have and it certainly no crime to be cared for and loved when you most need it, when you are down and weary.
I know its hard as hell to fight what you suffer but meds alone are not your solution. Perhaps a total soul make-over mixed with your meds might help. Just a suggestion.
I had tears in my eyes when i read your words (even though i dont know you at all), which means that you have the power to touch people and express yourself.
My best wishes for some relief go out to you, along with a reminder that you are not alone...your soul is always there for you (and we are here for you too).
Posted by st@cy on December 13, 2003, at 13:20:25
In reply to out of hope, posted by lepus on December 12, 2003, at 16:00:36
you are not alone, i've felt that way too, but reading all these posts has shown me that other ppl feel this way too. if you can find any comfort in that, then its a start. i was feeling at rock bottom, i didn't even know what avoidant personality disorder was until yesterday and i just thought that i was completely alone. i felt like i was at rock bottom, but now that i know that there are people like me and like you i feel understood. so i hope that helps you too.
Posted by lepus on December 13, 2003, at 18:42:05
In reply to Re: out of hope, posted by Psychopoppy on December 13, 2003, at 2:50:16
>
> Dear lepus
> I do not see your moving back home to the comfort and care of your family as a "setback" or a "failure". I think that it is a very north american concept that for one to be deemed "succesful" one has to shed all dependancy and live independently and individually. I think its great that you are going home again (ie. if its a plesaant place for you to be) and that you will share some time with your parents (who arent getting any younger). And, you will be surrounded by the people who love you and care for you and it will give you little cocoon for you to heal again and face all those forces that you feel have made you so weak.
>
I have to agree with your statements about the American culture and its over-emphasis on individuality and self-reliance. Sometimes I wonder if the reason so many people are on anti-depressants and generally unhappy with thier lives is due to the extreme focus on the individual and "standing on one's own" that American culture dictates is the only way to be to have any worth in this society. You have to be rich and successful and completely independent to be seen as anyone in this society it seems. When you fall short of that ideal it is easy to become depressed and to think less of yourself. The fact is that we do need each other and we do need our families (if they are healthy ones). We need that social support no matter if we are sick or well. But if we admit we need others then we are weak. If we move back home we are failures. In other cultures kids wouldn't have even moved out yet at my age! I have read studies where the mentally ill who live in societies that place less emphasis on the individual and have more social support do better than they do in America without medication. It is quite sad.I will try to look at this time as a bit of a blessing because I can be with my parents. But it is so hard to reconcile what society expects of me and what I am able to do at this time. It is also hard to give up the independence I thought I had gained. I liked the city I was living in and it is very hard to give it up.
>
> I know its hard as hell to fight what you suffer but meds alone are not your solution. Perhaps a total soul make-over mixed with your meds might help. Just a suggestion.Part of what scares me so much is knowing that meds are not going to solve all my problems. I just haven't had much luck with therapy to solve them either. How do you do a "soul make-over"? I could use some tips. The access to alternative healing methods where I was living was one thing I really liked about the area. Now that I have to leave there I feel like I am leaving a little bit of hope for my recovery behind. I am exploring meditation however and maybe I can get in with another Sangha where my parents live.
>
> I had tears in my eyes when i read your words (even though i dont know you at all), which means that you have the power to touch people and express yourself.
> My best wishes for some relief go out to you, along with a reminder that you are not alone...your soul is always there for you (and we are here for you too).Thank you. I am sorry I made you cry. I want to make someone happy for once. I guess I can write that down as a goal.
>
Posted by lepus on December 13, 2003, at 18:44:57
In reply to you are not alone.., posted by st@cy on December 13, 2003, at 13:20:25
> you are not alone, i've felt that way too, but reading all these posts has shown me that other ppl feel this way too. if you can find any comfort in that, then its a start. i was feeling at rock bottom, i didn't even know what avoidant personality disorder was until yesterday and i just thought that i was completely alone. i felt like i was at rock bottom, but now that i know that there are people like me and like you i feel understood. so i hope that helps you too.
Hi-
I am glad that you are finding some answers to your questions on these boards. I have found a lot of useful information as well. I hope from here you can start your journey of healing and get some adequate treatment.
Thank you for saying I am not alone. Although I don't wish for anyone else to go through this, it is nice to have a resource like this one to reach out to when times are tough and no one else seems to understand.
I hope we will both get through this alright.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.